On a glorious Saturday 26^th October – after watching a terrible game of rugby (from a South African’s point of view), England decided to celebrate by providing us with cold and wet conditions to play rugby in. With the late kick off at 5:30pm under the Rosslyn Park floodlights, the team were keen to get going on the 4G pitch. Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James shouted, ‘4G is really good for my laundry.’ Normally the team would be half drunk by 4.00pm but given there was nothing to do other than to think about how shocking New Zealand played, everyone arrive on time for a change. It started off with an easy decider on Dick of the day award for Ash ‘I’m a chav’ Mitchel as he left his boots at home.

With Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies kicking off the game, it all begun. With the wind against us, pretty mild rainfall and a forward pack smaller than the opponents’ backs it looked as if all odds were against us BUT…………

Over the course of the first half a few of the boys stepped in to make crunching covering tackles and one by one we landed up with injuries. First Monty ‘Mr Lover Lover’ Lovering injured because Rosslyn apparently don’t like gingers so a tactical change from our Captain – Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies moving his 12. Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson to 9. And Chris ‘I do business – with children’ Ralph coming on. Second injury – Chris ‘I look like Tom Curry’ Aird put in a hit but landed off second best and disappeared off the field only to be found sitting with the spectators holding his shoulder, everyone confounded as we have never seen such magic from a lawyer (or have we). No choice but to bring on Jack ‘no, I look like Tom Curry’ Small.

It was a hard-fought game in the scrums between the between the forward packs, with the Hammers coming off second best. A switch of sides in the scrum between Henry ‘I speak a lot’ Oliver and Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner leaded to a slightly more stable attacking platform. A massive outburst on the wing from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany landed us in their 22 unfortunately only leading to a line out for Rosslyn park. After a big steal from Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner at the front and a few dirty phases, we got the penalty. Ross Anderson quick tap and no passing policy leading to a crushing tackle, a popped shoulder, and a knock on. He surprisingly popped it back and carried on playing, he must be Asian.

Ref called a penalty and gave Slade a warning for speaking to his captain – A very confused look came across Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies face as he didn’t even know what to tell Slade Buchner other than don’t talk at all. A demand that all players and supporters appreciated.

Rosslyn fought back to our half and had a penalty about 35 m in front of the post. They went for the posts but missed. Half time was called.

Score 0-0

A quick change with Ross coming off due to his shoulder lead to Ed James moving to scrum half and Derry ‘Honey badger’ Waldron at full back. Henry Oliver went off for Tim Williams moving Ollie ‘Penalty machine’ Rea to second row. They kicked off and we didn’t respond, luckily there was a knock on from Rosslyn otherwise it could have been the first score of the match. The Hammers led a massive fight back to Rosslyn half with some great breaks lead to a step and a step by Golden boots’ with a try right under the posts. 7 – 0 to us. Rosslyn kicked off and again another stare down between the penalty machine and Gerad ‘Keep pushing’ Rhodes lead to a bounce ball that was finally secured. A massive kick out of our half and a great chase from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany with great pressure and amazing defence from a few forwards forced Rosslyn Park into conceding a penalty. A kick, a maul and a break through the middle of a ruck from Slade Buchner to their 5 m. A few carries later and Tim ‘Did I just score’ Williams over the chalk line. 12 – 0 to Hammers.

It all fell apart with a few missed calls from the ref. It was only the continuous defense from the hammers that kept the home team from crossing the line for 10 minutes. A quick tap and go and missed tackle lead them to crossing the chalk line. Score 12 – 5.

A massive kick from Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James pinned Rosslyn back in their 22. A lot of scrappy play and a missed call led to a penalty – Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner didn’t say anything. Rosslyn with a missed kick to touch and Sam ‘I’m Blind’ Nursey caught the ball and positioned the Hammers back in Rosslyns half. Chaos ensued with bodies laying everywhere, and everyone scrambling for the ball. A second later a perfect pop straight into Davies and he dropped the best drop goal Johnny Wilkinson has ever seen, he said that Naas Botha would’ve been proud. 15 – 5 to hammers.

A hard fought Rosslyn team came back breaking a tackle and hitting a huge gap to move into the Hammers half. The defense held until the final play off the game where a quick break led to Rosslyn crossing the chalk line under the polls. The final whistle came with only a drop goal the difference between the 2 sides.

Score 15 – 12 finishing time.

Man Of The Match: Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James but left early so Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson

Tin Man: Ash ‘I’m a Chav’ Mitchell

Unfortunately, we lost the boat race

 

On a wet gloomy Saturday, the Hammers 1^st XV were on call to defend Hurlingham fortress against a Welwyn team sitting bottom of the league with something to prove. Few of the present boys were part of the squad that lost to them both times last season, and were as eager, as Mitch on a night out, to make amends.

With the rain spitting down, it was up to Ben Hatton’s little quads to get the game under way. With his first game back from injury, nerves must have been a plenty as the kick-off was fluffed. Scrum to Welwyn, middle of the pitch. Time for the boys to square off. The scrum held its own, which for some reason was a surprise to the Hammers backs, as they were split across the pitch. Welwyn ran a set piece, going straight through the formidable centre Hammer pairing of Waldron and Hooper, which led to a try under the sticks. Some say missed tackle – ‘Tomatoe/Tomato’.

Not the ideal start Hammers were looking for.

With a better restart, Hammers started to get into the game, and putting on the pressure. Welwyns game plan was evident, keep the ball down in the Hammers half. Little did they realise, Zac was throwing darts that the Ally Pally crowd would have been screaming “One Hundred and Eighty” for. The ferocious Hammers pack assembled into their trademark maul, which the opposition couldn’t handle. Penalties gave way which the Hammers did not capitalise on until, Joe was given a crack at goal, which he slotted between the posts. 3 points. Hammers were in the game.

More pressure followed and the trusted boot of Joe put Hammers in the corner. Hammer forwards assembled, and were going over the line but impeded by a side entry.  Penalty try. Hammers take the lead, and there they would stay.

Some loose kicking into the hands of our Asian-Persuasion winger JLO who was allowed counter, hand-off and make yards got Hammers good fielding position. Taylor ran some good lines, not in the direction his nose was pointing but actually in fact straight. As he made another break, with plenty of support players around him to make the easy pass, he decided to choose the harder option and grubbers one in behind, only for the young Benson to pounce on it over the line. Another try, and Hammers started to take control.

Kick off came deep and caught by the try-scorer Benson, who ran straight back at them, making good yards until he offloaded to Captain fantastic who benefited from running a superb support line. Like a scene from a safari, Josh gallivanting as graceful as a giraffe being chased down by a pack of wolves. The giraffe prevailed. Another try. Only one more try needed for the bonus.

With momentum fully on the side of Hammers, more breaks ensued, and strong carries from the likes of Steve, and Zander. Another dazzling break from Jlo creating a two on one opportunity. Man drawn, and pass given, only the try line beckoned, but ball dropped. Surely, classic Jordan was on the pitch, but it was in fact Joe the butcher.

Half time 22-7

With all the pressure mounting on the Welwyn side, they didn’t help themselves when referee had to issue Taylor’s favourite card to one of their players for a swinging arm. Hammers did not relent. Joes ‘out-of-hand’ kicking technique named the helicopter, kept the pressure on, and kept the travelling side deep down in their own half.

Hammers then forced their way into the Welwyn 22 looking for that bonus point. Whilst the backs stood there pretty as can be, screaming for the ball to come out to them, the mouldy forwards were having none of it. All their hard work, they wanted the bragging points for themselves and kept picking and going. With one final push, they managed to get over the line. Another try. Bonus point secured, and surely the total five pointer.

Hammers stamped down their authority on the game, with the human hinge, and club captain himself Rogan making carries (not yards), and being a nuisance at the breakdown. This lead to another break into Welwyn twenty-two, and another assist, in as many games, from the lion heart, Alex, as he passed out of the tackle following a quick pick and go to Ben. Five points guaranteed for Hammers but they weren’t finished just yet.

Whilst the LA Rams were in London for the weekend, Ben decided to show off his own NFL skills with a pass straight from the scrum to Jlo on the blind side, who ran, and danced his way over the line. Touchdown! Half the boys back where the scrum occurred, it was a bit of disbelief what had happened. Referee looked over at the touch-judge, but no complaints there. Brady would have been proud of that one.

Full time 44-7

And so, the glorious Hammers arrived in unfamiliar territory.  Is this a hockey club? Asked a bemused (and nameless) Hammers 2^nd rower.

And indeed it was, but also a rugby club, and football, golf, netball, shooting, sailing, squash, and tennis club as well. A swiss army knife of a place.

Sharing a changing room with another team, the mood was confused. Anticipation watered down by the bucketing rain- the first of the 19/20 season.

After the warmup, with the wise and direct words of coach Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson ringing in their ears, the boys in red, white, and blue set about the task of a cup run.

Immediately, they came under a barrage of fire from a well drilled, aggressive OC’s pack. Taking a solid few minutes of pressure, eventually the hammers cracked- a penalty given away in front of the sticks. 3-0 to OC’s.

The kick-off went deep, and immediately the privately educated chaps of deepest Surrey were on the offensive again. In all, hammers spent circa 15 minutes under the cosh to begin the game. That the only try conceded amidst all this time defending came out on OC’s left wing was a blessing. Conversion missed, 8-0 to OC’s.

20 minutes in, Hammersmith finally got their hands on the ball. Powerful runs from the likes of Steve ‘first name’ John up the middle, complemented with the whirling feet and pace of SJ ‘blessed’ Mahon out wide, got the SW6 lads into some strong attacking positions. Inaccurate lineout work and some tricky handling conditions delayed the build-up play, but finally Zac ‘not Phul’ Halliday connected with Jordan ‘nameless’ Abbot, and the hammers got a driving maul working over to the right hand side of OC’s tryline.

Mitchell ‘Mitchell’ Mitchell (Lewis) stepped up and nervelessly slotted the conversion, 8-7 the score.

“Come on OC’s” screamed a local fan, for the thousandth, and not the last, time of the day, but the rest of the half remained scoreless- not through lack of application, but as a result of the deteriorating conditions.

The second half got underway, and honestly not much happened for the first 15 minutes. It rained, hammers dropped the ball. It rained some more, OC’s dropped the ball. The ref blew the whistle, both teams blew chances, etc.

Suddenly, Hammers took the lead. Pragmatic phase play in OC’s half led to a penalty that Joe ‘middlesexy’ Carolan slotted. Nervelessly. as all successful kicks are (without a thesaurus at least). 8-10, the visitors in front for the first time.

This was followed in reasonably quick succession by another penalty, also belted through by Joe ‘JC’ Carolan. 8-13, and the Fulham men started to believe.

Both teams continued to go hammer and tongs at each other. Jack ‘pooper’ Hooper make good yards, Cillian ‘Friday drinks’ Waldron put in some shuddering hits, Sam ‘cambridge’ White made strong runs and threw a couple of cute offloads- Alex ‘2^nd best Alex’ Hart the beneficiary making excellent yardage. But, with inaccuracy still present, and the OC’s gaining the upper hand in the scrum, the game slowly progressed.

Suddenly, the scores levelled. Alex ‘Jackos best mate’ Gee gave away a tenuous penalty (in the authors opinion), OC’s kicked, and Ed ‘great education’ James mate an absolute hash of fielding it. From the resulting scrum, OC’s used their only area of superiority to get over the line. The kick was missed, 13 all.

The game went to extra time. Both teams dug in, emptied the tank, and scrapped in the muddy conditions.

But no one could do much of anything, and after 100 minutes of back and forth rugby the scores remained tied.

A check with the rules official, OC’s win on countback, 2 tries scored to 1. A heart-breaking loss for Hammersmith, but always gracious in defeat, genuine congratulations for the victors.

Hammers MOTM and debutant Zac ‘pints’ Halliday absolutely smashed the pint race, so there’s a victory in there somewhere.

Japan’s win against Ireland set the premise for what was to be a great day of rugby at Hurlingham Park. The Japanese house music played in the changing rooms before the game served only as motivation for the squad to correct the errors of the last two weeks.

The game started with 10 minutes of heavy pressure from Hampstead attacking from deep in their half and using the wide spaces well. Some good one-on-one tackles from Taylor Williams at fullback prevented a brace of tries early on. Hampstead managed to cross the line in the left-hand corner after a flowing backs move, only for Mitch Lewis to stop the ball from being grounded. The referee deemed the tackle to be high and gave a penalty try.

The Hammers fought back into the game through some dominant play by the forwards which eventually earnt a penalty in the opposition 22 and kicking it to touch. The resulting lineout was well won, and a subsequent maul was finished off by hooker Phil Lord, bringing the scores closer to 5-7. Hampstead recognised the threat posed by the maul and were hesitant to engage the Hammers in this for the remainder of the match.

The Hammers’ scrum remained solid throughout the game which provided a good base for the second try. Angus Lean picked from the base of a scrum 5 metres out and barrelled his way over. Joe Carolan kicked the conversion and the home team finished the half 12-7 up.

The second 40’ was dominated by gritty defence and yellow cards. A good press from the Hammers’ defence allow Hampstead little space in attack and resulted in the early part of this half being played in the visitors’ twenty-two. Mitch Lewis capitalised on this pressure to go over the line after a series of pick and goes from the forwards.

At 17-7 the tide seemed to turn and Hampstead pushed their way back into the game. Tim Williams was yellow carded for a high tackle resulting in 10 minutes of frantic, scrambled yet resilient defence from the home team. Just as Tim was preparing to come back on Taylor Williams momentarily forgot that he had to remain on his feet at a ruck and was penalised 5 metres from Hammers’ line. The referee felt the play to be cynical and while Tim was welcomed back onto the pitch, Taylor was sent for a 10-minute rest. The one-man adva

ntage finally paid off with the Hampstead scrum-half going over in the corner. Conversion successful: 17-14.

The home team controlled the game well from this point on and played the majority of the game from the opposition half. With four minutes to go, an overthrow by the opposition at the lineout allowed Steve John to go over for the fourth try and all-important bonus point.

Final score: Hammersmith & Fulham 22 – 14 Hampstead

For their second league fixture of the season, the Hammers travelled to London Cornish looking for another convincing win off the back of the 72-7 game vs Grasshoppers.

Warm up essentially consisted of walking the 20 miles between the changing rooms and the pitch and both teams were ready for what would be a competitive and physical game. It only took a few minutes for the Hammers to understand that Cornish’s backrow, averaging 6’2’’, would be the core of their attacking structure, facing a tough but vertically challenged 7-8 combination made of Ash and Jack Small.

Strong carries by the Cornish and lack of discipline from the Hammers gave the Cornish’s kicker an opportunity to get on the scoreboard and after 10 minutes the score was 3-0 for the locals. Good pressure on the following kick off allowed the Hammers to settle in the opposition’s half and eventually resulted in a penalty 25m in front of the posts, duly converted by skipper and fly-half Jack Davies. 3-3 after about 15 minutes.

London Cornish spent most of the first half ball in hand but were consistently denied by a red brick wall. On the other hand, H&F made the best of a few opportunities and a couple of phases after Ashton Mitchell sat down his opposite number, much to the surprise of all involved, Man of the Match Rob Fox ran a superb line and brought the Hammers back into the opposition half, taking advantage of a Cornish’s pair of centres more interested in interceptions than tackles.

As the Hammers got closer to the try line, they were rewarded by a penalty less than 10 meters in front of the posts. Taking everyone by surprise, including his teammates, Jordan Abbott tapped the ball before running into three defenders and scored the first try of the game, converted by Jack Davies. Cornish 3 – 10 HFRFC.

Determined to get back into the game, London Cornish bucked themselves up and set up a siege in Hammersmith’s 22’s for the remainder of the first half. Succession of penalties led to Ollie Rea being yellow-carded for a side entry on a maul. Great 7-man scrum and good pressure from scrum-half Louis van Langenhove forced Cornish’s no.8 to spill the ball out of the scrum and half-time was called before the local team could cross the white wash.

Second half started with a few amends in the backline, Slade Buchner having to move from second row to outside centre after the 1s drafted Ross Anderson. HFRFC quickly gained a penalty 25m on the right of the posts and Jack Davies didn’t miss the opportunity to increase the visitors’ lead. Cornish 3 – 13 HFRFC.

After spending the first half playing one-pass rugby off the nine, London Cornish decided the play wide and managed to make a break on the wing and enter the Hammers’ 22s. HFRFC’s infamous lack of discipline eventually offered a penalty 15m in front of the posts and opposition’s fullback had no problem kicking the ball over the bar. London Cornish 6 – HFRFC 13.

50 minutes into the game and Hammersmith and Fulham finally managed to play their game. Strong carries by Rob Fox and Sam White combined to a few penalties in Hammers’ favour moved the game into Cornish’s 22s. Sam White, again, used the momentum created by a good driving maul to get the Hammers on the try line and a couple of phases later, Ed Milner got the ball off the nine, bumped into a couple of defenders and scored under the posts. Try easily converted by Jack Davies (6/6 off the tee). London Cornish 6 – HFRFC 20.

As the Cornish were running after the score, the game became more open to the benefit of Hammers’ back three who thought this moment would never come.

Following another powerful driving maul in the opposition’s half, scrum-half Louis van Langenhove broke the defensive line in the middle of the park before offloading the ball to captain Jack Davies who then played wide for full-back Sam Smith. Another offload to this weekend’s second row/outside centre Slade Buchner and Chad’s second favourite brother put the ball down between the posts. Jack Davies added the conversion. London Cornish 6 – 27 HFRFC.

Few minutes later, a good call by Rob Fox allowed Sam N. to go for a run along the sideline before passing the ball inside to Sam S. Captain Jack picked the ball up, stepped the last defender and rewarded himself with a try underneath the posts before converting it. London Cornish 6 – 34 HFRFC.

Much to their credit, London Cornish didn’t give up whilst loosehead Sam White demonstrated why front-rows should never kick the ball. Last five minutes saw Ollie Rea being sent off for a second yellow card after he deliberately prevented the opposition scrum-half from tapping a penalty which could have resulted in a try. One minute later, it was Sam White’s turn to be yellow-carded for kicking the ball in a ruck, five meters away from the tryline. With two Hammer’s front rowers in the bin, London Cornish logically chose the scrum option. Little did they know that Jordan Abbott’s secret dream was to be a loosehead prop and as the Cornish found themselves under huge pressure from a 13-man defensive line, the ball was lost in contact and Hammersmith won the game without conceding a try.

Final score: London Cornish 6 – 34 Hammersmith & Fulham RFC.