Rome vs Carthage. Sparta vs Troy. Colin vs Cuthbert. Rivalry is a common theme throughout history going back to the dawn of time. This Saturday past produced yet another epic encounter. A match to determine which team would wear the crown of Best South West London 1 South Club Located Around the River and Not Too Far Out of the City.

Hammersmith & Fulham vs Battersea.

It was a fierce mild day for rugby. Like Caesar himself crossing the Rubicon, Hammers crossed the Thames into Battersea territory. ‘Alea iacta erat.’ The die was cast. Hammers had every reason to be confident. A BP win against Chichester the week before had put us on a four game win streak. The augurs portended poor omens however when much of the team struggled to locate the field of battle, with many including the author relying on the navigation skills of consul Joe Caravan to steer us through enemy territory.

The warm-up was sharp. The forwards rumbled through their set-piece, building their maul, line-out and scrum like the great siege engines of old. The backs meanwhile, consubstantial in mindset, practised their moves seeking to expose chinks in the Battersea defence. The winds calmed. The stage was set. The gods waited with bated breath. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

Despite promising preparations, Battersea drew first blood soon after kick-off. Having quickly made it into Hammers’ half, their scrum-half, displaying artful chicanery, embarked on a daring raid of the Hammers’ defence. Having found space where none thought possible, he found his supporting man who charged over Hammers’ line. The conversion duly missed, the score read 5-0 Battersea.

This was the wake-up call Hammers needed and bearing an upright zeal, and great fortitude of character, the 15 men descended upon the Battersea defence. James Lo’s inspirational words of ‘lads these boys all work in the city with us, this game has serious bragging rights’ ringing in our ears. The attack, renewed with great vigour, advanced deep in Battersea territory, halting only briefly when Alex Hart threw a pass where he looked not, drawing great wrath from the sideline. Hammers had a new resolve. ‘Aut cum scuto aut in scuto.’

Stealing the ball from their lineout like a thief in the night, the ball found its way into the hands of Pete Bicknell who punched through the Battersea defence like Moses parting the Red Sea, offloading to his comrades before Pete Morris touched down. Consul Caravan added the extras to put Hammers ahead 7-5.

This foray was followed in quick succession by another, this time, some excellent line-out work marshalled by Zander Stephens gave the backs the platform they needed. Then, in the manner of Hannibal at the Battle of Cannae, Hammers’ backs once again pincered the Battersea defence leaving none other than magnanimous Mitch Lewis to score. Hammers led 12-5.

Not content to rest on their laurels, Hammers once again made a break for Battersea’s line, earning penalty after penalty five metres out. Settling for a scrum, the Hammers pack heaved Battersea backwards, front row Rogan, Gus, and Poulton leading the charge, and some clean-cut passing from the backs put James Lo over in the corner. Consul Caravan added the extras to see Hammers into halftime 19-5 up.

Even in classical times, the gods were oft reluctant to involve themselves in mortal affairs. However, the sheer incredulity of Hammers’ fourth try leaves nothing other than divine intervention as an explanation. With Hammers quickly regaining possession, Mike ‘Lav’ Laverly threw an audacious miss pass along the winds of time themselves. This was quickly followed by a cross-field kick which was, in turn, caught and kicked forward for a waiting Tim ‘le Snack’ Russell to pounce over the line. The Bonus point had been secured.

To their credit, Battersea quickly responded with a score of their own, leaving the score 26-12. However, that would be the last time the ball would cross the whitewash. Other notable occasions included Rosco continuing the team’s black eye tradition. Much like Achilles taking an arrow to the ankle, scrum-half Rosco was punched in the face. Somewhat less poetic sure but no less of a mighty sacrifice to the Hammers cause. Content with his miss pass and having secured the bonus point, Lav duly smashed their 12 off their ball and left the field, having been shown some cheese.

When the final whistle blew, it was Hammers who triumphed in the South West Derby. Man of the match was awarded to Angus ‘Gus’ Brown, a man forged in the sands of the Colosseum, who was decisive in Hammers’ set-piece coming out on top. With five wins in a row, attention now turned to London Welsh at Fortress Hurlingham.

(It should also be noted that the author was not allowed to submit this report unless he included how, in the dying minutes of the game, he was utterly melted by their biggest bloke. Think David vs Goliath but instead of using a slingshot, David just runs into Goliath. That sort of thing.)

The Hammers came into Saturday in buoyant mood, having previously dispatched the ‘Wild Geese’ convincingly in their last outing and bolstered by the return of London’s premier Doctor, Steve John, and Mykonos’s favourite beanpole, Alex Hart. In some further changes, club veteran Rogan was asked to carry the water, offering a first start to a man half his age, Ricky Drewitt, at loosehead, whilst Joe Crawley was set to make his debut off the bench after some strong performances for the 2s. The challenge this week lay in the form of Farnham, a side who were marooned near the foot of the table. Nevertheless, closer inspection of results unveiled important nuance – their defeats have all been by tight margins and they pushed table-toppers Welsh close. The warm-up was sharp, and Coach ‘Jacko’ may even have displayed a minor smile across his pursed lips, which should have been a warning sign.

The Hammers got off to a delightful start. A clean kick-off return (not a common feature thus far this season), preceded a fluent period of possession. Playing our attacking shape, the forwards made some dynamic carries, before Joel Caravan played a flat miss pass out to ‘Le Snack’ Russell who kindly returned the egg to the Caravan via the delicate, sun-kissed hands of Hart.

15 minutes later, and it was 14-0 to the Hammers. The combination of Caravan and Russell striking again, with the former making an electric line break before feeding the gas to finish. The Hammers were in control, and with Hart having been yanked on his return midway through the half, they could have had more. Some intense harrying work by the back row titans, John and McMahon, made Farnham cough up possession and our nippy 9, Rossco looked set to score his first ever Hammers try. Sadly, raw pace is not something our Tartan warrior is known for, and a panicked offload found turf rather than the expectant stick-mitts.

As the second half arrived, the portents were rather less promising. Early on, Joel Caravan, drawing inspiration from the burgeoning centre partnership of Lavery and Bicknell, won a brave turnover in the middle of the park, which he soon ruined by booting the ball sideways and straight out. In times gone by, Bicknell would have engaged death stare mode and lessons would be learnt. Sadly, with his fellow Kray twin, Harry Scarr, missing with a sore hand, the aura has faded and he would now struggle to scare a kitten.

Sure enough, Farnham came back into the game, putting the Hammers under pressure. They controlled both possession and territory convincingly during the second half but strong defence kept them at bay barring a single penalty which the Farnham 10 knocked over for some stats-padding. With Farnham knocking at the door, the resolve of the boys was tested further due to a number of injuries. Poulton (back), Bennett (wrist) and John (head) all trudged onto the sidelines with the game in the balance.

However, against the run of play, the Hammers struck to put the game to bed. A penalty provided the opportunity for some territory, however, not for the first time, Lavery missed touch. Fortunately the ball was kicked back to the Caravan himself who manufactured a 3 on 2. Russell showed everyone he has power to go with his raw pace and burst through a double tackle, offloading to Morris who dummied and made it to the line.

The last throes of the game saw a return to the pattern of the second half, with Farnham asking difficult questions in the Hammers 22. Questions which were mostly answered, until they went over with the last play in the game to deliver a final scoreline of 19-10. We wish Farnham well for the rest of the season and look forward to our away trip to Guildford.

MoM: Tim ‘Le Snack’ Russell.

Tin Man: A very unscary Peter Bicknell for impacting the operational capacity of South West London’s emergency NHS services by knocking out Dr Steve John.

Following a disappointing but winning performance the week before against a resilient Farnham, it was a determined Hammers 1st XV that travelled to Surrey for this, their first ever match against Guildford RFC.

From the start, things were different.  The boys started strongly, defending the first 5 mins or so, before winning some good penalty turnovers and taking the game to Guildford and opening the account via a great first try through Pete Bicknell, care of a couple of good Jacks followed by a Whisky (Rangy) and he was in.

Score: 5 vs 0.

Typically, Hammers switched off from the restart, with Guildford employing a split Kick Off. The ball was caught by Captain Joe Carolan on the backs’ side, before a silly penalty was given coming in from the side. Guildford kicked to the corner and then 5-man lineout drive over the line.  Score 5-5.

This lapse in concentration in the first half was what we needed to switch back on, securing the ball from the kick off back and scoring almost straight away, with the forwards retaining possession well which unleashed the back line. A couple of dents from Bicknell and Pete M was able to go himself and make it to the line. Score: 12 vs 5. Hammers extended the lead through a penalty 15 vs 5, before score our third try of the half. Bicknell crash ball, with an offload inside to Joe Carolan under the posts score 22 vs 5.

Unfortunately, this was Bicknell’s last partaking in the game as he went off with a dead leg. Guildford, scored in the final play of the half with the most dubious decision of the year, they kicked the ball through, Mitch put the ball down over the line, ref said that the ball was not controlled, despite admitting there was downward pressure. Score half time: 22 vs 10.

Hammers started the second half on the back foot, catching the restart but giving a penalty away almost straight after. Guildford nudged it into the corner where they remained on our line for the next 5 minutes, however, the defence stayed firm holding them out. When Hammers finally got in their half, they scored from what was undoubtedly our best try of the season and some New Zealand-esque style of rugby. Two quick Jacks and a magic, straighten through the defence, with Joe Crawley on hand to score in the corner. Score: 27 vs 10.

For the next 15 mins we were in our own half unable to escape and unfortunately the defence didn’t hold out as it had done previously. There were some great shots going in with bodies on the line, however Guildford were able to score eventually through 2 pick and go’s in very quick succession. Score 27 vs 22. At this point, concerns of another Medway were in the players’ minds, however, like most of the day our counter attack and freestyle of play put us further ahead. A loose kick from them to Pete Morris, who beat two and offloaded, quick hands from Ricky to Joe, to step inside and offload to Ross who has officially ended his Doughnut. Conversion successful. Score: 34 vs 22.

For the remainder of the game, we were camped on our line. Pete Morris, received a yellow, but bodies were being put on the line including Sean who took a big old blow to the head. Defence remained strong with a massive effort until the ref finally blew his whistle. Final Score: 34 vs 10, and our first away bonus point of the year!

Hammersmith and Fulham 2’s made the favourably short journey of 7 mins down the A3 to play London (eaten too many) Cornish pasties at the Richardson Evans Memorial Playing Fields. Blustery and wet conditions made no excuses. Mitch Lewis got the 2s off to a tepid start via a quick change of direction drop-kick off that didn’t even make it 10 unfortunately.

What Cornish lacked in numbers (13 players) they made up for in brute force as the Hammers found themselves pinned in their own half for the first 20-30 mins eventually leading to a maul-driven try by Cornish in the corner. The windy conditions thankfully meant this try went unconverted 5-0, and the Hammers turgid start finally turnaround after playing some actual rugby resulting in a try to 2s debutant Joe Crawley danced his way through two Cornish players before hurdling their prop to dot down, this was duly converted by Ben Dugdale, our terrier-like dogged halfback, with the sides going in at halftime 5-12 to the Hammers.

In the second half, the Hammers numerical advantage and fitness finally started to pay dividends, which were further compounded due to additional injuries to the Cornish team. Starting the match with a front-row that looked like something you’d find in Terry’s Lost-and-Found bin at the clubhouse, a front three of Whittingham, Reuben “Please Don’t Deport Me” Hernandez, and Johnson actually held their own against a former Cornish 1s prop duo who came in at a whopping 120kg and 130kg respectively. They simply looked as though they had eaten the existing 2s front row and taken their places.

Unforced errors, a lack of discipline across the park, and half a dozen knock-ons from the backs in wet and blustery condition were the key issues for 2s which resulted in Cook, Imfeld and Hernandez having to step in as makeshift centres to eventually play through Vaughan for his second try of the day following a good run from Cook through the midfield. Following a short dry spell Mitch pulled off a cross field kick and with a faithful bounce it landed in the hands of Morgan who sensed white line fever whilst being chased down so started to slide in from the 5m line but even he was unsure if he grounded fully.

However, it was Lalor who was simultaneously both the best and worst in the same passage of play after dropping the ball from a kick-off, somehow managed to avoid knocking it on only to then grubber kick the ball 30 yards, pick it up himself and pass to play in our resident Kiwi Bryce “Up the Bok” Morgan for his second try. He was duly advised by his fellow forwards to cut out that razzle-dazzle nonsense moving forward, else he’ll have got dick of the day.

Ed Donovan received Man of The Match after 4 years out of rugby lasted 80mins and Hernandez, despite similar strong efforts on the loose head side, received Dick of the Day (again!) after giving away a penalty due to a high tackle for the second week running, albeit narrowly escaping a yellow card this time due to mitigating factors.

All in all, quite a lot to improve on across the park, but the 2’s remain undefeated and finished out the match as 38-5 winners.