The Hammers approached their game of 2022 with a spring in their step. With our resident Doctor officially describing Omicron as “finished”, it was to be our first game in a month. And what a game to head straight into. 3^rd Vs 4^th. Win and the Hammers would take 3^rd and be looking at chasing the top two of Camberley and London Welsh. Lose and Medway would open up a decent gap, leaving the Hammers marooned on the desert island of 4^th. Five new year training sessions under the belt, coach Jacko having detailed at length what was at stake, and a new fines system being enforced, the boys were feeling confident and ready to attack our visitors from Kent.

The first few minutes were played at quite the pace. The Hammers launched an attack from deep and got on the outside of the Medway defence, making yards but our experienced winger JLo (no one really knows exactly how old he is) was guilty of coughing up the ball. The Hammers’ right-wing played witness to the battle of the honey badgers. Timmy ‘Le Snack’ Russell, so impressive all season long, came up against his doppelganger. On this occasion, the Kentish imitator got the upper-hand (-off) in, making a break before smartly recycling possession on the Hammers’ 5-yard line. 2 phases later and some good handling had Medway over in the corner.

Rapidly, a Caravan special kick-off, followed by some ill-discipline on their own 10m line meant that the boys in Red & White were 8-0 down. The Hammers needed a response and got one via a rare line-out maul try. A good dart by Gus to the back and a well-constructed maul saw big Ed cross the whitewash. 8-7 and the Hammers were in the game.

This was to prove a false dawn. Medway kicked well, which can’t be said of the Hammers’ backline, regularly turning a reformed back-three after Lav went off early with a nasty rib injury. With a solid platform at set-piece, they attacked with structure to score once more, going in 15-7 at the break.

Early in the second-half, the Hammers suffered a major blow, with Gus Brown suffering a head knock and taking a pew on the bench. With no specialist hooker on the bench, Andrew ‘The Hinge’ Rogan plonked himself into the middle of the scrum, with Poulton assuming line-out throwing duties for the first time in his long and storied playing career. Whilst the line-out held out OK, Medway turned the screw at scrumtime, earning themselves two further tries, with the Hammers securing only another lineout maul in return.

The game ended in further ignominy, with star winger JLo suffering a hamstring tear which we hope heals quickly.

Final Score: Hammers 12 – 29 Medway

Eighteen men sit around a changing room. They are in unfamiliar lands, yet in all too familiar territory. Forty minutes have passed and even now, the wear of battle has begun to take its toll. At the general’s command, eighteen men stand to attention, bearing crimson wounds to match crimson jerseys. Could everything be put on the line so months of grit and toil would not be in vain? That was something only they could decide.

As the eighteen men march out to determine their destiny, the scoreboard in the distance reads 19-0 to Cobham.

Record scratch

Freeze frame 

Intro to Baba O’Riley plays

Yup, that’s us.

You’re probably wondering how we ended up in this situation. Our expectations were certainly not quixotic in nature. Training had been sharp. Club captain Rogan, whose attempted coup to oust 1st XV captain Joe Caravan had been uncovered earlier that week, avoided past errors by not mixing up Cobham with Chobham. Arriving at the correct location, Alex Spicer successfully freed his car from the staff car park. And all about the Cobham away changing-room was a spirited air of relaxed confidence. The warm-up was focused, and with jerseys donned and final words enunciated, battle commenced.

However, as in weeks past, Hammers once again succumbed to the cacoethes of starting poorly. Immediately from the kick-off, we began to give ground and conceded penalties and unforced errors galore. Firmly with possession, a zealous Cobham attack met a sluggish Hammers defence, and within a few short phases and against all vaticinations, it was Cobham that crossed the whitewash first. 5-0 to Cobham.

General Jacko wasted no words in galvanising the squad, and immediately from the restart, this author can report he wiped out the Cobham second row who caught the ball. This author, however, is far less proud to report that he did so while that Cobham player was still airborne. The referee, Laodicean to calls for some cheese to be branded, nonetheless awarded Cobham the penalty and Hammers found themselves back within our own 22. Within a few more phases, Cobham once again crossed the whitewash. 12-0 to Cobham.

After a long back-and-forth with both sides having good chances, Hammers appeared to finally settle into the game. However, our woes would only increase in the lead up to half-time. A short and high-box kick put up by Cobham caused confusion and consternation among Hammers’ ranks. With no clear communication, Cobham seized their opportunity and broke down the disarrayed defence with a series of offloads. The scoreline at halftime read 19-0.

Fast forward

So that’s how we got here. They say history doesn’t repeat itself but it sure does rhyme and it was not hard to draw parallels between our situation and our match against Horsham the week before. Though as great men have said, ‘winning teams win’ (Joe Caravan 2021, Abraham Lincoln 1865.) Even against such a deficit, Hammers were not out yet, and with hearts and minds clamouring for battle and for blood, sweat and tears past not to be shed in vain, eighteen men once again took the field.

The Hammers response was ferocious. With succinct and concise phase play, Hammers broke into the Cobham 22. After some heavy forwards carrying, the ball found itself wide where it was juggled between James Lo and Joe Caravan over the try line before Harry Scarr dealt the decisive blow. Within minutes, Rich Vaughan, like a bolt of Zeus’ wrath across the night sky, blew down the centre of the Cobham defence to dive down between the sticks. James Lo soon followed his example and bearing a youth and pace far before his years, crashed over the line to even the scores. Not long after, Tim ‘le Snac’ Russell, already rumoured to be the subject of Taylor Swift’s next album, powered through the would-be Cobham defence to put Hammers ahead by 7. Hammers were finally in control at 26-19.

Then disaster struck. With ten to go, Harry Scarr collided head-first with an opposition player and despite claims of lactose intolerance, the referee handed him the cheese, removing him from the rest of the game. Down to 14, Ed Wynne finally got to live his dream as he moved into the second row, forcing Zander Stephens to drastically rethink our lineout jumping options. Five metres out, Cobham mauled but were halted. The Hammers defence was tested by wave after wave of relentless offence until finally, our opponents broke through. With six to go, the scores were level at 26-26.

A draw was no better than a loss, both were unacceptable. No matter the odds, no matter the challenge. Having reclaimed possession off the kick-off, the forwards threw everything on the line. Phase after phase, carry after carry. Gradually, Hammers worked their way up the pitch. Into the 22. Another yard, a metre, an inch. The clock ticked into the red. Time was up. This was the last play. Metre after metre until at last, we entered their 5. There could be no mistake, no error, no getting held up. And then the opening came. Having sucked in their defenders just enough, the ball was whipped out to Bryce Morgan who ran a line so piercing it could have cut diamond. With captain Caravan adding the extras, Hammers were victorious 33-26.

Saturday 4^th December. The skies were clear, the temperature was brisk and Hammers boys were frantically brushing their teeth to mask the smell of their work Christmas party from the night before. At the meet, the atmosphere was relaxed. Maybe a little too relaxed as no one had been assigned to pick up the kit.  Nevertheless, the boys got out and executed a great warm up. Talks of the setting being perfect to play our fast and expansive game were in the air. Everyone was feeling good, and the shirts arrived just in time for kick off.

Horsham were our opposition for the day and they’d been in fine form of late. They had been really unlucky to lose a few of their games by only a few points and so were looking to change that. They started strong from the whistle and were looking to secure some points from a lineout on the Hammers 5m line. In steps the master of the line out. Our resident Scottish sensei was already in their heads and intercepted their line out using only his mind (and his go-go gadget arms). Unfortunately, our part time scrum half/full time DOD was not on the same wavelength. His head wanted him to kick from our own try zone, his legs did not, and he dropped the ball for Horsham to pounce on. The try was converted from an impressive kick from the side line and you could hear our Head Coach grinding his teeth.

Hammers needed to bounce back and as a captain should, Joe Carolan lead by example. Horsham looked to kick from their 10m line but could not get the ball over the huge stature of our captain who stands at a huge 5”11 according to his Hinge profile. Some close control with his feet and Joe went over near the posts before slotting his conversion. A few minutes after, Hammers found themselves playing their usual fast free-flowing rugby with the ball going wide to our most capped player J-Lo who used some dancing feet to get on the outside of his winger before executing a perfect chip and chase over the full back. Converted again by our captain.

Even though the score would suggest Hammers were starting to control the game, it would shortly become present that Hammers were being carried by a few individuals.

Mistakes again cost the home team. A misplaced box kick with a poor chase gave Horsham an opportunity to counterattack which they executed and scored near the sticks. With 10 minutes until half time, the opposition scored 2 more tries. One in the forwards from a lineout, the other a breakaway try from their 10m line due to a terrible pass off our own scrum from yours truly. You could see steam coming out of Marks ears. 2 of the 3 conversions were made making the score 26-17 at half time.

After receiving the hairdryer treatment from the coaches and some tactical changes for the team, Hammers started the second half fiercely. Debutant Huw Parks going through a gap on the oppositions 10m that parted like the red sea and scoring under the sticks with Joe converting again. The next 20 minutes saw some good play from both teams that resulted in 2 converted penalties for Horsham but also a yellow card. Even though the comms through the hammers team was to stop giving silly offloads, we continued to give silly offloads and butcher a lot of chances. Not the fast and expansive game we had discussed.

With 10 minutes to go, Joe Carolan stepped up again to lead by example scoring off a good backs move after Angus and Zander had linked up again in the lineout. 32-28 to Horsham with only minutes left.

Some people say that good things come from the unlikeliest sources. Others say that they come in small packages. I think both are applicable here. Now playing at 15 and with his DOD free pint secured, Ben Dugdale decided he wants to help the team secure the win with a try from a well worked backs move that AGAIN came from the forwards dominating their line out. Carolan’s 5^th and final kick was also slotted making the final score 35-32. A great come back for the Hammers to keep pressure on the top spots. A great couple of bonus points for our opposition too who were unlucky to lose out at the end.

Man of the Match: Joe Carolan

DOD: Ben Dugdale

The Hammers 2XV travelled away to 5^th in the league Rosslyn Park Bs on a cold and blustery Saturday morning. Off the back of an excellent win against league title contenders London Welsh 2XV, the boys were feeling confident for back-to-back wins on the fast Rosslyn Park artificial turf. With Hammersmith playing with the wind in the first half, the game remained a tight affair for the majority of the first 40 minutes. The hammersmith scrum was on top form with the forward pack dominating Rosslyn Park at set piece, utilising this advantage in the dying minutes of the half, the boys opted to take a scrum penalty 5 metres from the Rosslyn Park line. Unable to handle the Hammersmith power, and with some excellent control at the base of the scrum, number 8 Ainsley Howard walked the ball over the line and doted down for the first and only try of the game. The try was smoothly converted by captain Huw Parks, despite the difficult windy conditions.

The second half turned out to be a cagey affair, with penalties and territory being traded backwards and forwards. The first points of the half came from the delightful penalty kick from Parks far out on the left-hand side of pitch against the wind. Parks call for a shot at goal seemed to be an audacious one. Undeterred by the wind, he stepped up and slotted the kick through the uprights, settling Hammersmith in to the second 40 minutes. Hammersmith then came under a period of pressure from Rosslyn Park camped within the 22, but stout defence from the entire team kept the Rosslyn Park team away from the line. Good game management by the boys and a further two penalty kick by Parks settled the game, which finished 3-16 to Hammersmith. Man of the Match was awarded to Huw Parks for his flawless kicking performance from the tee and steadfast management of the game from the centre of the field. This win solidified the teams position at the top of the league with one more game remaining before the Christmas break.

Special shout out to Mitch Lewis, who adorned the Hammers jersey for the final time this weekend before heading home to Australia. Following a solid hammers career, his final game was no different. He controlled the game from fly half putting in some sublime passes and subtle kicks, keeping the Rosslyn Park team constantly guessing. He left the field in true gladiatorial fashion sustaining a nasty cut above his right eye, leaving the UK with a nice souvenir to remember us by. Best of luck Mitch.

It was a clear dry day, with a slightly stiff breeze as both sides arrived at Hurlingham Park with pints being poured, burgers on the grill and a reasonable crowd gathering.

London Welsh kicked off into the wind, and quickly put Hammers under pressure as perhaps the size of the occasion had gotten to some of the boys and nervous errors crept in. Deep in our own 22, someone needed to rise to the occasion and lead the way and rising highest was the long-haired heartbreaker Tim ‘Le Scooby-Snack’ Russell. Spying an opportunity, he plucked a floated pass out of the air and pinned his ears back for the full 90 metres to continue his prolific try-scoring form.
7-0 to the Hammers, five minutes gone.

Top of the table after 8 games doesn’t come by accident however, and Welsh showed their quality by coming back hard with some serious forward pressure. Ill discipline was costly and penalty kicks to touch allowed Welsh to set up their driving maul, and from this platform they scored thrice in quick succession to leave the score looking far less rosy from a Hammers perspective, 7-21 after 30 minutes.

Up until this point it would be fair to say that Hammers had shown a little too much respect to their opposition, and it took a yellow card from a dangerous high tackle from the Welsh Captain to provide a bit of spark. For the last five minutes of the half Hammers had the bit between their teeth and went into the break disappointed that they had let the score line get away from them.

Hammers began the second half strongly, a scrum on the halfway line led to a set piece move in which centre Peter Bicknell blasted his way through the Welsh midfield and around the cover defence to score in the corner. The conversion was just pushed wide, leaving the score at 12-21 with 35 minutes of rugby left to play.

Frenetic would be a fair description of the next period of the game. Hammers spent long periods in the Welsh 22 but struggled to find that crucial breakthrough. After some quick hands through the backs released substitute winger Bryce into the corner, Hammers were incensed that the reckless dive from the Welsh covering tackler led to naught due to the ref’s view being blocked. This energy led to a score not long after, with flyhalf Pete Morris wriggling through the defence and reaching out to place the ball on the scoreline. With Captain Carolan knocking over the extras it was a two point game with ten minutes to go.

When reattaching Bryce’s head some of the wires must’ve got crossed, and his ‘over exuberant celebration’ after Morris’s try led to Welsh having a penalty from the halfway line instead of the usual restart. Welsh once again showed their fortitude by using this platform to launch an attack which saw them score an unconverted try and gain a little bit of breathing space on the scoreboard, as well as the bonus point. 26-19 after 72 minutes.

After the ensuing restart and a good clearance kick, the Hammers fullback Marshall MacLeod decided to do his best Marionette impression after taking contact and being held up by the Welsh defence. From this scrum in the middle of the park Welsh again launched deep into Hammers territory, eventually scoring in the corner. At this point there was a translation error, with the thick Scots accent of Hammers 9 Ross Anderson being mistaken for naked outrage by the referee, who showed him a yellow and told him to take an early shower.

For the last five minutes Hammers showed some serious fight, and launched attack after attack in the Welsh 22, only being stopped by repeated blatant infringements at the offside line and ruck, giving the referee no choice but to pull the card out of his pocket once again for the Welsh openside flanker. With the final play of the game Hammers finally crossed the line, to earn two bonus points and a final score of 26-31 to London Welsh.

Man of the Match was awarded to Peter Bicknell for his tireless efforts punching holes in the midfield and giving front foot ball. Dick of the Day was reserved for Ross Anderson, there will be a collection at the next home game to provide him with some elocution lessons.

Final Score:
Hammersmith and Fulham 26 – London Welsh 31

Try Scorers:
Tim Russell
Peter Morris
Peter Bicknell
Joe Carolan