The day? November the 23^rd.  The opponents? Fullerians. The Pitch? Well, apparently the latest suburban race-track for their “local rivals”, but it was soft-to-heavy and primed for a forward dominated game.

Kick-off.  The game starts with a frenetic kicking contest, each back three playing a game of “No after you” whilst successfully missing touch several times (a theme that would continue throughout the contest). The forwards – looking upward in despair – wondered if they would ever taste the sweet brutality of contact, or perhaps today was to be a day for bird watching.  A Fullerian knock-on, and those concerns were quickly put to bed.  A scrum on the half-way line, and the hammers settled into early control of the game, as the “best looking pack ever to grace the field of play” (as one mature admirer of Alex “Rich Tea” Hart put it) began doing what they do best.

The Hammers looked good with the ball. Without it, Dave Arnot began demonstrating Scottish Rugby League Hooliganism at its finest by demolishing opponents on-and-off the ball with equal ferocity. It is rumoured the Fullerians coaching staff used their fancy intercom system to get a message to the referee – “ our 12 is really a prop” – and with this new knowledge the referee threatened to smack Dave’s bottom if he continued playing so hard, and told him to apologise for being too good at ending people.

It didn’t take long for Hammers pressure to tell. A penalty – side entry to the dominant Hammers maul – by Fullerians on the half way line provided an opportunity.  A touch finder from Ben “recently single” Hatton, and the ominous prospect of a Hammers lineout within their 22 became a Fullerian defensive reality.  A throw from Zac “howyafarkengoin” Halliday, and the maul rolled on again only to be brought down before the whitewash. The forwards backed themselves, and inspired by Boris Johnston’s tactical nous, prorogued the back line and resorted to pick-and-go’s. Angus “Who wants stash” Lean finally crossing the try-line for Hammers’ first points.  A conversion from Ben “Bumble” Hatton and the Hammers were 7-0 up. 3 points quickly followed from a penalty and the Hammers stretched to 0-10 lead.

Unfortunately the remainder of the half’s last 20 minutes was a great example of how not to play Rugby, score tries, or defend a lead. Notable line breaks from James Lo, and Alex Gee came to naught. Complacency bled into a disillusionment and like Brexit, the Hammers stalled after a strong start.  Fullerians pressed hard to capitalise with 10 minutes to go in the half. A well-worked try in the corner accompanied by a kick which defied both skill and physics resulted in a 7-10 score line, and with a few minutes to half time another penalty saw the score line levelled at 10-10.  Well done to our opposition for taking their opportunities.

The second half began with the words of Coach Mark “Do I look like a B###t” Jackson, ringing in the Hammers ears. With light fading the kicks didn’t get any better, but the intensity and desire did, with Jacob “Insta Rig” Poulton musing after the game, “At times I was unsure if we were playing man or beast it was that dark”.

The pressure finally became too much for Fullerians, who decided it was easier to play with 13 men. The first yellow for after some back chat from their captain, and the second a shoulder charge on Steve “The Doctor” John.  A penalty from Ben “Right Swipe” Hatton regained the Hammers Lead 10-13.

The game resumed, a kick-off, and for a match with few notable highlights (or light by this stage for that matter)  into the fell clutch of circumstance, and by that we mean that Jordan “Get me some Vaseline” Abbott caught the kick off under considerable pressure.  Soaring like Dumbo the elephant on the 10m line, he caught the pill and charged the Fullerian forwards.  A strong run ended about 30 meters later, from which he emerged covered in blood from a slight nose bleed.

More darkness, more pick-and-go’s and the Hammers found themselves once again camped in the Fullerians 22. Phase upon phase of pressure resulted in Pete “all smiles” Benson crossing the whitewash to put the Hammers 10 points clear again.  It was a lead that was held on to until the final whistle, by which time the game was being played by the light of the moon.

MOM: Jacob Poulton, for his strong work up front in a day dominated by the piggies.

Tin Man: Ben “Love me” Hatton, for his awesome box kicks that regularly went exactly where he and the rest of the team wanted them to go.

 

Sunday morning… it was a glorious day… the sun was shining and thanks to the obscene early start on a Sunday… there were no people around… apart from of course our mighty twos team… To keep the day interesting, we thought we would play in the oppositions shirts on this occasion… apparently our new kit wasn’t keen on the long journey to Medway… but fear not this did not hold us back!

First half we had some good hits.. strong runs but Medways defence was on point.

Half time 5-0.

Luckily this was not where our story ended … second half we made our comeback… Jackie with her new (highly fashionable/ stylish) goggles…. I’m sure was flying on a broomstick at one point she was so fast…. Brucie… I don’t think she realised any opposition was on the pitch.. she just crashed through all.. Buks actually ran (I know there was no walking/ skipping in sight) and scored a try within 5 minutes on the pitch… imo m was a gazelle straight down the middle of the pitch to score under the posts and Helen Ryan… well her catch before scoring that try was top notch!

*disclaimer… some people scored more than one try*

We even made a best pal for life in the ref… who ran his own commentary with lines such as ‘gee.. look at the gas on that one’… and ‘Medway will never catch her’. The team work and support was on fire and I could compliment every single person for their efforts!

Forward of the match went to Lauren… and back of the match to Jess Sass. Well done to Caitlin, Dannika, Hayley and Brucie on dominating their first Hammers Games… same again next week please!

Of course the fun bus would need a whole other match report to be written on it… but you’re okay… what happens on the fun bus.. stays on the fun bus… kidding clearly these stories ALL come on tour.

Anyway, final score 43-0 BOOM… world domination!

See you all tonight, pumped for another week of rugby.

The Fantastic 4

The Hammers were in buoyant mood ahead of this week’s fixture against Luton after securing 3 bonus point wins on the trot. Following on from their recent appointment as the UK’s worst large airport, things weren’t looking so bright for Luton RFC, marooned as they were at the foot of the London 2 NW runway. Nonetheless, with a big pack in damp, if not quite wet, conditions, they were an obstacle that needed to be overcome.

Faced with some unavailability, the Hammers backline took on a changed look. Jack Davies came to compose the orchestra at 10, Ross Anderson played his second fiddle at 12, and there was a return to the side after his McGettigans’ tantrum for Alex Gee on the wing.

The men in red got off to a flying start. Kick-off was received and a strong exit accomplished. A poor kick return from Luton gave the Hammers time and space to counter-attack. Alex Gee was looking dangerous with ball-in-hand, probably the reason why his visa was denied. Once up into the 22, Waldron hit a lovely line and reached out foe the whitewash.

Perhaps even more pleasing was the control on proceedings the Hammers established over the next quarter. Defence was tight and organised, led by the back-row titan of Steve John, who had stopped saving lives for a few minutes to make some hits, and the menace that is Cillian Waldron. In attack, the pack moved into their patterns nicely to great effect. The pressure soon paid off with a well-executed maul, Jordan Abbot the beneficiary.

A third try followed quickly. A nice nudge over the top was chased enthusiastically by James Lo, and some deft handling by Steve John and Jacob Poulton led to the ball being returned to Lo who dived in at the corner. The game would have been put out of sight within 30 minutes had Ben Hatton not shanked a penalty from in front of the sticks after a rampaging maul was moved 30 metres up the park. Still the half-time oranges tasted sweet with the score 19-0 and the boys claiming there was plenty left in the tank.

Sadly, the second half was not more of the same. After conceding some careless breakdown penalties, Jordan Abbot did his best sleeping lion impression at one ruck too many and was shown a slice of Cornish cheddar. The heavy Luton pack used this as motivation to have an impact and started applying pressure particularly at the scrum. Andrew ‘the human hinge’ Rogan spent one scrum like a duck in water – neck bent over and feet off the ground paddling hard. Despite this, some excellent defensive work forced a turnover against the run of play and Elliot Purvis got over in the corner.

However, quickly it was backs against the walls. A lack of ball coupled with some cheap penalties gave Luton territory to force themselves over and onto the scoreboard. When they visited the 22 again, the referee deemed James Lo to have done something wrong and sent him to the bin. The situation called for calm heads. The Hammers looked to their captain to set the tone. Josh McClean responded by getting himself a yellow card. Thanks skip. 13 men on their own line held out two 5m scrums before Luton broke through.

At this stage the Hammers focused on closing the game out. Luton were looking to play more expansively and from their own 22 found an overlap to send their winger into the corner. Squeeky bum time. Coach Mark was readying his inner Alex Ferguson regardless of how it went from here. The Hammers secured possessed in Luton’s 22 and looked to look after the pill, despite the best efforts of the newly-single Sam White who thought now was the time for loopy tip-ons. Penalty secured. 2.5 minutes to go. Posts indicated. Missed. Ball regathered. Penalty secured. 1 minute to go. Posts indicated. Final whistle blown before kick taken (which is definitely not a thing). Bonus point win but it didn’t much feel like it.

The boys returned to the comfort of the sheds for their hairdryers and an evening of super fives. We go again next week.

The 3^rd XV travelled to a cold, wet and windy Regents Park on the first weekend of November to take on Belsize Park, a club which recalling victories in recent memory has proven hard for a host of Hammers sides.

However, having gone five from five so far in the league, the boys welcomed the prospect of looking to extend their undefeated run against a formidable opposition.

The pre-game chat from Steve “I thought he’d stepped down as Captain?” Harris (15) about how the game was going to be a physical arm wrestle proved telling. The wet ball and muddy surface saw Belsize trying to outmuscle their physically smaller opposition through their forward pack both at set-piece and around the park. However, despite the size difference, the Hammers refused to be intimidated and the beginning of what would become one of the best defensive performances was sparked into life by a colossal hit on the Belsize number 8 by Nick “Tweed is my favourite colour” Dunn (2).

With Belsize unable to break the red, blue and white wall that faced them they were forced to kicking possession to the Hammers backs who, led by Marshall “Tennents is the nectar of the gods” MacLeod (10) at fly-half, caused problems with ball in hand all day.

With 15 minutes played the match was scoreless, but despite Hammers set-piece being under pressure, the boys felt they had the upper hand and knew a mistake from Belsize was coming. Two minutes later, after the Belsize forwards managed to carry into Hammers territory, great defensive line speed saw the Belsize park fly-half forced a telegraphed miss pass which Tyler “proving all Aussie’s are not as bad a Rylance” Stacey (13) gladly took and sprinted the length of the pitch to score. Harris converted making it 0 – 7 to Hammers after 20mins.

Five minutes later Hammers were over the line again thanks to two cheeky piece of play from Nick “no fighting on tour” Emmet (9), firstly calling for, and receiving, an off-load from the Belsize scum-half as he ran into contact, then proceeding to run around the ruck and then dummy and fend off the Belsize full back, who he met on his recent tour to Japan, to run giggling out-loud, over the line. Harris converted making it 0-14 to Hammers after 25mins.

Belsize didn’t take kindly to this score and showed why they have been a thorn to recent Hammers sides, upping their accuracy and physicality, moving possession deep into the Hammers 22.

For the next 10 minutes Belsize threw everything at Hammers, but the defence refused to buckle. Every man in a red jersey refused to concede yards, with front row Jack “you missed a spot” Williams (1) and Dougy “Aye, Tennents is the nectar of the gods” Maxwell (3) leading from the front alongside Simon “L for left, R for right” Irwin (6) and James “love an off-load” Lalor (8). However, with less the last play of the half Hammers unfortunately switched off for a split second and that was all Belsize’s skipper needed to hit a soft shoulder and score.

Half time score 7-14 to Hammers.

The chat at half-time was clear, the defence had been brilliant but Hammers should not think that this alone would be enough to secure the victory. Knowing the threat that a resurgent Belsize Park could pose the team agreed to the target of scoring the first points of the second half and to try hold onto the ball as much as possible in attack.

With this clear in their mind the second half got under way but the conditions tried their best to ruin the game. As the wind and rain got worse more mistakes from both sides crept into the game and it became more stop/start.  Twenty minutes went past with no side scoring points, however with the scrum and line-out now being competitive from Hammers, and strong carriers still being offered by Tom “Sit down!” Mohan (5) and Hammers created chances but that final pass eluded what could have been a nerve settling score.

With the bench emptied and Dave “Benjamin button” Buchanan (20) now marshalling the forwards from scrum half, Hammers tightened up their accuracy and increased the tempo. Unable to live with the increased speed of ball, Belsize gave away a penalty bang in front of the sticks, just outside their 22 which Steve Harris signalled from the bench should be taken. However, with no recognised kicker on the pitch Marko “25mins late is early for him” Ravic (18) boldly stood forward and, saw his ugly looking kick just make it over the crossbar to make the score 7-17 to Hammers with 10 mins left to play.

Knowing they had to score twice Belsize threw everything at Hammers but, as had been the case for most of the game, couldn’t break down the resolute defence, epitomised by Sean “house party at mine” Burke (16) shooting out of the line and tackling the Belsize first receiver man and ball to kill what would have been a 4-on-2 overlap.

Full time 7 – 17 to Hammers, the boys’ sixth consecutive victory!

Next week it’s the turn of long-time rivals Ruislip to try and ruin the party, but a rare victory against Belsize will go a long way in boosting confidence.

Tries:

Stacey

Emmet

Con:

Harris x2

Pen:

Ravic x1

MOM: Dougy Maxwell – full 80mins, scrum improved throughout the game and led by example in ‘body on the line’ defence.

DOD: Nick Emmet – for ‘fighting’ with the Belsize full-back, who he skinned in this game, the night before the World Cup final in a bar in Tokyo.