This Saturday, 5th April, isn’t just any old day, it’s Old Hams Day! Yes, our last game of the 2024/25 season and we are going out with a bang, with a BBQ, Bar, and huge game against Brighton Rugby Club who are fighting against relegation! And with our under 15s playing a curtain raiser and our mighty 3s defending Fortress Hurlingham, where else would you rather be?
Come down and get involved!
They say pressure makes diamonds, but on Saturday 8th March, it mostly made a group of red-and-white-clad lunatics wonder if they were ever going to make it to the pitch. With survival on the line, Hammersmith & Fulham faced Tunbridge Wells knowing that a bonus point win would keep them at Level 5 for another season. But before we could even think about the match, we had to survive the journey there…
A straightforward away trip? Not on our bus driver’s watch. What should have been a simple bus trip along mainly the M25, turned into a sightseeing tour of the Kent countryside, as our driver seemingly swore a personal oath to avoid all main roads at any cost. With every winding lane, unexpected detour and bursting bladder, our warm-up time dwindled and by the time we finally arrived – just 45 minutes before kick-off – our legs were as stiff as the opposition’s defence. The journey was shaky, our performance was anything but. Running on adrenaline, frustration, and the sheer terror of having to commit to a bar crawl around Tunbridge Wells after losing, Hammers dug deep, threw everything at it, and secured another year at Level 5 in style.
Fate has a funny way of scripting rugby matches, and on this occasion, it decided to throw in a Hollywood-style subplot. This was the last dance for our very own Sam Seymour, who is swapping the muddy pitches of England for the land of oversized sodas and unsolicited “Let’s go, Chad” chants. But before he jets off to the USA, he had one final score to settle – because, as if by divine comedy, our opponents were none other than his old club, Tunbridge Wells. With the kind of emotional turmoil usually reserved for reality TV, he spent 80 minutes tearing into his former teammates like they still owed him a plane tickets worth of fines. Proving that while he may be America-bound, his loyalty (for one last game at least) was firmly with the men in red. Safe travels, mate – just don’t start calling it football.
Kick-off – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch. Scott van Berckel, who had dusted off his old hooker’s jersey for a nostalgic cameo while Dan Hostetler was still somewhere over the English Channel, presumably regretting that last après-ski Aperol Spritz. The throw was on the money straight into Seb Rivett’s hands and within moments, Timmy Russell and Marcus McNeil were charging through Tunbridge defenders like they were trying to catch the rush hour tube home. A little nudge from Joe Carolan forced the opposition full-back into panic mode, and his clearance kick was as well-placed as our bus driver’s route that morning. With an attacking lineout just 15 meters out, we had our chance. The Tunbridge pack defended the maul well, forcing us to rethink, but one brutal crash from Eoin Baker gave us the perfect platform to go wide, where Timmy Russell finished what he started, diving over in the corner for the opening score. Carolan slotting the kick from about as wide as a conversion could be taken. Hammers up, Hostetler still MIA, and the perfect start to a survival showdown.
Kickoff again – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch, wait – no, sorry – Marshall MacLeod decided to take quickly. Catching the opposition off guard (and some of his own teammates), Hammers were once again on the front foot. Before we knew it, we had another attacking lineout in the same spot. It was like Deja-Vu, you can just go back and re-read the previous paragraph to see how the buildup unfolded. However, this time seeing his name in lights and thinking of his next social media post, Ben Dugdale decided to crash over the line himself, leaving Timmy Russell outside him with his hands as empty as if Dugdale had just nicked his pint. Carolan kicked the conversion, yeah yeah same story boring….
Kickoff again – this time a little scrappier, and we were giving Tunbridge a chance to show off their attacking flair. However, just as we thought things were getting a bit too dicey, Seymour stepped in with a clearance kick so well-executed it probably deserves a spot in an instructional video somewhere. Suddenly it was Tunbridge who found themselves with an attacking lineout. They took it cleanly, but as fate would have it, their next move was to run straight into Seymour, who pinched the ball out of their hands with the kind of precision that could only be matched by a Swiss watch. Josh AA swooped in, picked up the loose ball, and proceeded to flatten two Tunbridge defenders like they were just speed bumps on his road to glory. After a 40-meter sprint he found himself with a 2-on-1 against the Tunbridge full-back. Would he do his best Ben Dugdale impression? No – instead selflessly passing to Timmy Russell, who scampered in for his second under the sticks. Carolan converts again yada yada yada…
Bloody hell – 12 minutes played and Hammers are up 21 points to zip. Maybe we should arrive 45 minutes before kick-off every week.
The next 20 minutes were a bit more like your average rugby game – Hammers, seemingly catching their breath and Tunbridge finally realising they were in a game. It was all Tunbridge, battering our line like it was the high street in Maidstone on market day – plenty of hustle, but no way through. Then, with an attacking scrum on our 5-meter line, on came Dan Hostetler. With his plane finally landed, he stepped onto the pitch like a man who’d just received a “Steady the ship” memo. For the next 15 minutes, we defended like our lives depended on it, with Steve John and Seb Rivett delivering a masterclass on disciplined yet aggressive defence. After what felt like an eternity parked on our try line, Tunbridge finally found their opening and snuck over for their first points of the match. Tunbridge 7 : 21 Hammers.
This time, it was Tunbridge’s turn for a little déjà vu. Camped in our 22 again for the next 10 minutes, they threw everything at us in the hopes of getting their second score. But it seemed the Hammers Defence had been switched to “brick wall mode.” Tunbridge knocked it on, and Hammers had possession of the ball with a scrum on their own 22-meter line. A scrummaging effort from Rogan & Poulton, boots locked into the ground and sights firmly set on not moving an inch, the ball went in, the ball came out, and after 1, 2, 3 slick passes, it ended up in Timmy Russell’s hands. A man on a mission, he went from one 22 to the other. The Tunbridge full-back managed to drag him down, however just as the signs of relief echoed from the home fans, he popped the ball up to his flatmate, Marshall MacLeod, who jogged in under the sticks for a Hammers bonus-point try. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carolan converts. A brutal end to the half for Tunbridge who found themselves 28 – 7 down at the halfway mark.
The second half kicked off with the same energy as the first, except this time, the scoreboard operators had a quiet few minutes, able to enjoy their touchline pints. Hammers won a penalty and instead of looking for a lineout, decided on 3 points – though some spectators (who may or may not have had a few too many pre-match pints) questioned whether it passed through the posts or just around them.
Once again, it was all Tunbridge, camped on our try line like a group of scouts settling in for a long night of roasting marshmallows. However, just when it looked like we might have to pitch our own tent under the posts for another post-conceding teamtalk, Joe Carolan pulled off a textbook interception (negating the need to tackle) and sent the ball down the other end of the pitch. High-tempo defence from the Hammers forced another penalty right in front of the posts, and once again, Carolan added 3 more. I’m sick of typing his name now.
Tunbridge 7 : 34 Hammers
From here on, it seemed like Hammers had already started thinking about the post-match celebrations, with one eye on the scoreboard and the other on the nearest pint. Tunbridge took advantage, scoring two tries in the space of 10 minutes, but both conversions were missed, with one even bouncing off the upright – perhaps a gentle reminder that kicking under pressure isn’t as easy as it looks. I hear the sales of ‘How to Kick a Rugby Ball 101’ spiked in the South East on Sunday morning.
Tunbridge 17 : 34 Hammers.
Was a comeback on the cards? Both sides now realising that another try for Tunbridge would give them a try bonus point, Tunbridge revisited their previous camping spot on our try line and battered away like a group of scouts at the tuck shop after realising they had run out of marshmallows. They were over! Cheers rang out from the home fans, and for a moment, Hammers looked and felt like they’d let themselves down. But wait – what’s that? A red scrum cap-bearing man (Steve John) was at the bottom of the heap of bodies on the try line, the ref signalled that the try was held up! A monumental defensive shift, and a warning to Hammers that they needed to up their game.
Even with the try saved, Hammers still couldn’t seem to get out of their own half, but their defensive resolve held firm, and the clock ran out with the final score reading 17-34. A hard-fought battle, and a victory that tee’d up the celebrations perfectly.
Super Saturday. The day when boys become men, girls become women, and English fans continue to cry into their Guinness as they suffer another year without winning Six Nations. But there was greater tyranny to conquer that day, the Battersea Ironsides.
The Bastards were feeling fresh and rested, having been deprived of rugby for three weeks, a drought that would make California jealous. The sun was out, the men were keen, and as Nugget pulled up 30 minutes to kick-off, the boys were finally ready to begin their warm-ups and take on the challenge.
As the ref’s whistle blew, and the ball was kicked off, and the Hammers began their assault. Ollie Weaver opened up the action with a crossfield kick to Josh Daydora, an omen that the jouer gods would smile on us. The Hammers began their march up pitch with strong carries from George Bradshaw and Paddy O’Toole leaving body after body in their way. After a struggle for possession in the oppo 22, the backs spin it wide to find Louis Bielle-B-, I mean, Emile Binse who dots it down for a try. Ollie’s conversion cuts through the air and sales across the crossbar. 7-0 Hammers
But this good fortune and sexy rugby play ended much like my first time, much too soon, tearful, and with all parties disappointed, as not long after the next kick-off, the Ironsides would go on to block the Hammers’ clearance kick and score a cute consolation try. 7-7
We’ve never seen Nugget do 3 pints
Soon after the next kickoff, Battersea is awarded a penalty within their own 22-metre and look to get on the front foot. Unfortunately for them, Ed Wynne and Dan Ah Kuoi stand opposite them in the next scrum. Through the power of friendship and Russell Wingfield’s moustache, the Bastards’ scrum dominates and drives back the south-of-the-river pagans. The Bastards push on through the adversity of some choice penalties. Penalties are awarded back-and-forth with both teams jockeying for possession within each other’s 22-meter lines. The omnipresent Jack McGregor and Dan Perry are everywhere in open defensive play, dropping Ironsidemen with ferocious tackles.
It’s a nail-biting affair with line breaks and turnovers from both teams. Who will crack first? The Ironside 12’s ribs would answer that question as Sandy “I’m Not Gonna Fight Anyone” Duncan proceeds to send the man to the shadow realm with a spine buster of a tackle. After some short-lived argie bargie, we are back in the action with a penalty awarded to Ironside. The Bastards are marched back the standard 20 metres given after a penalty, where the Ironsides would convert a penalty kick. 10-7 Ironsides
After the next kickoff, the teams were at a stalemate with clearance kick after clearance kick from both sides. It’s a battle of titans as the evenly matched teams continue to turn the ball over from each other, but fail to finish. Andrew Martin, a Hammer who doesn’t have that problem, delivers some thunderous tackles and carries in the 13 channel to get the boys upfield. The Bastards spill the ball forward to the Ironsides, but fortunately, George can poach every ball within 10 meters of him and would proceed to put this skill on display. Finally, an opportunity presents itself as Emile breaks the line in open play to find Dylan Bilski, Josh and Sam Nursey on an overlap. The good guys’ deliver some crafty off-loading that would lead to Sam scoring the team’s second try of the day. With the conversion sailing wide, the men go into halftime up 15-10
The Hammers begin the second half with a kick chase that has Sam take the ball in the air like an AFL superstar, only to be rewarded with an interesting penalty to the Ironsides. The joy of the Ironsides is short-lived as George proceeds to win yet another penalty in the ruck (I’ve lost count at this point). After a reasonable and forgivable four penalties within the Ironsides 5-metre line, the Hammers decide to extend the lead with a penalty kick from Ollie. 18-10 Hammers
Deja Vu strikes and the Ironsides find themselves scoring directly after the Hammers again. This time the Irsonsides score through a line out trick play involving a lead blocker. An interesting choice of tactic. As they say, “ball don’t lie”, and the conversion sails wide right. 18-15 Hammers
Soon after the next kick-off, the Bastards find themselves within striking distance in the left corner after winning a much-deserved penalty. “What do we think?”, Jack asks the group of feral forwards. A leaning Ed, with hands on his thighs, looks up through his eyebrows with a shit-eating grin and whispers, “It’s maulin’ time”. We’re so back. With a dart that would make Luke Littler cry, Paddy hits a soaring George, and the boys push on for the try line. Our friendly neighbourhood forward, Sandy, proceeds to join the crushing maul and score. 25-15 Hammers
Not to be outdone, shortly after the next kickoff, the Ironsides plagiarise the entire sequence of the Hammers, catchphrase and all, and dot a maul down in the right corner (sans conversion). 25-22 Hammers
The pain would continue for the Hammers as, in the next phase of open play, the Ironside 9 would proceed to run around the entire defensive line and offload to his teammate for an 80-metre try. 25-27 Hammers
In the proceeding kickoff, Valerio “The Italian Stallion” Marcantongini and Lucas Sopher delivered some punishing hits as the Hammers looked to get back over the line again. With a penalty won through Alfie Thelwell’s textbook shithousery, a maul try looked all but certain. Unfortunately, the Hammers could not reach the promised land and the Ironsides were awarded a penalty in their 5-metre. As is normal with a penalty in the laws of the game, the Hammers were marched back 20 metres.
The Hammers would not be deterred and were determined to continue their strong defensive efforts, delivering hit after hit. The Ironsides proceed to attempt a 50-22, which fails miserably. The Hammers attempt a 50-22 of their own, but unfortunately, the ball bounces 5 metres within the opposite 22 and the Ironsides regain possession. It becomes a story of 50-22 attempts as the Ironside 9 delivers a successful 50-22 of his own, giving the Ironsides a chance to put the Bastards away for good. The Bastards do not relent and hold strong, preventing any chance of a maul try and winning a penalty in open play. The clearance from Ollie is kept in-bounds by the oppo 6 and the Ironsides are awarded a generous high tackle penalty. The Ironsides maul to kill whatever time remains and eventually kick the ball in touch. It’s so over.
Final Score – Hammersmith 25 – 27 Battersea
As the agony of defeat set in, the boys regrouped and shared pride in their efforts. The Bastards felt back. The Bastards would go on to convene at Temperance and then Belushi’s to drink, and I’m not exaggerating, one millions beers. The bastards return against Belsize Park next week. Who doesn’t love a sequel. Tune in, and get keen.
MOTM – George Bradshaw, this man was literally everywhere except the pub after 10pm
DOTD – Nugget, I’ve never seen him chop 3 pints
Try Scorers – Sandy Duncan (1), Sam Nursey (1), Emile Binse (1)
Penalties – Ollie Weaver (1)
Conversions – Ollie Weaver (2)
Old Alleynians came to Hurlingham park sat just one place above Hammers in the league, but with some very impressive results in their first season at Level 5, not least their comfortable home win against the Hammers before Christmas, which showed them to be a well-drilled and hard-carrying attacking outfit with a solid defence to boot. Hammers knew that they were within one victory of securing their place in the league next season, whilst OAs are within reach of a commendable top half finish.
The game kicked off and for the first ten minutes the action was largely in Hammers half as we were hard put to it and under pressure. Eventually a line break for OAs down the left led to some desperate last ditch defending, and star winger and player of the season contender Timmy Russell decided he was sick of sampling meat pies every week and wanted a nice fat slice of cheddar instead. He stuck a hand out at the back of ruck to deliberately knock the ball down and received a yellow card for cynical foul play, trotting off for a breather after barely breaking a sweat.
OAs went to the corner but some rugged maul defence from our forward pack held them up over the line to give hammers a reprieve. Unfortunately Sam Seymour’s (another player of the season contender if there ever was one) goal line drop kick dribbled along and barely cleared the 22 so the respite was brief. After some patient and tidy attack OAs crashed over and converted to lead 7-0.
The next ten minutes were spent between the 22s with some territorial play and a spot of kick tennis. Eventually OAs gained the upper hand and had a lineout in the Hammers 22. Their maul was rumbling along nicely and a second score looked inevitable before the OAs hooker spotted a white streak beneath him and fell to the floor, but had mistaken the 5m for the tryline and was well short of his mark. Instant dick of the day, made worse when Jackler Supreme Sam Seymour pounced on the idiot and won a penalty for the Hammers. Unfortunately we failed to manufacture a clean exit from our territory, and were back in our 22 under pressure just a few phases later. This pressure resulted in a penalty just left of the post, but OAs kicker on an otherwise flawless day out missed this sitter. A missed pen, a held up try, and a try over the 5m meant that hammers could consider themselves fortunate to have weathered this early storm with only a 7 point deficit to show for it.
From the 22 drop out after the missed pen, with his earlier effort no doubt front of mind, the Eversharp Senor Seymour took a short drop out to himself to regain possession for Hammers. A penalty for a late tackle gave hammers excellent field position, and Captain Tom went to a sneaky lineout move that has very much become a banker for the hammers in these last few weeks. The move goes as follows: [REDACTED]. Games are won and lost on those top two inches. Joe ‘Los Cojones Dorados’ Carolan converted and it was 7-7 after 15 minutes.
Hammers had woken up and were looking much more fluent. Eoin Baker, of Cornwall, and Josh Asafu-Adjaye, of munchkinland, led the way with strong carrying and linked up to put Eoin clear through with a Dugdale on his shoulder and only the full back to beat but was pulled back as the ref had accidentally obstructed an OAs defender.
We gained field position through back to back breakdown infringements from OAs, before some patient attack and building through the phases gave an opportunity for Sam to link up down the blindside with a Dugdale, (likely Ben), before the ball was offloaded to Timmy, who decided he rather preferred meat pies to cheddar and finished nicely in the corner. Joe slotted the conversion to make it 14-7.
Following the restart hammers cleared well but found themselves very much asleep at the wheel in the kick chase. Eeeeeeeeoin Baker chased well and tackled his man into touch, during which time the OAs lad through an ambitious round the back offload which may have strayed a few yards forward. Unfortunately no refs whistle was forthcoming and the only player in the vicinity to keep playing was the OAs scrum half, who collected nicely for a clean break before dishing infield for a simple score. Converted to make it 14-14.
More bad news for Hammers at the restart. Little Josh AA chased hard with his eyes on the ball, but unfortunately did not rise as high as the OAs catcher (how could the lad, he’s knee high to a daisy). He accidentally took out the receiver in the air, and saw yellow for it.
From the penalty kick to touch, Seb ‘the padlock’ Rivet was an absolute nuisance in the OAs maul, forcing them to get the ball out and a poor kick from the OAs flyhalf went straight down Timmy’s throat. After beating two defenders, he returned the kick with interest and chased hard to force OAs to touch down behind their line for a Hammers scrum 5m out.
A slick backs move straight from the training paddock gave Joe Carolan a half gap, as defenders rushed to meet him he threw a lovely long ball to Max Dugdale who splashed down in the corner. Conversion missed, 19-14 at half time.
The second half started cagily, eventually those two recurring Hammers demons raised their ugly heads once more: silly offloads and poor discipline. This gave OAs territory and possession and their well-drilled attack worked through the phases before scoring off a good forward carry off 9.
Errors were compounded as immediately after kickoff OAs kicked the ball to the hammers backfield where some sloppy passing saw the ball go to deck to be collected by the OAs chaser who scored under the sticks.
Suddenly hammers were 19-28 down.
A better restart followed and Hammers showed some life. A strong defensive set resulted in some kick tennis, and the remarkable sight of veteran prop Andrew Rogan finding himself in backfield, taking a clean catch before distributing to Ben Dugdale. Strong carries again from Eoin, Josh, and number 8 Steve John gave hammers ascendancy before another loose offload turned over possession and OAs went haring up the field. A classic Joe Carolan rip turnover gave a slight reprieve but the clearing kick didn’t go far. Again with territory and possession OAs showed how clinical they can be, stretching the hammers defence off first phase before a series of good forward carries gave their 9 multiple runners to pick from and he didn’t miss, finding their number 8 and eventual man of the match, who scored under the sticks.
19-35
After this the game opened up a bit and both sides played rather helter skelter. A trademark jackal in midfield from flyhalf Mackerel McDoogle followed by a quick tap penalty and some nice hands took Hammers up to the OAs 5m, but unfortunate the support was not there quickly enough and OAs won the penalty at the breakdown. A bit of lip from a Hammer resulted in the ref marching a further 10m and the OAs could get well clear of any danger.
At the lineout Seb Rivet did his best Mr Fantastic impression, reaching up for a glorious lineout steal and then Steve John set off on a rampaging carry to take us into the 22. Hammers stringed a few phases together nicely, before Ben Dugdale beat multiple defenders to finish nicely in the corner.
24-35
The score went unchanged for the final 10 mins despite hammers best efforts to secure a second bonus point. Ultimately a competitive match and a reasonable performance from the men in red. OAs are a strong outfit and good addition to the league and the 3 unanswered tries at the beginning of the second half were the difference between the sides.
Motm: Steve John for a remarkable ‘double double’ of 13 tackles and 10 carries in a real all action display. Special mention to SvB who achieved the elusive ‘double double’, and club captain Jonesy for ably stepping up to the first XV when the call for props came.
With a bus trip on the cards, it was an early start for the Hammers lads, meeting nice and early at the 8 Bells, their home away from home. Everything was pointing to a great day of rugby, with conditions looking exceptional and morale at an all time high coming off the back of a huge win against Camberley. Alas, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
Maidenhead, a formidable place to go, was the venue of the day, with their Rugby-come-hockey pitch being the surface that the 3pm battle would occur on. The Hammers lads knew that they would be challenged today, as Maidenhead have turned their home ground into somewhat of a fortress, playing the surface well and beating top half challengers Old Alleynians and Bracknell there most recently.
The game starts very much as expected, with both teams carrying well and tackling hard, with Dan Hostetler putting in some big hits against his former club. After some time, Hammers make a great break through midfield and send a kick deep into the Maidenhead half, alleviating the intense early pressure that Maidenhead have been applying. Maidenhead defended some Hammers phases well and make an excellent clearing kick to near the halfway.
Maidenhead steal the lineout and win a penalty almost immediately after sending the ball just inside the Hammers half for an attacking lineout. A big carry from the Maidenhead pack off their 10 is unsurprisingly dealt with by Marcus McNeil, who (shock horror) makes a fantastic chop tackle. His first of 2 in 3 phases. Unfortunately Hammers stray offside, allowing Maidenhead to send the ball deep into the Hammers 22 for an attacking lineout.
Maidenhead execute the lineout well and steamroll towards the Hammers line. The maul is brought down right on the line and the referee has no choice but to yellow card Scott van Berckel and give a penalty try. The first of 3 cards for Hammers on the day. No conversion needed, 13 minutes gone and it’s 7-0 to Maidenhead.
In true Hammers fashion, it has taken a score to wake the boys up, and the response is immediate. Off the kick off, Maidenhead infringes directly in front of the post on their own 10-meter line, allowing Joe Carolan to step and slot the kick with ease. 15 minutes played, 7-3 to Maidenhead.
Hammers rue lost chances
The subsequent kick off doesn’t go 10, and a scrum is set on halfway. Hammers fumble the scrum and Maidenhead turn it over. The ball is sent deep into the Hammers half, applying more pressure to the Hammers, continuing the theme of the game so far. Maidenhead steal the lineout but are adjudged to have knocked it on, scrum Hammers in their own 22. A penalty to Maidenhead and they opt for another scrum – wise considering the advantage they have had thus far. A fantastic strike move off the scrum and they carve through the Hammers defence like a hot knife through butter. Kick made, 14-3 Maidenhead with 19 minutes gone.
Mere minutes pass until Hammers next chance. A penalty is sent deep into the Maidenhead half and a clever move sets a maul up at the lineout. This is well dealt with, however two subsequent phases of slick handling by the backs sends Ben Dugdale in for what is an easy but very well taken try. Kick missed, 14-8.
Thus far, it has been much like a heavyweight boxing match, with both teams landing some good blows and applying pressure, however the judges, much like the scoreboard, would have Maidenhead up so far. After some good phases by both teams Hammers finally manage to keep the ball for a few phases and a smooth offload to Tim Russell sends him charging into the Maidenhead half. Some positive carries lead to a Hammers penalty which is taken quickly by Sam Seymour, who darts through making even more yards, taking Hammers to the Maidenhead 22.
Another penalty, and Hammers send the ball to the corner, some 10 metres out from the Maidenhead line. The maul is expertly defended; however, a penalty is given away at a ruck just after. Here is the first of two absolute brain fades from Hammers in the game. Rather than send the ball to the corner, take the points, tap and go, or even take a scrum; Marshall sends a cross-field kick over to Dugdale, who despite his biggest leap is beaten to it by a winger who must be around a foot taller than him. The Maidenhead commentary sum it well with shout of “you do not do that” in harmony with a “f***ing hell” from the Hammers touchline.
After some more back and forth, Hammers get a lineout just outside the Maidenhead 22, which Dan sends zipping to the back. The ball is well taken by Seb Rivett, and distributed out to what we think…is that is Josh AA? However the Veo is fairly zoomed out and he is very small, so it is hard to tell. I will presume it is him as some good yards are made and it has taken two people to tackle him. Hammers play two more phases before Marshall pops a lovely pass up for Tim Russell who must have taken Salsa classes in Costa Rica as he dances through the Maidenhead defence under the sticks. Easy kick for Carolan, 14-15 Hammers.
The second half starts, with both teams evenly matched and the game set up for another relentless half. It is relatively even until a handling error by the Maidenhead prop falls directly into the hands of Josh AA. He crashes through two Maidenhead players and gets a great offload away some 20 meters up the pitch, sending Hammers deep into the Maidenhead 22. I do have to check the playback speed is not set to 0.5x at this point though, as he seems to be running in slow motion. Some good phases result in a penalty being awarded, which is made by Carolan. 14-18 Hammers after 45 minutes. This is followed up by another one just 10 minute later, with the scores at 14-21 heading into the final 20 minutes.
Another 10 minutes later and Hammers, when trying to exit, give away a penalty for holding on in their own 22. Maidenhead go for the corner, however, cannot execute and Hammers win the ball back. They clear the ball well, but give another penalty away, allowing Maidenhead to this time opt for the shot of goal. An excellent kick from the 10-meter line sails over, 67 mins gone 17-21 Hammers.
In a game that has been fiercely contested so far, there is a moment of madness. Zak Underwood, wearing 19 but starting 1, is fooling no one with his attempt at a disguise. A ruck in the centre of the field is well won by Hammers, with Dan fending off his ex-team mates alongside Zak. The Maidenhead 4 comes in to disrupt the ruck, charging into Underwood. He takes a second bite, and in response Underwood charges into the impact. There is a clear clash of heads just meters from the referee, and the Maidenhead 4 has dropped to the floor. A damming picture is painted, and the ref has no other choice than to send Zak walking with a straight red. He begrudgingly walks off the pitch knowing full well he has let his team down here. Credit to Maidenhead who, in the club house after, accept the jug of beer from Underwood as penance for his sins, and handle the incident with class.
This was the beginning of the end for an already under pressure Hammersmith. After some phases Hammers, a man down, get a scrum midway into the Hammers half. Maidenhead make use of their extra man and win a penalty, sending it once again into the Hammers 22. They knock on at the line out, however they know that this does not matter as any scrum is a positive for them now. Another penalty and another scrum chosen. They spin the ball wide off the scrum but are brought down just meters from the line. The forwards take charge and pick ang go, hammering the Hammers line (if you’ll pardon the pun). Another penalty, and the hat-trick of cards for Hammersmith is shown. A yellow for Marshall for infringing at the ruck leaves Hammers defending their line with 13 men.
Unsurprisingly, Maidenhead opt for the scum. This time, no penalty is awarded, and Hammers defend the next few phases well, driving Maidenhead back several meters. The numerical advantage eventually shows as the Hammers defence gets sucked in, leaving a 4 on 2 overlap which is executed well by Maidenhead, much to the delight of the fans and commentary team. The Maidenhead 11 slots the kick, on what has been a great day for him off the boot. 77 minutes played, 24-21 Maidenhead.
Maidenhead take the kick off well and clear the ball, Hammers charge back but knock the ball on. The scrum is well won by Maidenhead. Calm heads are needed here, and Maidenhead execute some strong pick and goers despite some extremely forceful hits from the Hammers defence. The game is closed out well by Maidenhead. A tough day for Hammers, not helped by their discipline. Maidenhead, who applied all the pressure at the right times, deserve the win. Final score 24-21 Maidenhead.
MOTM – Tim Russell, not content with just being back in the team, decided to put on a show for the Maidenhead fans. What else were we to expect.
DOTD – Zak Underwood, who on a day with 3 cards for Hammers manages to take this one with ease.
In a remarkable display of grit, determination, and clinical execution, Hammersmith & Fulham pulled off a stunning victory over Camberley, getting their first W in 5 years against a team that only months before had put 72 points on the boys. The result, achieved on a bright February afternoon at Hurlingham Park, has instantly become one of the club’s most memorable days of the season so far.
How did it start? Like most games, with a kick off. And with both sides eager to make an early statement.
Camberley, the favourites, struck first after earning a lineout deep in Hammersmith & Fulham territory after a strong passage of play. The visitors executed their typical powerful driving maul to surge over the try line to give Camberley a 7-0 lead.
For Hammersmith & Fulham, flash backs of their painful 72-5 defeat away to Camberley earlier in the season started to resurface, but the underdogs weren’t about to let history repeat itself.
Hammersmith & Fulham quickly regained their composure. A strong contestible kick-off put Camberly under immediate pressure, with one of their big carriers penalised for holding on. Fly-half Marshall MacDonald responded with a brilliant quick tap-and-go, catching the Camberley defence off guard and darting over the line to score. This brought the score to 7-7, but importantly, set the tone for the wars to come.
This was a different team.
With a different mindset.
Determined to create a different result.
The boys seized the momentum. From the restart, they executed two attacking kicks that pressured Camberley and drove them deep into their own half. Camberley soon then conceded another penalty, allowing hammers to go for goal. Joe Carolan calmly slotted a penalty from 40 meters out, to take the lead. 10-7.
The home side’s defence then came under fire as Camberley mounted several attacking phases, testing Hammersmith & Fulham’s resolve. However, the hosts held firm. In a moment of brilliance, Carolan ripped the ball away from a Camberley forward – his first of three that day, not bad for a “wintered” 10 – and, after a quick clearance kick, the boys were back applying pressure in Camberley’s half.
The crowd was then treated to an electrifying moment when the tiniest player on the field, Josh AA, grabbed a step ladder, and charged down a box kick from the Camberley scrum-half, pinning the visitors further back in their own half. With Camberley on the back foot, Hammersmith & Fulham took advantage of another penalty and kicked to the corner. The Hammer forwards a.k.a The Steam Pigs executed a perfect driving maul off the lineout, Ed Wynne crashing over the line to score. Carolan’s conversion stretched the lead. 17-7.
Camberley responded with a well-worked try of their own. After several phases of solid defence from Hammersmith & Fulham, the visitors earned a scrum 5m out from the Hammers line. The visitors applied their a dominant scrum, allowing them to pick-and-go from the base and score over the try line.
The Dugdales. Same person
With the score now at 17-12, Camberley chose to return the restart via a long box kick just short of the Hammers 22. Pressure resulted, Camberley with their tails up, and Hammers were pinned in an awkward spot. Would this be the point where Hammers surrendered their lead?
Nay.
From nowhere, Sam Seymour** denoted a stunning 50:22 kick which put them inside the Camberley 22. It would prove a vital step in the path to victory, relieving pressure, and setting the Hammers up for a backs attack off the Steam Pigs powerful maul to the lineout’s tail. Hands – from Sam, to Marshall, to Joe…to a Dugdale who spots a gap in the Camberley defence and makes a brilliant break to score! Carolan’s conversion..its over! Hammersmith & Fulham a 24-12 lead going into the break.
The half-time break – the boys are elated with the score, but they’ve been here before. Not just against Camberley – 12 months before they had been winning at half-time – but the week before even, squandering their half-time lead against Wimbledon through 10 minutes of second-half madness. Would this be a repeat?
Nay.
Before Camberley were finished eating their half time oranges, the Hammers flew out of the blocks and executed a well-worked backs move off a scrum. Mackerel McDoogle fed a “flat” pass to Miles O’Connor who crossed the white line to put the Hammers on the score board in the first 3 minutes. This extended the lead to 31-12. What would the next 3 minutes bring?
Not much. The game entered a stalemate with both teams showing strong defence and attack, but neither side was broke through, the Hammers defending their territory ably but without the ball, while Camberley struggled to fight their way out of their own half.
Something had to change…and so it did when on came Hammer’s exciting new signing, Kenneth Rogan, debut. Kenneth was a game-changer for Hammersmith, making an immediate impact with his pace, agility, and smart decision-making. Off the field, his charm is just as magnetic. Women love his confidence, and his bants, while men admire his athleticism and cool demeanor. He is a great new addition to the club. Cool car, cool bikes, cool kids, Cool bloke. We’re lucky to have him.
Just being on the field saw Kenneth make an impact, with Hammersmith awarded a penalty just outside of Camberley’s 22 for Kenneth being so good looking. The skipper Tom Proctor opted to take the 3 points despite many squeaky grumbles from his very small teammate Josh AA, who wanted to kick for the corner. Joe Carolan secured the 3 points which put the hammers 3 converted tries ahead. The boys could sense that something great was happening here.
Mary MacSabbath celebrates as only he knows how.
So could Camberley. Entering Q4 of the match, Camberley’s discipline began to let them down with many penalties going in the home side’s favour, including a yellow card for dissent, allowing Hammers to gain field position in their opponents 22.
After several tight carries by the forwards, Molly McFadden sent a long loopy pass over the heads of the Camberley backline to put one of their Dugdales in for their 2nd try.
With the game effectively won, Hammersmith & Fulham switched off momentarily, allowing Camberley a final opportunity to score. The visitors mounted one last attack, making their way over the Hammersmith & Fulham try line. Fair credit to Camberley, they were chasing the bonus point and making a good go of it.
The game restarts and poor discipline puts Camberley back in the Hammers 22 as they hunt for a try. However, in the dying minutes, Joe Carolan produced another moment of brilliance, ripping the ball from a Camberley player and feeding it to either Max or Ben Dugdale. One of them sprints the full length of the field, diving under the posts for his/their third try of the match and providing the icing on the cake of an outstanding 80-minute performance by the home side.
It was a a historic victory. The final whistle blew, and the Hammersmith & Fulham players embraced, knowing they had achieved something truly special. This comprehensive 46-17 victory over Camberley, a team that had earlier humiliated them in a 72-5 defeat, was a testament to their resilience and determination. Such a victory was a statement of intent, keeping their hopes alive of staying at level 5 and moving them 6 points clear of the relegation zone. As for Camberley, they will need to regroup and come back stronger after this humbling defeat, and we look forward to seeing them again next season.
Full Time: Hammersmith & Fulham 46 – 17 Camberley
Man of the Match
Jo Carolan
Special Mentions
Probably Max Dugdale – Hattrick
Kenneth – 1st XV debut
The 2s started the game knowing the points were already secured, due to Camberley unable to field a front row. As a result the game was played as a friendly with uncontested scrums, something which received a mixed reaction from the 2s players. Especially with body shapes best described as “wintering”.
Camberley kicked off with a swirling kick, which instantly put the 2s on the back foot. A knock-on on the next phase of play did nothing to eleviate this pressure giving Camberley’s back line an early opportunity to test the 2s defence. The resulting set play came to nothing, due to some resolute defending from the Hammer’s centre partnership of Kioko Searle-Mbullu and Marcus McNeill, a common theme throughout the match.
Having weathered the early Camberley storm the 2s pack started to take control of the only contested set piece available to them, the line-out. Consecutive maul penalties moved the Hammers up to the opposition 10m despite some conservative touch finders, which were greeted with calls of “NOWHERE” from the opposition (alright then mate, you knock one into touch). Another arrow from Paddy the baddy set up a rolling maul which trundled into the Camberley 22 for the first time. Another penalty resulted, with Camberley unable to deal with the hammer’s forwards. Another nudge into the 5 and even Stevie Wonder could’ve seen what was coming. Another successful Hammers line-out was rewarded with a short push to the in-goal, and the first blood was drawn. With no discernable kicker present, the kicking duty was gleefully taken up by Ains, who to be fair to him, striped his first kick between the uprights.
7-0 to the Hammers Bastards.
Another good kick off from Camberley forced the Hammers to exit to half way. A disruptive line caused the Hammers to steal and through some good forward link up, they soon found themselves again threatening Camberley’s 22.
Camberley were full of running and looked to play with good width, running the ball back into the Hammer’s 10m from a scrum 10m off their own line. The game started to lull with handling errors from both teams making the game scrappy. probably a good thing the scrums were uncontested eh?!
However, the Hammer’s started to link some phases and the good structure and patience paid off, with Bastard-son-of-Rogan Max Hyde cutting a positively disgusting line off the Hammer’s stand-in stand-off, the second big red ball from Total Wipeout (real name Sam).
Hammers 12-0 up with a kick to come. Sadly it didn’t, as Ains put up a spiral bomb off the tee which came down just inside the 5m.
From a good Camberley kick off the Hammers coughed up the ball from another handling error. A ruck penalty, a lack of focus, and a quick tap later, Camberley were in for their first score, less than a minute after kicking off. With an unsuccessful kick though the Hammers were still a score ahead. 12-5 Hammers.
From the resulting kick-off the Hammer’s oversized Trafalgar Square Christmas bauble (Sam) kicked it out on the full, giving Camberley a chance to attack from midfield. The Hammers defensive line once again was resolute, knocking Camberley back to their own 10m.
The Hammers were the masters of their own downfall for large parts leading up to half time with many ‘nearly moments’ resulting in errors. Regardless, as well as Camberley ran the ball, the Hammers always had the answer defensively and failed to let them capitalise.
A good take under a high bomb from Man-of-the-Match Sam Nursey, was followed up by a rampaging run from Dylan Bilinski, who – running away from heartbreak – offloaded to Kioko in a neat piece of link up, which nearly saw the Hammers extend their lead.
They were made to pay though, as moments later another Camberley quick tap caught the 2s on the back foot and a rampaging run from the Camberley 8 saw them reduce the deficit to 2 with little time left on the clock.
The half ended 12-10 to the Hammers, who were frustrated the game was as close as it was, with two lapses in concentration letting a spirited Camberley side back into the game.
The Hammers kicked off the second half with the wind at their backs and positively flew out the blocks. A darting snipe from makeshift 9 Sam Smith set the platform for a pick and go which saw Hyde dive over for his second from close range. Ains made no mistake with the nudge, knowing kicking duties were being threatened to be taken off him. 19-10 Hammers.
Camberley returned the favour from the earlier kick off and didnt make 10, allowing the 2s backline to have a run at them. A mazy run from Andy Martin gave the Hammers good field position. Strong carries from Dan Ah Kuoi and Valerio Marcantognini were laying a good platform for for the hammers backs to have a go at Camberley, but to Camberley’s credit they held firm and forced errors where it mattered.
The sides traded midfield territory with both teams struggling to find any purchase in attack. The only real exception being Sam Nursey who seemed to relish the open field.
After a rough start to the second half the Hammers once again started putting some phases together. Some good ruck work from Luggage and Russell gave the Hammers quick ball to find holes in the so far resolute Camberley defence. Another good set of ‘pick and gos’ stretched Camberley’s scrambling goal line defence and Ah Kuoi dived into a welcome gap to dot down.
24-10 to the Hammers. With no Tee coming onto the field, Ains decided to try a drop goal from the 15m… Still 24-10 to the Hammers.
The next 10 minutes passed with nothing much happening. Scrappy play meant the sides exchanged penalties with Camberley probably just edging it.
The 2s needed a lift in the game, with Camberley starting to exert a little pressure. Captain Jack rallied his crew for a big 15, leading from the front with some crucial midfield defence as Camberley looked to get back into the game.
After defending their line for 10 solid minutes the reinforcements arrived from the touchline with the 1s (fresh from also beating Camberley) giving the boys a vocal lift.
A good bit of counter rucking from the back row forced the turnover the Hammer’s goal line defence deserved, allowing them to kick clear to halfway. The resulting line wasn’t straight giving the Hammers a scrum just inside their own half. A show and go line break from Clifford the big red 10 caught Camberley napping. A no-look flick out the back to Sam Smith, who then linked up with the supporting Sam Nursey via a Basketball pass, for a Sam Cubed special, showed the Hammers still had some bite. With 4 to play and territory and score board in their favour, the 2s looked to seal victory in style. Some good pressure led to a Hammers scrum 5m out. Sam Smith picked from the base and drew 2 defenders in to flick an out the back of his own to Conor McGiven who dived over, to take the Hammers lead to 29-10. The Anal-yst penetrates!
Ains, who needed a rest from kicking due to all his hard work round the park, was politely told to leave the ball alone (despite being 50% on the day). With no Tee in sight Sam Smith picked up the ball and split the sticks with a stunning off the cuff droppy.
Some tired legs came off the field after a very physical, hard fought game. The 2s can take a lot from this performance, with a huge team effort getting them a richly deserved win.
Man of the Match: Sam Nursey.
After an up and down start to 2025, the Hammers welcomed fellow southwest Londoners to Wimbledon to Hurlingham Park. With the danger of Storm Eowyn potentially looming from across the Irish Sea, it was only the combination of everyone’s favourite northern Irishman McNeil and Eee-oin on the team sheet that actually looked like causing damage on Saturday. On what was a perfect winter’s afternoon for running rugby, and following a well-fought, close opening fixture fixtures against this top-4 team, it promised to be a day that ‘these red men’ could potentially cause an upset.
This was exactly how the game began to shape up. Following some early pressure in Wimbledon territory and some hard carrying by the likes of Carolan, McNeil et al, the Hammers found themselves with a lineout 5m from the Wimbledon line. Captain Proctor gave the orders, Hostetler hits the treble 20, and after a good initial surge Dugdale snuck in the corner for the opening try of the game with the conversion to follow. How would Wimbledon respond?
Annoyingly quite well, after some unforced errors by the home side they took their opportunity well and levelled the score shortly after, 7-7 after the opening 15 minutes.
Following some ill-discipline, field position was gifted to the away side and Wimbledon applied a lot of pressure testing the Hammers defensive line, but the door was shut time and time again. The dogged defensive set being led by the most miserable hooker/back row hybrid you are likely to find (SVB) and Max Hyde’s absent father (Rogan). The men in red were struggling for a way out until the Wimbledon backline served up a googly that was well-anticipated and latched onto by Dugdale who set off for a race to the line. Being hunted down by Wimbledon defenders and not quite having the legs to go all the way, Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmand’s love child (Marshall MacCleod) appeared by his side to take it over the line and score his first of the game. Carolan inevitably converting.
Wimbledon were refusing to go away, taking 3 points when available, pushing the Hammers back into their own half and scoring off a first phase scrum play. 15-14 to the away side after half an hour. But momentum shifted when Dugdale came up trumps again, laying out the Wimbledon fly half and leaving him in a similar position to receive from one of Bangkok’s finest (for a second time). Some strong scrummaging from the pack led by Poulton, and excellent control from Yorkshire’s/Tumbridge’s finest forced Wimbledon back towards their own line providing the field position for Proctor to go into his bag of tricks at a close-range lineout. Hammers forwards enter stage left with the greatest piece of deception seen since Josh AA told a Hinge date he was over 5 foot. For some, acting wasn’t required as Bagshaw caught the ball with the same confusion on his face at every line out (he knows the calls), the forward pack setting up the maul for Hostetler to go over the line. Carolan added a penalty shortly after to give the Hammers a 22-15 lead at half time.
With the words of our own little French general ringing in our ears, the home side hoped the start of the second half would resemble the Battle of Austerlitz rather than Waterloo. Unfortunately, it would prove to be the latter.
Following some unfortunate and unforced errors, Wimbledon were able to score two quick tries to start the second half and take the lead 27-22. It was a crucial error. After a bit of foreplay in between the 22’s, and some substitutions with Dr John entering the game, the Hammers looked to respond in kind. Getting the ball just inside his own half, the Caravan mades a strong line break finds Marshal running a great support line and puts him in for his second try of the game and the conversion to follow. Our second half had now started.
Unfortunately, it did not continue in the same vain with ill-discipline and unforced errors becoming the theme. Consequently, Wimbledon scored 14 unanswered points to take their lead out to 41-29. With a victory looking unlikely this point, the Hammers rolled up their sleeves and set their sights on chasing the second bonus point. Camped on the Wimbledon line for the last 10 minutes of the game, we would not be denied. The Hammers were carrying the ball with the same disdain for the opposition as Jacob Poulton has for left-wing politics, led by the tiniest man on the pitch and our bearded leader, Josh AA. A bit of niggle off the ball from the Zak the Human Pear combined with relentless pressure saw two Wimbledon yellow cards being dealt out and the heat turned up in this proverbial Masterchef kitchen for the final few minutes. Eventually, the Wimbledon defence was breached and Carolan crossed over the whitewash, converting his own try.
As the final whistle was blown, this undoubtedly felt like an opportunity missed. 2 bonus points may well prove crucial as the end of the season rolls around, so next week demands a huge effort against Camberley at Hurlingham Park.
Hammersmith & Fulham men’s 1st XV kickstarted their 2025 campaign with a trip south into deepest darkest Sussex to face Horsham RFC. After recent struggles, this had been identified as a ‘must win’ game both for team morale and for Regional 1 South Central survival hopes. With Horsham sitting in 9th and Hammers one point below in 10th, this was destined to be a nail biter from the onset. Hammers were also looking to avenge two consecutive defeats to Horsham in previous meetings, so safe to say there was a lot riding on this result.
Arriving at Horsham’s aptly named ‘Coolhurst ground’, it was a chilly day to say the least, with temperatures barely above zero. Thanks to the 4G pitch, the fixture could go ahead despite the surrounding frozen ground. As it turned out, it would have taken more than a little frost to sway Tom Proctor’s men from the task at hand.
Now, Horsham can trace its nomenclature to being known as ‘a place of horses’, and the hosts certainly were off to the races to begin with…for despite the Hammers forwards asserting early dominance at scrum time (credit to props Rogan and Jacob Poulton), Horsham’s first try came from an unfortunate intercept off a scrum when trying to go blindside. The Horsham scrum half (who was a handful all day) plucked the ball out of the air and dashed in under the sticks from 50 metres. Horsham 7-0 Hammers, and the not the kind of reward the fuming Hammers front row expected from their efforts. Switch on boys, don’t’ let them in again!
…the Hammers let them in again.
Another almighty scrum drive from the Hammers pack curiously results in no penalty awarded, but it’s Horsham that instead breaks the line and fights their way into the Hammers half. What follows is a perfectly executed speculative cross-field kick that miraculously finds its way onto their winger’s foot – he half-volleys it forward and regathers over the line, much to the dismay of a well-positioned Hammers defence. Horsham 14-0 Hammers.
This was not the start Proctor’s men had envisaged, barely into the game and 14-0 down to the hosts. What follows is a General Patton-level directive from Proctor accompanied by a promise of great physical harm to the next player who gives away easy possession. Chastened, Hammers find their rhythm with consistent phase play and tactical kicking from halfback Ben Dugdale and halfback-turned-10 Sam Seymour. Play is soon deep in the Horsham half – a barnstorming carry by Joe ‘the Caravan’ Carolan gets him metres from the line as their opponent’s defence is properly tested. Patient forward carries follow and an impending try seems certain…but a handling error gifts Horsham possession and they exit effectively. Chance lost.
Minutes later, Horsham are awarded a penalty on halfway. Chasing 3 points, their ambitious fly-half sails the ball past the left upright – bullet dodged. Chatter on the sideline is that this player resembles a fly-half version of Hammers’ own Joe Hennigan, minus the tray of Jagerbombs.
Play continues back-and-forth across the middle of the pitch, with creative offloads in the wide channels from Marcus McNeil and Eoin Baker. A Max Dugdale grubber put the boys comfortably in Horsham territory once again (but not before he had caught the first of a few unpenalised shoulders to the face). Horsham coughs up possession and Hammers are once again attacking from 5m out. What will the boys do now…
Phases later, the ball fizzes out to Carolan who glides through a rattled Horsham defence and dots down after selling an effective dummy to the ever-threatening presence of Tim Russell on an inside line. Carolan converts his try from under the sticks and Hammers finally have a foothold. Gwon the boys! Horsham 14-7 Hammers.
Play restarts…shortly after another missed penalty from Horsham’s fly half / Hennigan’s long-lost relative keeps Hammers in the fight. After an extended period of pressure from the Horsham attack, Hammers are on the front foot again on the stroke of half time thanks to another line break from Carolan, followed by a telepathic Dugdale-to-Dugdale pass out wide (the Hammers’ twin club stalwarts even more in sync than usual on their birthday). But alas, no further points come from the first half, and the score stays at 14-7 to the hosts.
The second half begins with end-to-end rugby, keeping the players warm in the conditions. Marauding runs and mischievous kicks from Marshall MacCleod at fullback keep the Horsham defence guessing, complemented by menacing breaks from Tim Russell – making a name for himself this season as one of Regional 1 South Central’s most formidable wingers/centres. Hammers very own Ant-man Josh Asafu Adjaye carries in his usual devastating fashion whenever called upon, sending Horsham players sprawling with a mouthful of rubber pellets on numerous occasions, their body position poor from having to bend down so low.
Effective phase play and dogged defence sees momentum shift in the Hammer’s favour. Relentless tackling from Seb Rivett and Marcus McNeil proves crucial to the stability of Hammers’ defence, however Sam Seymour soon sees a yellow for a (possibly try saving) high tackle and Horsham are 3 points better off. Horsham 17-7 Hammers.
Trailing by 10 points, down to 14 men and with less than 30 minutes remaining, a win of any form is going to be no mean feat. Hammers are agonisingly close to a score when a driving maul is held up minutes later, but another penalty from the reliable boot of Carolan keeps the scoreboard ticking over. Horsham 17-10 Hammers, and the boys have steadied the ship.
The hosts are held static by a courageous Hammers defensive set and forced to box kick from their 10m line. The balls is safely gathered by Seymour who, on his return from the naughty step, returns with possibly the best 50-22 kick seen this season! Hammers line-out inside the Horsham 22!
The Hammers first port-of-call in converting territory into points? Their lethal driving maul, the catch-and-drive even sucking in parts of the Horsham back-line off the back of meters made. The ball is eventually shipped wide to the backs who performed a signature training ground move to put Russell over in the corner! A well-deserved score. Carolan once again converts from out wide and the scores are finally level. Perhaps the man really did have ice in his veins on this frosty day…Horsham 17-17 Hammers, and the game is on!
Now is the time to be clinical and ruthless, as it would not be far-fetched to say that Hammers’ season is hanging in the balance here. Don’t give away any penalties boys!
…the Hammers give away a penalty, and the worst kind. A 75th minute Horsham penalty right in front of the posts thanks to a Jacob Poulton-high tackle that not only gives the Hammers tighthead the chance to spend the rest of the game liking Nigel Farage tweets from sideline, but also the home team a slim advantage when the Horsham kicker finally slots the penalty from right in front. Horsham 20-17 Hammers, with 3 minutes to go.
Step up Seymour. The boys need the ball back from the kick off – what will you do? A short, catchable kick-off for the boys to scoop up?
Nay. Deep and long, says Sam. A banana kick, right inside their 22, into the waiting hands of thei…oh he’s dropped it! The Horsham player has dropped it! Scrum inside their 22. Two minutes go!
The scrum is won. The red men launch a barrage of red zone phases inside the Horsham 22, with relentless forward carries from Proctor & Co getting to within metres of the try line opposite the posts. Horsham’s defence is split and options are on both sides…
…the ball is released wide and…
….its in the hands of 10-turned-winger Max Dugdale...who goes over untouched in the left corner to score the likely winner! From a rugby player’s perspective, birthday presents don’t get much better than that! Carolan adds the extras and now the win was in the offering – 30 seconds to go! Horsham 20-24 Hammers – just catch the restart boys and kick it out!
…the Hammers do not catch the restart. Instead, Horsham regathers but injures himself in the process and the referee calls a halt. A scrum…yet it is the Hammers are penalised!? Horsham kicks to the corner, and now its a Horsham maul in the offing…
Up steps – no, up jumps – Tom Proctor in the final play, the Hammers talisman captain and workhorse stealing the Horsham lineout inside Hammers’ 22. Kick it out boys!!!
…the boys do not kick it out. Instead, Josh AA pulls on his size 3 boots and gallops 20 metres upfield after picking up Gregor’s pass. He’s tacked – condolences to the injured Horsham player whose shin Josh happened to headbutt on his way through – and this time, Carolan puts boot to ball that sails past the floodlights into the darkening winter sky to seal the victory. FULL TIME Horsham 20-24 Hammers!
Emphatic celebrations ensued as players experienced a powerful mix of relief and reward. Man-of-the-match goes to Yorkshire’s finest Sam Seymour for a controlling all round performance at 10 in such a significant game. This was a crucial win after what has been a tough season so far, their second at Level 5. Hammers move to 9th in the league and can look forward to another opportunity to climb the table when they face Wimbledon at fortress Hurlingham on Saturday 11th January.
Hammersmith & Fulham, the Hammers, the men-in-red, the boys from SW6, travelled away out of the environs of London further to the south west, to face Bracknell, a road trip that was undertaken while the winds and the rains of storm Darragh ravaged much of the British mainland.
Undeterred, the men in red set out upon their voyage to claim a victory against an opponent sitting just above them in the league table. Buoyed from a resounding victory against a tough Tunbridge Wells side, the Hammers travelled to Bracknell looking to make it back to back wins for the first time this season, to lay down a marker that the domination displayed against Tunbridge was no mere flash-in-the pan, but a true marker of this team’s capabilities.
There was some slight changes to the line-up, with Harry Scarr unavailable due to exertions the previous week against Tunbridge, but Eoin Baker was a welcome return to the side after missing the victory against Tunbridge due to work commitments.
The savage storm Darragh meant a foreboding setting, with wailing winds, sideways rain and biting cold setting the tone for the encounter. 
Not to be perturbed, the men in red, led by grizzled captain Tom Proctor, were eagerly awaiting a physical contest. With the howling wind having subsided somewhat, the mercurial Sam Seymour got the game underway, duly kicking straight to Bracknell’s behemoth no.8, who was duly met by the Hammers own man mountain Thomas ‘Strong Jawline’ Proctor. That first carry set the tone for much of the first half, with the Bracknell pitch, as any quantity surveyor worth their salt would testify, being on a slope, with the boys from SW6 electing to play uphill in the first half with the wind at their backs, thanks to the tactical nous of Captain Tom (Potential chess grandmaster).
The Hammers lineout was under siege in the initial phases of the first half, with potentially sabotaging actions being alleged against the Bracknell ball boys, using very lax towel drying methods when it was Hammers ball, yet vigorously drying Bracknell ball each time. Unfortunately it is very difficult to prosecute minors for accessory liability, so the Hammers legal department let them off with a stern written warning. The very tall and effective Bracknell lineout jumpers and the baying mob of Bracknellians all contributed to putting the Hammers lineout under serious pressure.
Perhaps thinking that as Hammers were only a stone’s throw away from Parsons Green, (think white horse et al), the men in red would prove to be a soft touch, the first phases of the game consisted of very much direct running from robust Bracknell forwards, following turnover ball. Perhaps caught a little cold, the Hammers defence initially struggled against an onslaught of waves of green, powerful blocky forwards making considerable yards despite the manful attempts of the Hammers defence, Bracknell manged to power through towards the twenty two. After several phases the Brack managed to chip in behind, but Marshall Macleod A.K.A Robert the Bruce, denied his English foe any chance at scoring and said ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’ as he was forced to kick the ball dead to avoid a certain Bracknell try.
Bracknell did come, and indeed did prove hard, and off the back of the resulting five metre scrum, after several thudding carries yielding nothing against a solid red wall, decided they could not take any more collisions against the Hammers men up front, so in a backhanded and uncouth manner, played it out the back while the Hammers were relishing the physical battle, with their short rotund fullback slipping over for the opening try (4). The conversion unsuccessful, it was 5-0 Bracknell early on.
Stung into action, South West London’s finest began to play but errors crept in and Bracknell’s locomotive like forwards kept coming. However, chop tackling abounded in the Hammersmith and Fulham defence, the forward pack hunting down and smashing each Bracknell carrier with venom, as the youths say ‘they got that dawg in em’. Despite some excellent defence, with the backs now doing their duty for the fatherland, the hammers lineout was under attack, as the aforementioned unholy trinity of dubious Bracknell ball boy drying techniques, questionable lineout jumping by large trolls and the baying mob all served to make it exceedingly difficult for the Hurlingham heroes to secure their own ball.
Eventually, after the referee spotted some more Bracknell underhanded methods, the Fulham massif were awarded a penalty. Up stepped the arguable G.O.A.T., soon-to-be married Joe Carolan (read it and weep ladies). Unfortunately storm Darragh had other ideas Mr. Top try scorer’s attempt sailed narrowly wide. The resulting phases of play were dominated by set piece, but each time a Bracknell forward carried, a Fulham man was there to meet with some ferocious tackling from Northern Ireland’s finest Marcus McNeill, who seemed to be effervescent in his appetite to smash big units into the ground. Not to be left behind was minor royalties’ second best rugby player, (after Mike Tindall), Seb Rivett, who was closely competing with Marcus for how many chop tackles one man could make.
Bracknell did manage to make a searing break, and their diminutive but rapid winger approaching the Hammers line some of their players were already celebrating, but across came Sam Seymour doing his best Gandalf impression and screaming ‘you shall not pass’ as he tackled the bright yellow boot wearing winger in an incredible cover tackle. The Brack were in behind, but like waves crashing against igneous rock, the Hammers defence would not buckle and forced the Brack back and into a turnover, before clearing away possession.
Despite repeated attempts to breach the Hammers defensive line, the brute force of the Bracknell pack could not get past the iron will of Hammersmith & Fulham. This forced another chip in behind the iron curtain, however, Marshall Macleod once again snuffed out the danger, ensuring that to breach the South West London wall, will require much more than simple little poots over the top. However, the lineout was Bracknell ball, just inside the Hammers twenty two. Repeated battering rams were thrown against the Hammers line, with the tackling incessant, with every man putting his body on the line. The hammering of the Hammers (if you’ll pardon the pun) line, continued, yet each time Bracknell were repelled.
Alas, as even the magnificent walls of Constantinople were breached, the iron walls of Hurlingham also fell the barbarian hordes of Bracknell. After repeated heavy artillery-esque carries, the ball was swung back against the grain of play and the barbarians of Bracknell breached the sanctity of the Hammers line. The conversion successful, 12-0 Bracknell, (20). Off the restart, the Hammers managed to win a penalty, and after a kick to the corner and a successful lineout, a Douglas Haig-esque drive against a stubborn defensive line occurred with some powerful carries from the proudly Irish Eoin Baker (just look at the name spelling come on), and Turbo Tim Russell bringing the Hammers within reach of the Bracknell line. However due to an injury to a Bracknell forward, no doubt due to the intense collisions on a part of the men in red, the referee stopped the Hammers momentum, allowing a wilting defence some respite. Severa
l scrums later and with a refreshed Bracknell defence allowed some breathing space, despite the best efforts of the Hammers with some powerful Jacob Poulton carries, unfortunately the ball was knocked on, and the hammers push on Moscow came to nothing. This allowed the Bracknell attack to worm its way out from the Hammers grip and push the game back towards the half way line, with some direct running. However the tackling was ferocious, no man from Fulham even countenancing a backward step, with Scott van Berckel and Dan Hostetler putting in some car crash collisions.
With the conditions making the ball as slippery as a bar of soap scrums were aplenty. Just approaching half time, the Hammers backline turned itself into a David Blaine tribute act and produced some magic. Sam Seymour produced a delectable chip in behind which Tim Russell, the best thing to come out of Portsmouth since Charles Dickens, beat his man to before stepping and offloading to Marshall Macleod, who in turn passed back inside to Joe Carolan, who added another notch to the bedpost with another try! This sparked ecstatic celebrations from the Hammers travelling support, with Carolan converting his own try to begin the fightback. 12-7 (37). The Hammers ended the half with the wind in their tails yet still trailing.
The second half began with the Hammers playing down the hill, but into the wind. There was much of a back and forth momentum swing, but the half time team talk delivered by Alain Van West stilled Hammer hearts and stiffened the already near impregnable iron curtain of defence. If Shaun Edwards had been in attendance he would have shed a tear such was the commitment and ‘spirit of the blitz’ attitude of the Hammers defence every time the barbarian hordes of Bracknell approached the citadel that represented the Hammers try line.
Bracknell came out with vicious intent, pounding away at the Hammers line yet the ferocity of the Hammers overcame all. Eventually the pressure against the Hammers told, and the referee blew for a penalty ten metres out in front of the posts. This period of sustained pressure also led the referee to somewhat harshly yellow carding the freshly subbed on Max Dugdale. After having faced brutal collisions and unbowed will, which was leading to Bracknell taking more casualties than a Russian offensive, they opted to save their bodies and kicked for goal. 15-7 (44).
However back came the red wave, unrelenting. They surged forward after some excellent carries from the ever willing Seb Rivett, Thomas Proctor, and the veterans’ veteran (think 3 tours of ‘nam equivalent) Rogan. The Hammers were playing some excellent rugby and were approaching the Bracknell. However unfortunately after another knock on, (conditions) Bracknell managed to survive and put in to their own scrum close to their line. By this stage, Dan Hostetler had unfortunately gone off with injury, but it meant Zak Underwood A.K.A. bomb squad supremo had arrived, to combine with Rogan and Jacob Poulton to form a holy trio of destructive front row power. Against the head, they pulverised the Bracknell front row, leading to hammers ball, which was spun out to the backs with Marshall Macleod (How many mentions) crashing over in the corner. Joe Carolan nails the touchline conversion 15-14 (54).
Back came Bracknell, but they were given nothing. Time was slowly starting to ebb towards the 80th minute and the Hammers found themselves in their own half. However, after some arm wrestling between the two sides, the Hammers recovered a Bracknell kick in their own half and after several phases some more excellent carries from Jacob Poulton (who prepared for the game by watching Masterchef) and Eoin Baker, brought the Hammers up to Bracknell’s ten metre line. There they won a penalty and despite Rogan showing some French flair and attempting a quick tap penalty, the referee called the multitalented prop back to the mark and Hammers duly kicked for touch, with Bracknell receiving a yellow card. Unfortunately, we could not capitalise in the lineout and Bracknell survived, booting the ball into the waiting arms of Max Dugdale, easily distinguishable from Ben, due to him sporting a bright neon-green thermal. The Hammers tried manfully to edge closer towards Bracknell territory however another knock on meant a Bracknell scrum. The clock ticked, full time loomed large. 3 minutes to go.
But, the beast was yet to be unleashed. With the game on the line the Hammers scrum, led by the titans, Rogan, Zak and Mr. E.Y. Parthenon Poulton, dismantled the Bracknell scrum. The Bracknell crowd, sensing the impeding danger repeatedly bleated from the side-lines, with the odd bellowing local screaming ‘BRACKNELL’. Yet it was to no avail.
There was no mercy shown. From one scrum penalty to another, the titanic trio of the front row pushed Bracknell back and back to their own line. Penalty after penalty. The pleas from the crowd begging the all-conquering machine for relief, yet like Cesar crossing the Rubicon our boys sensed victory and pummelled the Bracknell scrum into oblivion.
The clock ticked red.
Another scrum penalty.
This time, the bedraggled Bracknell scrum managed to stay the red tide. Sam Seymour spun the ball to Max Dugdale, some excellent lines from the centres Eoin and Joe, and the ball was shifted to Marshall… Throats clenched, crowd watching on intensely…last play of the match…
Hard line by Marshall…
Cover defence scrambling…
Hammers hearts in mouths…Cue Tim Russell on wraparound….Excellent pass to weedy winger Miles O’Connor who simply touches down in corner (arguably in very effeminate matter) and Try. Cue ecstatic celebrations. Hammers win!