The day began with a somber and reflective mood, most certainly due to this match being played on remembrance weekend which was respected by both sides and supporters with a minute’s silence prior to kick off.

What ensued afterwards was a real back-and-forth of a game, an arm wrestle – as some would refer to it – but a fantastic display of attritional rugby and grit in the first instalment of the ‘Dan Hostetler Cup’ (Named after the hooker who recently transferred to Hammers from Maidenhead, who also happens to have written this report…oops). 

In the first minutes of the game it was clear Maidenhead, a team higher in the table, had come with some venom to attempt to assert the dominance their league position suggested they deserved. This was, however, not on the agenda for Hammersmith & Fulham who viewed this as a must-win game after not being on the positive side of a series of results since the first game of the season. 

There early parts of the game were, as you’d expect, a cagey affair, with some handling errors and the majority of play in between the 22’s, other than the odd kick-and-chase scare for both teams. However, what was already apparent, 10 minutes in, was the Hammers dominance at the scrum… more on this later. 

Uncharacteristic Hammersmith errors led to a couple of penalties which Maidenhead looked to put into the corner and drive over. However, some inside knowledge on this meant they were not successful in this area paid dividends, with the Hammersmith jumpers Harry Scarr (6) and Tom Proctor (5) running great aerial interference. Maidenhead did put the first points on the board just before the 20th minute with a strike from their fullback. 0-3 to the visitors. 

Moving on and Hammersmith regather their composure post kick to pressure Maidenheads defence, forcing the visitors to commit a series of penalties which leads to the first try of the game.  A perfectly thrown ball to the tail of the lineout allowed for the driving line-out maul – a reliable try source this season- to set and go, allowing tackle machine Marcus McNeil to drop over the line safely. Extras are added, 7-3. Game on… 

…only for Hammersmith get caught offside a couple of minutes after kick off, the Maidenhead fullback puts it through the posts, 7-6. 

What ensued for the remainder of the first half were errors in defence leading to penalties but neither team able to take the initiative and trouble the scoreboard further. Hammersmith threatened to add 3 to the tally with the best opportunity thanks to a scrum penalty, (credit to the Ferraris of the team for this one (Front 5)) but unfortunately the kick sailed just wide. Maidenhead came closest to a try but the valiant Hammers defence stopped any such thing, holding it up on the line. HT 7-6 

We came back from the HT break, both teams hydrated, rested and ready for action. Excellent, smart rugby from the home-team back line allows for Hammers pressure to be consistently applied to the visitors, keeping them down in their own half.  

This is where the real fun began. From early in the second half, the Hammers scrum displayed a feat of pure dominance, the Maidenhead loosehead quite literally bending over backwards to meet Ed Wynne’s need for forward direction of travel at scrum time. It really was a thing of beauty and set the tone for the second half. 

This penalty led to a lineout, for which the maul was subdued on this occasion, with the Hammers hooker breaking off to not go backwards but found himself in space about 20 metres out from the line. It is a fair assumption, he did not make it but ball was recycled and the ensuing phases left Hammersmith with a fantastic attacking position which was unfortunately not capitalised on and led to an away penalty. So close…

Once possession was regained, the backline continued their fine job of keeping Maidenhead under pressure and playing in their half. The ball was turned over at lineout which led to Hammer’s own crossing the line…but a definite travesty resulted as it was called held up  Nevertheless, pressure continued and Hammers added points from the tee, 10-6. 

After clearing their lines from kick off Hammers fullback Max Dugdale unfortunately receives a yellow card for a high tackle, thankfully both players were okay. This however leaves Hammers under pressure for the next 10 minutes – time to dig deep, time for the beauty’s (front row) to turn into beasts. 

Maidenhead looked to make use of the extra man on the pitch, especially out wide with a couple of rapid wingers, consistently looking to quick tap penalties but could not keep the phases together… leading to scrums, which Hammers were more than happy with. Even a untimely injury to talisman Marcus McNeil who, after finding himself on the wrong side of a collision and had to be removed from the field of play, couldn’t hold back the boys. We wish him well in his recovery. 

Finally, Hammersmith’s scrum dominance led to the sin-binning of Maidenheads tighthead prop, who had a tough day at the office but was a bit unlucky to earn the referee’s gaze (I wouldn’t want to come up against 139 year old 42 cap Andrew Rogan either).  Dugdale now back on the pitch, goes on to add the 3 points and make it 13-6. 

Maidenhead, to their credit, kept fight, and – energised by being a man down – finally were able to string together the phases they are known for and shift the ball wide to their pace men, eventually scoring and making it 13-11, hitting the post with the conversion. With 7- minutes down on the clock, the question now was would that prove costly? 

The final 10 minutes were frantic, both teams wanting to secure the result with a try, which actually led to some of the most entertaining rugby of the afternoon (other than the scrums, which are always entertaining). Hammersmith however took the opportunity to make it 16-11 deep into the second half following yet another scrum penalty to give themselves some breathing room. 

Some close calls almost led to Maidenhead stealing the win but consistent pressure from Hammersmith’s brilliant backline in defence and Hammersmith’s dominance at scrum time saw them fought off. The whistle goes and Hammer’s get the W, with the full time score 16-11 and Rogan securing man-of-the-match on behalf of the front row.

Bring on next week! 

Heart.

It was on display in abundance for the 1^st XV’s game against Camberley, a tough match against a tough opposition employing a game plan that played to their strengths, helped in no small part by Mother Nature dumping rain on the boys as they left the changing room. Thickening up the already-heavy pitch, Camberley’s direct, everything-through-the-forwards-like-its-2007 style of Rugby was made for this dark October today, their strong maul and short pitch leading to any infraction by the boys being punished with a penalty kick to the corner followed by a grinding maul. Four times this happened in the first 20 minutes, the boys vainly throwing their bodies in front of the Camberley maul like Karens at Josh AA in a Benidorm nightclub. Unlike Fulham’s one-man heart-breaker, it was in vain.

At the end of the first quarter the boys found themselves on the losing end of healthy lead, not helped by a Camberly scrum which punished a Hammers forward pack built for speed, skills and looks. Spanish bullfighting champion Alexandro Lopez (3) had his handful against his opposite man, unable to employ his flamenco “feet-of-flames” under the grey October sky Surrey clay, whilst Dan Hostler (2) and Rogan (1) were subject to more angles than a high-school protractor. Soon joined by Zak Underwood*, and backed up by Irish Josh (5) and captain Tom Proctor (4) the boys stayed in the fight until the end, but it was not an easy day to be a tight 5.

It was also not a good day to be a Camberley shoulder. Despite the pressure, the boys threw themselves into tackle-after-tackle, Marcus McNeil (13) showing a willingness to put his body on the line in a way that would serve him very well a few hours later on the Fez’s dance floor. Josh AA (6), his body ravaged by diseases caught from Karens in Benidorm nightclubs and showing the same utter disregard for his personal safety, destroyed several cocky Camberley carriers, whilst Eoin Baker (13) reminded the Camberley prop as to why he was better off playing inside their 10.  And Irish Josh Norton? For the second time this season, our tall Irish man showed pure heart to chase down a Camberley line-break and tackle an supposedly “quicker” back mere meters from the line to save a try. The result? No less than 3 of Camberley’s players retiring hurt, their limping forms a reminder that no matter what the score, Hammers never, ever give up.

Buoyed by these examples of pure heart, the Hammers regained composure and began to employ their structure and hands.  Multiple phases, ace calls and runs into the Camberley half saw the boys come agonizingly close, culminating with Harry Boyd (11) scoring wide.  It was a reminder that this team is improving every single week, learning from the tough games against the top 5 teams in the competition, no matter what the result.

Victories as these are, wars are not won by tackles alone. Full credit to Camberley, their game management proved superior. Lost possession, especially in their half, was punished by accurate kicking and a strong kick-chase that constantly pressured the Hammers back 3 of Max (15), Harry (14) and Tim Russell (11).  Effective line-out jumping by Harry Scarr (7) and Tom Proctor did not lead to the 25 meter maul-tries of previous games due to continuity problems in the Hammers maul but also effective Camberley defence, and finally, grim conditions left the Hammers ruck speed just a tad too slow at key times. The end result was a score line reminiscent of a Max Dugdale golf game and one that no one wanted to repeat.

Hammers pride was stung, for despite pride in having fought until the end and trying to play expansive Rugby, these boys play to win, and in that we fell short. Taking that pain, and shaping it into a weapon to be employed against a range of teams after the break, will not be difficult. The lessons of these last few games will make them into a force to be reakoned with. The Ws will come, and it will start on the 9^th November.

*Denotes international appearances (any form of Rugby. Even not real countries)

Captain’s Log: Star date 12.10.24. The Hammersmith Enterprise has discovered a new club deep in Womble territory. Backline resources are as thin as Harry Scarr’s hair. First impressions are of a sloped landscape and temperamental weather system. Lieutenant Marshall has already proposed we hold out for firmer ground. We dragged Rogan out of his party in the holodeck, set our phasers to kill, beamed down and took to the field.

With what would soon become a recurring theme for the day, the kick off was dropped by the opposition and the first scrum was called. About 3 seconds later we packed down for our second. This time, with a drive as wonky as Rogan’s stomach was feeling, we conceded a penalty. Wimbledon booted it up the park and we were defending our first lineout. Some aggressive line speed and great tackling forced yet another knock on…. A great clearance saw us back deep into the Wimbledon 22, where they opted to throw a forward pass. A few phases later saw us awarded a penalty for offside and a kick at goal was selected. Unfortunately their deflector shields were up and the ball bounced off the upright.

A little rally of kick tennis gave us our first attacking lineout, unsurprisingly ending with another scrum in midfield. A little later an attempted clearance went out on the full and we were defending a lineout just outside our own 22. With the fearsome Wombleonian reputation for set piece, the order was to divert all power to the shields. The plan worked and we eventually forced a turnover and cleared the lines, only for them to set straight back to returning fire. A not releasing penalty put them back in the corner on our 5m. Those shields held out however, forcing a goal line drop out. Yet still the attack persisted. Security Officer Marcus McNeil was having none of it and led the line who all fearlessly repelled the enemy. Unfortunately the Galactic Council appointed referee had spotted another infringement and brought it back for Wimbledon to once again stick it in the corner. This time a quick peel from the maul found the smallest of gaps in our defences and a try was awarded. No conversion so it was left at 5-0 on the 20 minute mark.

This time the kick off was collected and after dropping the return kick, we gave Wimbledon a scrum on the halfway. An early engage gave away a free kick and thus began a long period of more defence. Through pure dog we drove the line backwards and eventually forced a kick. After finally getting the clearance away, it was a Wimbledon lineout on the 22. Another gap eventually appeared in the shields but we were let off by the slippery ball and had a scrum on our 5m; another chance to relieve the pressure. Not the most relief however as Wimbledon were back with another lineout on our 22. Some more stalwart defending and another scrum was forced. This time a proper clearance put play back into the Wimbledon half. The remaining 10 minutes saw yet more excellent defensive manoeuvres but never really getting a chance to turn on the offensive.

The second half saw Wimbledon launch a direct attack with an early turnover from the kick off. Some more solid defending forced a fumble and a great bounce off the winger’s leg gave us a lineout on halfway. Another weapons malfunction led to a Wimbledon scrum and ultimately resulted in a penalty. Wimbledon’s drive for the corner was again met with the steely shoulders of the defence and the line was cleared. A brief strafing run from our Ace Pilot Tim Russell ended when he was struck down fiercely by the opposition centre. We did however win a penalty at the ruck. Another penalty off the following play put us about 30m out with an attacking lineout. The ball was collected and the forwards took the maul formation. After diverting all power the thrusters, the pack started to shift and continued to accelerate! Aided by the massive combined weight of Dugdale and Weaver we managed to get the over that final meter and bag a well-earned try! Dan Hostetler eventually touching it down. The conversion followed to make it 5-7.

We recovered the ball easily from the kick off and went for the old up and under. A great chase saw now newly promoted, ‘Head of Security’, Marcus bring down the catcher. Unfortunately Wimbledon managed to get an offload away and launch a counterattack. They broke well into our backfield and looked like they were in. However, the tactical deployment of a Mark AA. Josh anti Womble missile saw them brought down just before the line. Alas, a couple of pick and go’s later they managed to breach the line once more. A missed conversion left it 10-7.

Wimbledon then turned on overdrive and started piling into every ruck, competing for every ball. This increased pressure eventually resulted in a Wimbledon lineout on our 22. Although competed fiercely, with our very own Cabin Boy Harry Scarr taking quite the knock and some time in sick bay, Wimbledon managed to find a small gap in the midfield defences. They went over for their third and an under the post conversion made it 17-7.

Straight back into the fray with a series of attacks, we won a penalty putting us in the Wimbledon half. A slight misfire at the lineout was compounded by another misfire at the next one. I must remember to conduct that performance review with Technical Officer Swaino. A brief time later, a pass to Chief Medical Officer Dr John was met head on head by the opposition prop. Fair to say the iron skull of Dr John came off on top, but in a tragic miscarriage of intergalactic law, the collision was ruled accidental and the game restarted with a scrum. Mere moments later Lieutenant Marshall was brutally decapitated by the enemy chieftain. Space justice is a fickle thing but this time a yellow card was given. Marshall left the field with great dignity after declaring his outburst at the decision didn’t count as he was clearly concussed. Another strong maul pushed hard into the corner before unleashing the backs who just couldn’t quite get over the line on the opposite side of the pitch. Must add 3 v 1 training to the backs’ to do list…..

A series of back and fro between attack and defence saw the ball spend a good 10 minutes between the two 10m lines. However, the penalty count was certainly in our favour as we found ourselves once again with a lineout on the Wimbledon 22. Another supercharged weapons spree charged the pack towards the line with Darts Expert Dan breaking away at the end to score his second try of the day. A missed conversion left it at 17-12.

The final 7 minutes was a masterclass in defensive prowess to keep Wimbledon out and deny them the bonus point. It was very frustrating to not get an opportunity to steal the game, but an absolute powerhouse of a performance from the crew and one very proud captain.

Next week we boldly go where no team has gone before; and attempt to steal a victory from London Welsh.

Our new government seems to be crumbling sooner than even the biggest cynic would have expected. Our dear leader “Free Gear Keir” may be longing for the return of the sausages, but the Hammers enjoyed their own returns this weekend, with club stalwarts Joel Caravan and Dr Steve John adorning the parallel pitch for the 2s and Jacob Poulton (3) returning to tighthead Prop for the 1s. He was joined by a number of debutants, including Yusuke Kaneko (10), Alejandro Lopez (16, prop) and Max Hyde (17, back row).

Every new government looks for some early wins. The Hammers were targeting this game to secure some valuable Level 5 points early in the season. However, much like taking £300 handouts from millionaire pensioners, this was to prove a tricky task.

Horsham struck first, far too easily, benefiting from the defensive easy shakes of a backline unfamiliar with each other – 1^st phase possession off the line-out and straight through the middle. The The Hammers calmed things somewhat and Ollie Weaver slotted a penalty, before Horsham went through the middle once again to make to 10-3.

At this point, whilst attacking fluidity was rare, the Hammers were able to get themselves back into the game through some solid defence, led by 26-tackle Marcus McNeill, and a dominant scrum. At the pressure built, the Hammers accepted freebies more valuable than £16k worth of clothes and a free box at The Arsenal and gobbled up two interceptions through Harry Boyd and Sam Seymour. A further penalty meant the Hammers walked in for their oranges 18-10 up, albeit not completely deservedly.

The second half was characterised by ill-discipline. Captain Tom Proctor (5) essentially sent himself to the bin after cynically stopping a quick tap, then Harry Scarr (8) followed it up by hitting a maul at a perpendicular angle. Horsham took advantage to slot a penalty and then convert some attacking pressure to go over to leave the scores at 18-20.

The Hammers showed plenty of spirit at this point, exemplified by exceptional ‘never-give-up’ corner flagging from Josh Norton (4) to stop a certain try. Building their way back into the game, an entry into the Horsham 22 led to Sam Seymour (18, back) burrowing over. However, Horsham had the final word. The Hammers’s penalty count gave them field position and they went over from short range, albeit with a strong hint of a knock-on, in the penultimate play of the game.

At the final whistle The Hammers were all as glum as Harry Scarr is normally. They knew they let a winnable game slip and will have to pick themselves up for the next challenge. Now… when is Keir going to publish that he once accepted a free tie from Terry?

Hammers came into the weekend on a positive note after a hard fought loss to Jersey where they put in an impressive performance against a tough side. Coming off 2 bad losses to Stags last season, redemption was on the minds of the players, but sadly this was not that kind of movie.  

Minute 1, starting tighthead- Ed Wynne – injured. Minute 5, starting hooker – Dan Hostetler – injured. Now because of…reasons, World Rugby laws state that if a team cannot contest a scrum, even due to injury, they must drop a player, despite teams only being allowed 3 subs…. So 15 v 14 for the remaining 75 minutes against a team that loves scoring tries in the backs…yeah…cool cool cool. 

What followed was a scrappy, error-filled first half from both sides.  The Hammers, a man down, failed to execute basic exits and put themselves under pressure, however Stags – despite all the advantage arising from an extra man – continually knocked on the ball and failed to execute their own basic maneuvers.  Despite their setback, our boys in red put up a decent resistance in the first half, trading early pens before Stags took advantage of some strong carries to score their first of the day.  followed after by a breakaway kick behind.  

HT 18 – 3 

Hammers started the second half strongly, knowing the next score would likely be decisive. With no benefit in having props on the field in scrum-less game, head coach Alain elected to have Harry Boyd return to the field and make his debut appearance at loose head! Strong carry after strong carry led the men in red within 10 metres of the Stags try line, only for the ball to be spilled. However, with the penalty advantage, a shot at the posts was called and the deficit reduced to 12 points from the boot of Max Dugdale (10).  18-6, and the boys had momentum. 

The first 20 minutes of the second half followed suit with a lot of Hammers possession, Josh A-A (6) and Ryan Powter (8) typically industrious on the ball (Ryan even continuing to expand his kicking game from pre-season!). The backs began to find some rhythm, but little-to-no reward gained with crucial handling errors and ill-discipline costing them dearly. Missed opportunities the boys would rue. 

Following a period of sustained pressure on their own line, Hammers managed to secure a penalty, only for this to be reversed due to some ‘over-enthusiastic celebrations’ which Scott van Berckel (7) insists was misinterpreted by the referee.  On reflection, this may have been the straw that broke the camels back, as the resulting penalty led to Stags first points of the second half, and ultimately broke the dam. 

The remaining time in the second half was unfortunately very one-sided for our men in red: Penalty, Lineout, try, repeat. When the dust settled, a final result of 49-6 may not have been a fair reflection of what was a truly competitive fixture and left the Hammers disheartened, having worked tirelessly for 65 minutes, only to see it slip away in the final quarter.  

Horsham at home up next and a chance to get back to winning ways. Expect a big response from the Hammers in front of a home crowd with (Hopefully..) a full compliment of players on the pitch!