The Hammers were in buoyant mood ahead of this week’s fixture against Luton after securing 3 bonus point wins on the trot. Following on from their recent appointment as the UK’s worst large airport, things weren’t looking so bright for Luton RFC, marooned as they were at the foot of the London 2 NW runway. Nonetheless, with a big pack in damp, if not quite wet, conditions, they were an obstacle that needed to be overcome.

Faced with some unavailability, the Hammers backline took on a changed look. Jack Davies came to compose the orchestra at 10, Ross Anderson played his second fiddle at 12, and there was a return to the side after his McGettigans’ tantrum for Alex Gee on the wing.

The men in red got off to a flying start. Kick-off was received and a strong exit accomplished. A poor kick return from Luton gave the Hammers time and space to counter-attack. Alex Gee was looking dangerous with ball-in-hand, probably the reason why his visa was denied. Once up into the 22, Waldron hit a lovely line and reached out foe the whitewash.

Perhaps even more pleasing was the control on proceedings the Hammers established over the next quarter. Defence was tight and organised, led by the back-row titan of Steve John, who had stopped saving lives for a few minutes to make some hits, and the menace that is Cillian Waldron. In attack, the pack moved into their patterns nicely to great effect. The pressure soon paid off with a well-executed maul, Jordan Abbot the beneficiary.

A third try followed quickly. A nice nudge over the top was chased enthusiastically by James Lo, and some deft handling by Steve John and Jacob Poulton led to the ball being returned to Lo who dived in at the corner. The game would have been put out of sight within 30 minutes had Ben Hatton not shanked a penalty from in front of the sticks after a rampaging maul was moved 30 metres up the park. Still the half-time oranges tasted sweet with the score 19-0 and the boys claiming there was plenty left in the tank.

Sadly, the second half was not more of the same. After conceding some careless breakdown penalties, Jordan Abbot did his best sleeping lion impression at one ruck too many and was shown a slice of Cornish cheddar. The heavy Luton pack used this as motivation to have an impact and started applying pressure particularly at the scrum. Andrew ‘the human hinge’ Rogan spent one scrum like a duck in water – neck bent over and feet off the ground paddling hard. Despite this, some excellent defensive work forced a turnover against the run of play and Elliot Purvis got over in the corner.

However, quickly it was backs against the walls. A lack of ball coupled with some cheap penalties gave Luton territory to force themselves over and onto the scoreboard. When they visited the 22 again, the referee deemed James Lo to have done something wrong and sent him to the bin. The situation called for calm heads. The Hammers looked to their captain to set the tone. Josh McClean responded by getting himself a yellow card. Thanks skip. 13 men on their own line held out two 5m scrums before Luton broke through.

At this stage the Hammers focused on closing the game out. Luton were looking to play more expansively and from their own 22 found an overlap to send their winger into the corner. Squeeky bum time. Coach Mark was readying his inner Alex Ferguson regardless of how it went from here. The Hammers secured possessed in Luton’s 22 and looked to look after the pill, despite the best efforts of the newly-single Sam White who thought now was the time for loopy tip-ons. Penalty secured. 2.5 minutes to go. Posts indicated. Missed. Ball regathered. Penalty secured. 1 minute to go. Posts indicated. Final whistle blown before kick taken (which is definitely not a thing). Bonus point win but it didn’t much feel like it.

The boys returned to the comfort of the sheds for their hairdryers and an evening of super fives. We go again next week.

The 3^rd XV travelled to a cold, wet and windy Regents Park on the first weekend of November to take on Belsize Park, a club which recalling victories in recent memory has proven hard for a host of Hammers sides.

However, having gone five from five so far in the league, the boys welcomed the prospect of looking to extend their undefeated run against a formidable opposition.

The pre-game chat from Steve “I thought he’d stepped down as Captain?” Harris (15) about how the game was going to be a physical arm wrestle proved telling. The wet ball and muddy surface saw Belsize trying to outmuscle their physically smaller opposition through their forward pack both at set-piece and around the park. However, despite the size difference, the Hammers refused to be intimidated and the beginning of what would become one of the best defensive performances was sparked into life by a colossal hit on the Belsize number 8 by Nick “Tweed is my favourite colour” Dunn (2).

With Belsize unable to break the red, blue and white wall that faced them they were forced to kicking possession to the Hammers backs who, led by Marshall “Tennents is the nectar of the gods” MacLeod (10) at fly-half, caused problems with ball in hand all day.

With 15 minutes played the match was scoreless, but despite Hammers set-piece being under pressure, the boys felt they had the upper hand and knew a mistake from Belsize was coming. Two minutes later, after the Belsize forwards managed to carry into Hammers territory, great defensive line speed saw the Belsize park fly-half forced a telegraphed miss pass which Tyler “proving all Aussie’s are not as bad a Rylance” Stacey (13) gladly took and sprinted the length of the pitch to score. Harris converted making it 0 – 7 to Hammers after 20mins.

Five minutes later Hammers were over the line again thanks to two cheeky piece of play from Nick “no fighting on tour” Emmet (9), firstly calling for, and receiving, an off-load from the Belsize scum-half as he ran into contact, then proceeding to run around the ruck and then dummy and fend off the Belsize full back, who he met on his recent tour to Japan, to run giggling out-loud, over the line. Harris converted making it 0-14 to Hammers after 25mins.

Belsize didn’t take kindly to this score and showed why they have been a thorn to recent Hammers sides, upping their accuracy and physicality, moving possession deep into the Hammers 22.

For the next 10 minutes Belsize threw everything at Hammers, but the defence refused to buckle. Every man in a red jersey refused to concede yards, with front row Jack “you missed a spot” Williams (1) and Dougy “Aye, Tennents is the nectar of the gods” Maxwell (3) leading from the front alongside Simon “L for left, R for right” Irwin (6) and James “love an off-load” Lalor (8). However, with less the last play of the half Hammers unfortunately switched off for a split second and that was all Belsize’s skipper needed to hit a soft shoulder and score.

Half time score 7-14 to Hammers.

The chat at half-time was clear, the defence had been brilliant but Hammers should not think that this alone would be enough to secure the victory. Knowing the threat that a resurgent Belsize Park could pose the team agreed to the target of scoring the first points of the second half and to try hold onto the ball as much as possible in attack.

With this clear in their mind the second half got under way but the conditions tried their best to ruin the game. As the wind and rain got worse more mistakes from both sides crept into the game and it became more stop/start.  Twenty minutes went past with no side scoring points, however with the scrum and line-out now being competitive from Hammers, and strong carriers still being offered by Tom “Sit down!” Mohan (5) and Hammers created chances but that final pass eluded what could have been a nerve settling score.

With the bench emptied and Dave “Benjamin button” Buchanan (20) now marshalling the forwards from scrum half, Hammers tightened up their accuracy and increased the tempo. Unable to live with the increased speed of ball, Belsize gave away a penalty bang in front of the sticks, just outside their 22 which Steve Harris signalled from the bench should be taken. However, with no recognised kicker on the pitch Marko “25mins late is early for him” Ravic (18) boldly stood forward and, saw his ugly looking kick just make it over the crossbar to make the score 7-17 to Hammers with 10 mins left to play.

Knowing they had to score twice Belsize threw everything at Hammers but, as had been the case for most of the game, couldn’t break down the resolute defence, epitomised by Sean “house party at mine” Burke (16) shooting out of the line and tackling the Belsize first receiver man and ball to kill what would have been a 4-on-2 overlap.

Full time 7 – 17 to Hammers, the boys’ sixth consecutive victory!

Next week it’s the turn of long-time rivals Ruislip to try and ruin the party, but a rare victory against Belsize will go a long way in boosting confidence.

Tries:

Stacey

Emmet

Con:

Harris x2

Pen:

Ravic x1

MOM: Dougy Maxwell – full 80mins, scrum improved throughout the game and led by example in ‘body on the line’ defence.

DOD: Nick Emmet – for ‘fighting’ with the Belsize full-back, who he skinned in this game, the night before the World Cup final in a bar in Tokyo.

 

 

First let’s take a moment of silence for our fallen protectors and remember that it is only for those fallen that both teams were able to pull on the jerseys they hold so dear.

The weather was apt for such a weekend of remembrance with the rain falling and a freezing mist descending on the ground defended by the men from Camelot. This was going to be an attritional one and even the beautifully assembled back line had to don studs over a centimetre.

The warm up came and went with little to note but with excuses made early about the dramatic shortening of reproductive organs we came together. We, as one, headed back to the split changing room piggies to the left to talk about pushing and backs to the right all gathered round a single pocket mirror J Lo had “found” in his flight bag – the Hammers were ready.

The rain fell harder as the, recently single, Hatton’s kick off went high into the Hampshire air – but who collected? None other than our very own Taylor Williams who’s salmon-like jump saw him reclaim what was rightfully ours.

The first 10 minutes were industrial with both teams digging in and making the most of every mm they had on their feet. After numerous phases of sideways action our very own Mitchell ‘Mitch’ Mitchellson puts a delicately weighted ball into the corner the Hammers boys are happy with the gain (some wingers even applauded) but Coach Mark is not and MMM is left on the end another wild accusation of his sobriety nicely round led off with F****** I****.

We defended, they defended, the next 10 minutes passed with little to write home about but it was 0-0 and that’s all that mattered until 21 minutes struck and some sloppy defending from their big boys allowed MMM to put our crash ball centre (the big JC) straight through on a switchy switcheroo. The boys in red white and blue were ahead and could smell blood – the kick was missed but an excuse was ready before it had left the tee… something about being recently single.

4 minutes later and having moved to a new technique of the elongated Gary Owen comes from the recently single Ben Hatton… Hammers are awarded a penalty for yet another offside in defence – this time there’s no mistake the conversion is slotted by the ball and chain lacking Hatton. 0-8 and the boys are purring.

The next kick off wasn’t a good one for the boys in red as it skimmed from puddle to puddle untouched and out for a Hammersmith lineout 20 metres out. Fortunately this was one of the few we managed to gather from the grey skies of Herts and yards were made. A cheeky dink was followed by a delicious toe forward and Taylor dived on the ball around the 22 and as Rhona Martin’s “Stone of Destiny” from the 2002 Winter Olympics he aquaplanes his way across the 10, 5 and finally try line dotting the ball down next to the sticks – a phenomenal try proving to all those watching at home that you should never give up on a dream. 0-15.

For the next few minutes The Hammersmith boys returned to the aerial bombardment that had served them so well. A cannon was launched towards the Hemel number 11, he gathered, the Hammersmith chase was fantastic, he panicked, ran sideways and launched a delightfully loopy pass straight in to the arms of the man we call J Lo. Straight under the sticks, conversion added 0-22.

Sadly the resulting kickOff is fumbled by mr Taylor willy who’s heroics from Salt Lake City 2002 could not matched – Hammersmith defended heroically but a slip/missed tackle (potato/potatoe) on their lively 10 allowed him to sear towards our line putting their portly winger in for an easy 5 pointer. The kick was missed and we, these Hammersmith men huddled, still in control, to discuss the 40 minutes that would lead them to their destiny.

5-22 half time.

Wow – it didn’t take long the Hammers boys come out flying and ready to avenge the gift they’ve just given. Those beautifully sweaty, steamy forwards are at it again… trundling towards the line in one of those pushy maully ruck things. As the battle hardened Chamillionaire would say – they see me rollin’ and someone touched down. A sight to behold and looking more and more inviting for those that had at this point lost use of their extremities. The kick was slotted – 5-29.

Our game changers started to make their way onto the thoroughly furrowed turf, big carries followed and we were back where we belonged. A pick and goooo from Jordan on their line resulted in a characteristically hilarious knock on over the line – the crowd sighs. But the scrimmage is strong and we win a penalty against the head. Its scrum time again it’s a big old heave ho steam erupts as the 8 Hammersmith big boys clash with their opposite man and like the bison on the plains of Africa they force their challengers back towards their own line. A penalty try!!! WOW – were ticking over nicely and sit at 5 – 36. Domination at its finest.

We dominate the kick off carrying hard and find ourselves parked about 15m out with a scrum – Joe (now moved back to his rightful role as puppeteer) called a Kiwi, Tonga, Lightyear an unknown move to most of the backline but our back gamechanger the Scottish adonis, Ross, catches the resulting pass and with a delay Southern Trains would be proud of put the recently single Hatton through with 1 man to beat… he winds up the pass and, not knowing his own strength, launched it over Watford and back to Hurlingham Park (a good 30 miles for the statisticians amongst us and a new Guinness World Record).

I don’t know what happened from this passage of play but their lineout malfunctions (not for the first time for either team) and they try and play out from their own try line but… theyre caught… by none other than Steve John (the man, the myth, the destroyer) who folds their 8 like a heavily used Brighton deck chair.

I’m so cold by this point that only calls for delicious orangey spreads can keep me warm but sadly the cross field never comes… next their 10 has an absolute shocker… the rain soaked ball goes through his hands hits his head, chest and eventually calf and he dinks the balls onto the on rushing and recently single Hatton who makes no mistake and canters toward the line… the game is won and euphoria erupts from the soaked Hammers congregation. 5 – 41.

Its crunch time… 36 points ahead, 36 minutes played and a shout comes for one last push… Mitch Mitchell Mitchellson hears something different. Another lineout malfunctions they turn it over and charge for our line… heroic defending here, the boys want to nil this bunch of low lifes… an unknown Hammersmith player melts yet another of these Hemel Hampsters and he spills it… “scrum” calls the ref… Mitch Mitchell Mitchelovic hears something different… we claim the ball and as one we are ready to wear down the clock which we all know (minus MMM) has 2 minutes to go… it comes to the back of the scrum.. composure is needed at such a delicate point… MMM picks it up 5metres from our heavily defended line… and WHAT!!! He kicks it away, dead, fully dead… he runs to celebrate what he thinks was one of his better kicks of the day… only to be reminded that we still have 90seconds to go… confusion ensues but we’re still united and ready to win for the badge and everyone watching back home.

Our dominant scrum destroys theirs and that’s it… the game is through… we’re cold but we’re winners and winners are grinners.

5 – 41. Well done.

Apologies for anything missed and not knowing the intricacies of the forward stuff… I’m still thawing out and never intend to learn the latter.

 

After a late in the week call-off from our scheduled opposition in the league, Hammers were grateful to Teddington RFC for stepping up and giving us a match on Saturday. The excitement of England’s semi-final had proved too much for one member of the squad, and so a slightly depleted Hammers 3’s arrived at Teddington after a long journey to some lovely british rain. 

Encouraged by a request for 35 minute halves from the opposition captain, Hammers started strongly and wanting to set the tempo of the game. The forwards and backs were linking up well with fluid handling and determined carries, which led to several early scores for the Hammers with Tom diving over just like tuilagi did on Saturday for the first score, then Ralston started slicing through the defence to score a brace. The Hammers knew they were in control of this game and with good discipline being kept and the option of roll on roll off subs, we decided to freshen up the team with the introduction of a few players and to keep the lads warm.  The first half was very one sided with possession high and keeping energy levels high  there was no let up for the home side, with the Hammers going in at the break to a healthy lead of 41-0.

 Things carried on in much the same vein at the beginning of the second half, led by Captain Cook selling a dummy that would have made Steve Thompson blush before steaming in from the halfway line. With such an abundance of names on the score sheet, Bobby Phillips was determined not to be amongst them and palmed a ball down with the try line begging. This act of generosity sparked a period of resistance from Teddington. They kept their attack tight, using the experience in their pack, and Hammers discipline was poor under this pressure. The arm wrestle was only broken by a yellow card for a shoulder charge from a Teddington player, their second of the match. Hammers scored a well worked team try to have the final say, miraculously converted by N. Emmett. Final score Hammers 55-0 Teddington. 

 Try Scorers

(Ralston x3, Cook x2, Bobby x1, Lachy x1, Eldridge x1, Mohan x1)

Stumbling out the Rylston many pints (of water) down the Hammers headed to Hurlingham Park inspired to show why we would have been playing in the world cup ourselves if it weren’t for the teenage rugby injuries that cut all our pro careers short.

A poor turn out of tins for the post game celebrations was a bad start to the day, not improved much when Coach ‘Loves Cowboys’ Mark gave us responsibility for the warm up, only to realise how clueless we were and renege on that idea 5 minutes in. Things could only get better, and they would have to, as all Coach wanted after two back to back draws was a clean 5 pointer.

With Josh ‘Leader Legend’ Mclean enjoying some R&R on the sideline, Rogan ‘The Human Hinge’ took on the mantle of rallying the boys to the cause, avoiding the use of dumb statements about spiders completely. It was Rogan’s reminder that this was the last time we would have to assuage Alex ‘Supersize’ Gee’s delusions of speed that the hype got real, leading to a motivated team hitting the park.

As the match kicked off it became clear that Letchworth hadn’t received the memo about our clean 5 pointer and decided to make a game of it. Some hard-fought phases of possession for both sides followed, with the early stalemate eventually being broken by a Joe ‘Sweet Caroline’ Carolan penalty kick.

Having got the scoreboard going Hammers continued to apply pressure, with patience and well executed forward plays setting up a good platform for Joe to add to his tally, stepping inside a rushed defence and touching down under the posts for a try and a conversion, setting the score at 10 – 0 with 25 on the clock.

Before the party could get started Letchworth hit back, pinning the Hammers down five metres from our own line for an aggressive session of scrummaging. The scrummaging went on for way too long, eventually being broken up when the ref partook in some ball on ball action. With the resumption of play Sam ‘Vahaamahina’ White swiftly got sent off for 10 on the naughty step following yet another scrum (Some say he was guilty of simply wanting it too much, some say his desire and aggression got the better of him, some say he was high, some say he simply let Swaino down.). Finally the scrummaging stopped, but at the cost of a try as the Letchworth backs executed a first phase line break 10 metres out, rounding off the half with a conversion.

Half-time score Hammers 10, Letchworth 7.

With all to play for, 1 man still sitting out trying to work out why he got a yellow, and the clean 5 pointer clearly at risk, the second half got under way to a tense hush amongst the Hurlingham faithful. A few more minutes of 14 on 15 rugby happened, before Alex ‘Probably the best Alex’ Hart got released by Carolan down the 15m channel, executing with sublime grace and swiftness a ‘Hart-Stopping’ show and go, draw and give combo straight out of Mark’s dreams to put Taylor ‘Oh wait I’m fine’ Williams in for a much-needed try (unconverted).

Even more rugby happened, and the game started to get loose as both sides’ attacks started to open up tired defences. Letchworth ultimately broke back with a nice try off a good line break and supporting runs, bringing the game back to within a score at 15 – 12. Letchworth still didn’t let up, and tested Hammers further, eventually going for a penalty to level the game.

Catching a break as the penalty missed its mark, the Hammers showed strong resolve to take back the momentum of the game, making good attacks and pressing deep into the opposition’s half. With strong Letchworth defence nevertheless persisting, it took a beautiful lofted miss pass to unlock it, unnervingly caught and touched down by James ‘Vice‘ Lo on the wing to bring the score to 22 – 12 with a great Carolan conversion.

With time running out for a fourth try the Hammers kept up the attacking intent, an inspired Sam ‘Definitely wishes he was Swaino’ White made amends and put Taylor through a gap in the Letchworth midfield. Taylor ‘yellow’s my favourite colour’ Williams did the rest, channelling his inner Beauden to chip over the cover defence before collecting the bounce and dotting down for the bonus-point try (converted).

The last few minutes got more expansive than anyone wanted as Rogan did his best impression of a 15 covering deep in the back field, leaving no one in doubt as to why he belongs in the front row. Letchworth kept on keeping on however, testing us until the end when a marginal forward pass denied them a well worked consolation try. Final whistle blown, final score 29 – 12, a good game all round, cheers to Letchworth.

With the 5 points in the bank pushing Hammers to 4^th in the league the ritual sounds of super fives could be heard across Fulham long into the night. Long live Hammers.