A cold, greasy morning met the Hammers 2s as they awoke early for trip to Barnes to scrape their collective knees on the 4G at Rosslyn Park to take on the Bs. Some didn’t make it out of bed however and the usual Saturday morning reshuffle began with lads going up and down the teams like a game of snakes and ladders. This was made more farcical with the opposition announcing they didn’t have a full front row, a proclamation which made the tight 5 say “well what’s the bloody* point of this then” in unison (*the language was far more effervescent as you can imagine from the brains trust but kids might read this), awarding us a 14-0 “lead” to start the game with and then deciding they’d pushed the kick off back a half hour, meaning we may not have gotten back to see Rogan get his 100^th cap, without telling us. Infuriating…

Captain Ross Anderson used this to fire up the boys with a rousing pre match speech full of blue face paint and encouraging language meaning the game started with Hammers receiving and putting in some big carries early on. A good set of phases and some intelligent kicking from our Scottish half back pairing, second only to Ali Price and Finn Russell in my eyes, put us in the oppos 22 early on and fly half Sandy Duncan started his man of the match display by orchestrating the team around the park before dancing his way through the defence and under the posts. Max Dugdale duly converted and the Hammers were 7-0 up (we’ll add the silly “forfeit” tries later to avoid confusion, mostly mine) and looking to extend quickly. A Rosslyn Park lineout on their own 5m was pressurised heavily by Adam Stannard leading to a scrambled exit that was excitedly charged down by Hammers with Sandy Duncan almost collecting his second, only for the post to interfere allowing Huwilagi Parks (I’ll stop now) to reap the rewards from a better period of play. Dugdale M converted again and Hammers were feeling relatively happy at 14-0.

The early pressure did not hold however and had the Hammers putting pressure on themselves by playing too loosely allowing Rosslyn Park to pounce on a poor kick and get into the Hammers 22. Some soft tackling and lacklustre defence gave them the foothold they needed and they soon scored leading to a much needed talking to from coach Nugget. Hammers responded and got the pressure back on Rosslyn Park with some intelligent kicking and some lovely work in the wide channels from our very own Honey Badger, Rich Vaughan, on his first game back in long while. With no scrums in their legs the front row were tasked with doing more around the pitch and hooker Ash Mitchell gleefully stepped up and stepped his way through a number of good carries, which even prompted a rare compliment from Nugget, getting us back towards the Rosslyn Park try line before a Hammers scrum gave Number 8 Ainsley Howard the sort of stability that he could only dream of to have a go at the whitewash himself.

A great carry got us close and a slick backs move almost got us in, a loud call from the right wing then followed suggesting an overlap and some lovely take and give passing first from second row Connor Spruz and then tighthead Rob McKeon, bucking his usual trend for passing to the opposition in the wide channels, put George Nellany in for a well worked try. Dugdale on point once again and the lead extended back out to 21-5. Sustaining these periods was however clearly the issue for the day as Hammers let Rosslyn Park back into the game with a very soft try before half time leaving the boys knowing they needed to up their game in the second half.

The second half started well with back rowers Rob Vaughan, also recently returned to join his twin brother on the field of battle, and Will Parker, a morning call up to the side, putting themselves about, making good hits and threatening turnovers parking us in the opposition 22 again. A good lineout move on the left hand side of the pitch set up more pressure on the try line before Dougy Maxwell completed the front row’s earlier task by scoring in the left corner with what he recalled later in the Temperance as a majestic dive but in truth the air time was heavily hampered by the few weeks of honeymooning he’d recently done in America. The additional holiday weight would have been very helpful in the scrums but alas it was not to be. A fantastic touchline conversion from Ben Hatton took the score up to 28-10 and it seemed as though Hammers might finally build some consistency from this point.

This wasn’t the case however and Rosslyn Park clawed their way back into the game with two tries which could have been more if it wasn’t for a great lineout steal from Adam Stannard and some crucial turnovers from Sandy Duncan earning his MOTM award with hard, body on the line defence. The game hit the hour mark heralding the Hammersmith and Fulham debut of Ben Hibberd in the backline and with Hammers needing the turn the tide back in their favour he quickly put his Queensland rugby league experience to good use by running hard lines into, and through, a tired Rosslyn Park defence to give us front foot ball. A period of sustained pressure was interrupted by a head injury, that was fortunately not too bad, but Hammersmith didn’t let up and Rich Vaughan finally crossed over for his well-deserved try and earning himself a whole team group hug. It’s good to have you back mate. The emotion of the moment clearly got to Max as he missed the conversion leaving the score at 33-20 which is where it finished.

Add in the forfeit tries, which I’ll allow the boys to fight over on Instagram, and we won out 47-20 in the end. Someone needed to tell Nugget that as he seemed to suggest afterward that we’d have lost if it wasn’t for those extra two tries. Clearly he’d missed a couple of our tries somewhere, probably whilst remonstrating about the lack of scrums with Ed Wynne on the side line, earning him the DOTD title.

All in all an inconsistent performance with all of us agreeing that we never really got out of 3^rd gear and that a significant improvement will be needed if we’re going to get revenge on London New Zealand next week. Hopefully Ben Hatton will remember to use the facilities before the game this time around…

Final Score 47-20

Tries – Sandy Duncan, Huw Parks, George Nellany, Doug Maxwell, Rich Vaughan, 2 forfeit tries

Conversions – Max Dugdale (3/4), Ben Hatton (1/1)

MOTM – Sandy Duncan

DOTD – Nugget for thinking we’d have lost the game without those extra points even though we scored 5 tries to their 4

Vets Rugby: where prodigious talent meets inconsistent execution.  Where amazing potential meets infrequent availability.  Where sharp minds meet slowing bodies. Where grand plans meet modest implementation. Where parched lips meet post-match beers. And where, on Friday 18^th November, Hammers Vets met London Welsh.

With 122 current and former Hammers on the Vets WhatsApp group and months of advance notice, debutant Vets’ captain Ed Clark – keen to get his new reign off to a righteous start – had no doubt hoped to select a team embodying the best of the Golden Age of Hammers Rugby. How could he not, for with this battalion of Hurlingham legends regularly penning insightful analysis as to the shortcomings and strengths of various national sides, surely all would clutch at the chance to put their theories into practice?  Would not a team in same vein as those Twickenham heroes who swept all before them also take the field for this first match of the Vets season?

Alas, the pink slips proved harder to find than a beer in a Qatari football stadium. Justifying why he was unanimously voted in as Vets captain despite a plethora of better-looking candidates however, Ed cajoled, begged, and pleaded with the contacts in his phone like man on Tinder at 2am and pulled together a team that had more promise than a Wasps-era Danny Cipriani.  So confident was Ed in the ability of this team to seamlessly gel together he dispensed with the usual lengthy warm up, and trusted that 9 minutes of stretching, lineouts, touch and two run throughs would be more than adequate for this team of aged heroes to find their grove.

The kick-off whistle revealed a London Welsh that was clearly intimated by this unorthodox approach to match preparation and, in response, had elected to employ the most obvious counter…thumping the beejesus out of the Hammers as though it was a 6 Nations grudge match.  Nevertheless, the energy and heart the boys showed in the soaking up this initial Welsh pressure paid off, the Hammers enjoying an early-offside penalty… which was shanked off the side of a boot for only a 6-meter gain.  Early nerves were evident.

With the throwing-and-jumping duties falling to the Ménage à Trois of Maxime (2), John Mowbray (5) and a resurgent James Smart (6), the Hammers “learn-on-the-job” approach ran into the more polished London Welsh approach to the aerial ballet of the line-out and saw them lose the ball.  Several phases later and under pressure out wide, the Hammers line buckled.  0-5 to the visitors.

Accepting the inevitability of conceding an early try while all were still getting used to each other, the Hammers went straight back at Welsh, with Sly Olutayo (14) putting in a big hit off the kick off and forcing the Welsh to run it out from their 22.  From this point the Welsh doubled down in their physical, direct and not-particularly-wide approach to gaining meters, keeping the ball in close to the ruck or reversing it in a classic stack-and-attack blind side offense.  Determined to knock them back, eventually a too-eager Hammers defence saw the Hammers concede an offside penalty, which Welsh kicked deep and regathered in the ensuing lineout.  Blunting the maul, desperate defence at the ruck saw an eager Richard Hodson (3) cruelly penalised what appeared to be a class jackal that was again mauled by the Welsh, this time to scoring effect.  0-12.

At this point, the Hammers jigsaw started to come together and play with more fluidity and intelligence in the open play.  Eager to keep the ball away from the Welsh forwards, Ed Clark (9) and Felix (10) began to spread the ball wider in attack, regularly finding Rob Hankey (13) and a lurking Steve Harington (7) to probe the soft spots.  Growing in confidence, the Hammers found themselves several times visiting the Welsh 22, frustratingly unable to convert meters or possession into points thanks to an improving-but-still-dysfunctional line-out.  The set piece bleeding turned literal at this point, with stalwart’s Hodson and Mowbray injuring themselves in a collapsed scrum, Mowbray to the point of having to go to veterinary surgery to get a few stitches to his ear.  Other injuries also began to stack up – Larry Furniss showed importance of never missing “shoulder-day”, while Smarty got a cramp, abused a physio who had the nerve to try and help him, and then went off for a wee rest.  With benches emptying, the half-time score was 0 -12.

The break proved a game changer.  Seb Money – fresh from challenging his reflection to a game of Supa 5s – joined the field to replace Hudson in the row, whilst Clarky moved to 10, Felix to 15, and on came Will Finn at 9. Immediately from the restart, pressure from Sly resulted in a Welsh knock on and a Hammers scrum inside the Welsh 22.  This time holding their own in the scrum, Harrington picked from the base, beat the defenders, and scored by the posts.  Clearly concerned at the prospect of there being only 35 minutes left to play and unsure if the Hammers could overcome the mountainous 5-point deficit in that time, Felix disregarded the convenience of using his own kicking-tee and instead advised Clarky that he was 100% sure he would slot what was a drop-kick from in front of the posts…

…which he then shanked, securing his Tin-Man post-match beer.  5-12 Hammers.

London Welsh came back strong and similarly to the first half, played to their strengths.  A series of penalties saw Welsh maul from the corner, and then when that failed to produce points, pick-and-go over the Hammers line despite some valiant defence by Julian Draper (6), Jack Mooney (20), and Ollie Brothwood (12).  5-19 to Welsh, followed by a similar try minutes later, 5-24.

At this point, the game changed. Starting to really gel, the Hammers began to play like the Barbarians, keeping the ball alive and running a tiring Welsh defensive line edge-to-edge.  With Will Finn (9) feeding the ball to coming-around-the-corner forwards, and Clarky able to rely on Rob, Jack and a lose forward unit clearly fitter than Welsh, holes began to open.  Meters were made.  Confidence flowed, to the point where even Steve Harrington disregarded a 4-on-2 overlap and instead decided to chip-and-chase from inside our own 22.  Madness!  Under pressure, the Welsh sought to kick their way out of trouble, only to find “snake-hips’ Felix running back at them holding the ball in one hand like a Fijian 7s player.  A dog-leg defence and lazy tackling allowed the Hammers to pass the ball through the hands and back again for Felix to cross over! 10-24!

London Welsh came back at the Hammers, determined. A yellow card for a Jack Mooney tip tackle saw the boys holding the line with 14 but desperate defence would see them concede no more points. Strips from AB, turnovers from Smarty, ruck inspecting from Seb – heroic stuff. And when we did have the ball, we not only looked dangerous, we were dangerous, culminating in a classic 9 snipe from Will Finn to score from 30 meters out in the dying minutes.  The final score; 15-24.

Retiring the bar, the boys were left to rue what might have been had the pieces come together a little earlier in the game, but there was much promise to take away from the first match of the season.  With the next match now in Feb, all are warned – get the date in the diary, there’s Hammers Rugby to be played!

Man-of-Match: Steve Harrington, for his running, aggression, and because he promised he would never kick again!

Tin-Man: Felix, for his misplaced confidence in his own drop kicking ability!

All the best stories are full of adventure, intrigue and a happy ending; this one is no different. So sit back, relax and let me beguile you with the tale of ‘How Rogan lost his trousers’

The wind howled and the rain raged all morning, but even the heavens submitted as the mighty Hammers arrived at the incredibly expensive looking venue for the afternoon. There was a jovial mood among the league leaders during the warm up; Lineouts were looking sharp, Ollie was slotting kicks and Rogan had successfully paid a drifter to hide his boots. By the time kick off came the Hammers were ready to reassert their authority after a close one the week before.

The first kick didn’t go exactly to plan as the wind carried it straight in to touch. From the scrum back on halfway Irish kicked forward to give Hammers a lineout on their own 22. A good take and set maul saw Hammers march on a good 10m before Dugdale, using some sort of forbidden witchcraft, appeared with ball behind the opposition and set off on a weaving run eventually being stopped in the opposition 22. Great support from Hammers saw another 2 phases before a side entry into the ruck on the opposite wing gave Irish the turnover. An exciting start to the game, but that was all the excitement to be seen for the next 20 minutes or so.

Both sides exchanged some heavy clashes in the midfield with neither side really gaining the upper hand. Strong carries from the Hammers forwards and some excellent crash balls from the hard working Maddigan in the centre put pressure on the Irish defence but unfortunately most plays eventually broke down with a knock on or a forward pass. The period did, however, take a hard toll on the home side who lost their centre and hooker to injury as well as several others picking up knocks.

Late in the half the deadlock was finally about to break. A scrum on the right hand side just outside the opposition 22 was followed by an 8 12 strike move that saw the enigma that is Joe Carolan carve through the line and make light work of the full back to score under the posts. He promptly added the 2 with the conversion.

A good take from the restart and a strong platform from the Hammers forwards allowed the backs to immediately break the line again. Deep In the opposition half Carolan and Dugdale faced a 2 on 1 with the fullback. However, it was now time for Dugdale to pay the price for his use of Witchcraft earlier in the game as an ill-timed glance at the winger meant he couldn’t quite take Carolan’s pass and the opportunity went begging.

A little later a well-placed kick into the corner saw Irish carry the ball over their own line and Hammers had a scrum on the opposition 5. Hammers couldn’t quite get over the line but did win a penalty in front of the posts that Carolan was all too happy to use to add 3 more points to his ever growing tally.

Following the restart, Hammers gave away a penalty trying to play out of their own 22. The Irish kicker was told to go for the sticks but took it slightly too literally and the ball bounced off the upright and straight into the hands of Dugdale. Hammers got just outside the 22 before knocking on again and giving Irish the scrum. A strong scrum from Irish put them on the front foot and as they played wide their centre managed to slip a tackle and go over for the first points for the home team. This time the Irish kicker managed to convert for the extra 2. Half time with the score 10-7 to Hammers.

The second half opened with a great take from debutant Zak followed by a clearance from Carolan that took play back up to half way. 2 penalties later and Irish had a lineout on the hammer’s 5. The

maul was well defended but Irish played into the middle of the field, their play eventually ending with a knock on in front of the posts. The Danger wasn’t over for Hammers though as a scrum penalty led to an Irish scrum in the same position. Irish capitalized on this and eventually got over the line during the ensuing pick and goes that followed their scrum. Irish added the 2 and brought the score to 14-10 Irish.

The classic and well deserved angry pep talk under the posts from Jacko saw Hammers fly back up the field immediately after the restart forcing a lineout in the opposition 22. Great pressure from the Hammers forwards forced another line out, this time for Hammers. A well-executed catch and drive saw Spicer fall over the line in the corner. The kick proving just too difficult left the score at 15-14 to Hammers.

Following the restart, Hammers cleared their 22 with an excellent kick chase and some aggressive defending leading to a penalty on the half way line. The kick to the corner was followed by some strong forward carries before the ball was released to the backs who couldn’t quite finish the move and Irish were given a penalty to clear their lines.

Irish, through another penalty, took the ball up to the Hammers 10m line but a superb steal in the lineout put Hammers back in the driving seat. A great carry from Steve John led to a penalty for Hammers who promptly put the ball in the corner. A few phases later Zak was almost decapitated in the tackle and Irish were given a yella card, I can’t spek! Another fantastic catch and drive at the lineout saw Ed Wynne claim the second forward try of the day. Again the kick from the corner proving too much and the score became 20-14 to Hammers.

Another well-handled restart took the ball back up to halfway where eventually Irish won a scrum. Another scrum penalty saw Irish tap and go, carrying up to the 10m line and attempt to play wide. A late tackle on the opposition 10 by Pete Clarke received retaliation form the aforementioned 10 in the form of a school boy classic; the old kick the foot and trip him up while he walks away. Pete of course milked this savage attack with an acting prowess Harty would be proud of, alas to no avail as Irish were promptly awarded a penalty for the late tackle. Irish missed their shot at goal and the game was restated with a 22m dropout.

More strong defence from Hammers resulted in a scrum and a break up the wing via MC ‘Mutton Chops’ Cloud. He made it all the way to the 22 before taking a huge hit from a blade of grass. A quick pick and go from the man with the strongest beard in the club was followed by the most perfectly timed, well executed and glorious offload ever seen to young Dugdale who dived over the line! However the sirens blared as the ‘Anti Joue Police’ called a forward pass.

Irish cleared their lines but another excellent lineout from the Hammers forwards took them back into the 22. Pressure built through several phases of hard forwards carries and eventually led to Josh Smith sneaking over in the corner. This time Carolan managed to get the extras. 27-14 Hammers. The third forward try of the day led a certain Prince Charming and master author to comment how ‘unhammerly’ we were being.

It was Irish’s turn to over kick the restart and Hammers got the scrum back on the centre spot. Hammers kicked into the corner and with a fantastic chase forced the penalty right on the opposition 5m. A textbook Bulls call and a quick joker saw Carolan stroll over for his second of the day. He unfortunately couldn’t convert his own try and the score became 32-14.

Both sets of backs then felt the need for a quick game of kick tennis for the last few minutes, which resulted in a penalty to Hammers. Hammers executed a line out strike move straight off the training

ground but Spicer was stopped just short of the line. A loose pass rolled into to touch and the final whistle blew. 32-14, another 5 point win for Hammers who continue their perfect run at the top of the league.

And if you’re wondering what happened to Rogan’s trousers… well so is he. I can offer you one piece of advice though; never ever trust Dr…Steve..John

A villain themed Hammerwe’en, a first versus second league game, a sold-out crowd. It sounded too good to be true, it sounded like a recipe for too much fun. The top of the table clash in England’s most prolific league, Regional 2 Thames produced yet another epic encounter that would live long in the memory of the Hammers faithful. The subsequent celebrations would not. With seven bonus point wins, Hammersmith & Fulham were strong favourites but knew that a 117-point win for Old Priorians would leave them in second place.

Going into the game, the OP’s were sitting on 35 points, with six wins and one loss, and their detailed match previews, pitch-side interviews, post-match reports and weekly league summaries showed, at least, the statistical power and research capabilities of the reformed club. But they would need more than good journalism to overcome the awakening dynasty that Hammersmith had forged at the Hurlingham fortress, unbeaten in 261 days at home.

The morning of Saturday 29^th October. A decidedly autumnal day, the sun hanging in an eerie haze of clouds and smog bathed the hallowed grounds of SW6 in piercing rays of sunlight. The date added an air of mystery to the occasion with the Hammers hoping to bury the skeletons of another fateful clash last year.

The Twisters’ travelling fans had clearly got the Hammerwe’en memo and assembled an array of animated Australians, vociferously villainous. The journey down the A40 had already left them in high spirits as they quickly latched onto a fellow Aussie, heckling a certain Honey badger without hesitation.

Once the game kicked off, it was evident that both teams should have worn gloves before the game because it took several scrums to warm the hands up. Brief exchanges of rugby were played between these breaks in play before another villain turned up in the form of the Hammers discipline, a constant thorn in the side of Jacko’s squad this season. Due to their mineral deficiency, the away side opted to take the three points and slotted a penalty for an early lead. 0 – 3. However, their lead did not last long, three phases to be exact, as the Fairy Godmother danced his way through the outside backs of the opposition to offload to the omnipresent Matt Killeen. Joe Carolan missed conversion. 5 – 3.

On the side-lines, Social Sec Rich Vaughan, taking a day off from beating cancer, haunted the Old Priorian backline from minute one with a costume perfectly describing the OPs flyhalf. Instead of making pencils vanish, Rich decided to make pints disappear and performed the trick several times during the opening ten minutes, each as entertaining as the last.

Former Hammers hero and Vice-President Andrew Rogan became the latest villain after his scrummaging was questioned and his brief interaction with the referee had the home side walking back ten metres. Rogan responded with some harmless French but unfortunately it was lost in translation, and he received a slice of cheese for dissent. A man down and in their own 22, the Hammers team ought to buy defensive coach Swaino a pint. His drills manifested in a mutinous defensive set resulting in a turnover, followed by a wind-assisted 50 – 22 attacking kick from Ross Anderson left Hammersmith with a lineout in the opposition 22.

After one of the cutest streakers Hurlingham park has ever seen and the cocker-spaniel was safely returned to its slightly embarrassed owner, the OP’s surged forwards with direct running and crisp passing. There was trickery involved in their next try as a backrow juggled the ball forward and sideways. This illusion dumbfounded the Hammers defence and a smart off-load led to a try through the middle. Missed conversion, 5 – 8.

Hammersmith & Fulham fought back with clever kicks and strong set-plays gaining territory fast culminating in lineout on OP’s five-metre line. Continuing his rich vein of form, the insatiable Matt Killeen scored his 17^th try of the season through a clever reverse move engineered by the wand of the Weaver and quick hands from Ed Haynes. Carolan conversion, 12 – 8.

A slow start to the second half forced the fullbacks into a game of rugby tennis with neither team gaining an advantage. By this stage both teams were hitting hard and tackler harder, Tim Russell forgot he could step and bulldozed his opposite number to the delight of the crowd. With all the grace and guile of his Hammerwe’en costume, Ed ‘Waluigi’ Haynes head-butted Matt Killeen, probably hoping to see Dr. Steve John later at A&E. Both received attention on the side-lines with only the flying winger returning to play.

Without our sturdy flanker turned centre, Old Priorians capitalised and scored a driving maul that was converted to leave the score, 12 – 15 after 50 minutes. But anything that the Twisters can do, the Hammers do as well with Zander ‘No Naked Lap’ Stephens scoring off a similar move. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 17 – 15. A dislocated shoulder for Matt Killeen should allow the rest of the country to catch up with his try-scoring exploits but we wish him well and a speedy recovery.

In character, Rich Vaughan quipped “Nobody panics when things go “according to plan”. Even if the plan is horrifying!”. The plan: 21 phases in the opposition 22. The Hammers had trained for this but had never gotten past three phases without Matt Killeen scoring. Without their try-scoring talisman, the task seemed daunting, and they were in unfamiliar territory. Ross Anderson was glad of his connection to his costume choice for the evening. The red tree, so often a villain on Tuesday and Thursday training, became the saviour in a stoic twenty minutes. Running back and forth between rucks, he kept the forwards well fed by repeatedly putting the ball on a plate for them as the phase count continued to rise. Similar to a lager-beer in the Wolfpack on a dark and drizzly night, the backline was too flat and lacked the creativity to utilise the prolonged possession.

The Proctor’s pack took it upon themselves to propel the team towards the try-line. Ed Wynne, Josh Smith, and Ricky Drewitt led relentlessly, levelling any poor soul in their way; Steve John and Tom Proctor hunted like a pack of dogs clearing ruck after ruck. Why only have one Alex in the second row when you can have two? Huge carries from Harty and Spice drove the Hammers forward, but Carolan’s cohort were unable to breach an impressive Old Priorian defence.

After being told to cut his hair and tie his shoelaces back up by the avid away fans, the extremely very pacy Tim Russell dotted down in the corner after slick hands from J-Lo and Marshall McCleod. Credit to DJ MC-Cloud for assisting the bonus point try, which he later recollected in great detail at the Temperance as everyone, bar the kitchen staff were told. Joe Carolan missed conversion, 22 – 15.

Ross Anderson finished the game with a kick to touch to seal an emphatic win, confirming to the league that no one is safe in Hammersmith’s march towards promotion. Leading points scorer in the country, Joe Carolan increased his advantage by only scoring two points.

Final Score: 22 – 15

Scorers:

Matt Killeen x2

Zander Stephens

Tim Russell

Conversions:

Joe Carolan x1