Hammersmith & Fulham, the Hammers, the men-in-red, the boys from SW6, travelled away out of the environs of London further to the south west, to face Bracknell, a road trip that was undertaken while the winds and the rains of storm Darragh ravaged much of the British mainland.

Undeterred, the men in red set out upon their voyage to claim a victory against an opponent sitting just above them in the league table. Buoyed from a resounding victory against a tough Tunbridge Wells side, the Hammers travelled to Bracknell looking to make it back to back wins for the first time this season, to lay down a marker that the domination displayed against Tunbridge was no mere flash-in-the pan, but a true marker of this team’s capabilities.  

There was some slight changes to the line-up, with Harry Scarr unavailable due to exertions the previous week against Tunbridge, but Eoin Baker was a welcome return to the side after missing the victory against Tunbridge due to work commitments.  

The savage storm Darragh meant a foreboding setting, with wailing winds, sideways rain and biting cold setting the tone for the encounter. 

Not to be perturbed, the men in red, led by grizzled captain Tom Proctor, were eagerly awaiting a physical contest. With the howling wind having subsided somewhat, the mercurial Sam Seymour got the game underway, duly kicking straight to Bracknell’s behemoth no.8, who was duly met by the Hammers own man mountain Thomas ‘Strong Jawline’ Proctor. That first carry set the tone for much of the first half, with the Bracknell pitch, as any quantity surveyor worth their salt would testify, being on a slope, with the boys from SW6 electing to play uphill in the first half with the wind at their backs, thanks to the tactical nous of Captain Tom (Potential chess grandmaster). 

The Hammers lineout was under siege in the initial phases of the first half, with potentially sabotaging actions being alleged against the Bracknell ball boys, using very lax towel drying methods when it was Hammers ball, yet vigorously drying Bracknell ball each time. Unfortunately it is very difficult to prosecute minors for accessory liability, so the Hammers legal department let them off with a stern written warning. The very tall and effective Bracknell lineout jumpers and the baying mob of Bracknellians all contributed to putting the Hammers lineout under serious pressure.  

Perhaps thinking that as Hammers were only a stone’s throw away from Parsons Green, (think white horse et al), the men in red would prove to be a soft touch, the first phases of the game consisted of very much direct running from robust Bracknell forwards, following turnover ball. Perhaps caught a little cold, the Hammers defence initially struggled against an onslaught of waves of green, powerful blocky forwards making considerable yards despite the manful attempts of the Hammers defence, Bracknell manged to power through towards the twenty two. After several phases the Brack managed to chip in behind, but Marshall Macleod A.K.A Robert the Bruce, denied his English foe any chance at scoring and said ‘come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’ as he was forced to kick the ball dead to avoid a certain Bracknell try.  

Bracknell did come, and indeed did prove hard, and off the back of the resulting five metre scrum, after several thudding carries yielding nothing against a solid red wall, decided they could not take any more collisions against the Hammers men up front, so in a backhanded and uncouth manner, played it out the back while the Hammers were relishing the physical battle, with their short rotund fullback slipping over for the opening try (4). The conversion unsuccessful, it was 5-0 Bracknell early on. 

Stung into action, South West London’s finest began to play but errors crept in and Bracknell’s locomotive like forwards kept coming. However, chop tackling abounded in the Hammersmith and Fulham defence, the forward pack hunting down and smashing each Bracknell carrier with venom, as the youths say ‘they got that dawg in em’. Despite some excellent defence, with the backs now doing their duty for the fatherland, the hammers lineout was under attack, as the aforementioned unholy trinity of dubious Bracknell ball boy drying techniques, questionable lineout jumping by large trolls and the baying mob all served to make it exceedingly difficult for the Hurlingham heroes to secure their own ball.  

Eventually, after the referee spotted some more Bracknell underhanded methods, the Fulham massif were awarded a penalty. Up stepped the arguable G.O.A.T., soon-to-be married Joe Carolan (read it and weep ladies). Unfortunately storm Darragh had other ideas Mr. Top try scorer’s attempt sailed narrowly wide. The resulting phases of play were dominated by set piece, but each time a Bracknell forward carried, a Fulham man was there to meet with some ferocious tackling from Northern Ireland’s finest Marcus McNeill, who seemed to be effervescent in his appetite to smash big units into the ground. Not to be left behind was minor royalties’ second best rugby player, (after Mike Tindall), Seb Rivett, who was closely competing with Marcus for how many chop tackles one man could make.  

Bracknell did manage to make a searing break, and their diminutive but rapid winger  approaching the Hammers line some of their players were already celebrating, but across came Sam Seymour doing his best Gandalf impression and screaming ‘you shall not pass’ as he tackled the bright yellow boot wearing winger in an incredible cover tackle. The Brack were in behind, but like waves crashing against igneous rock, the Hammers defence would not buckle and forced the Brack back and into a turnover, before clearing away possession.  

Despite repeated attempts to breach the Hammers defensive line, the brute force of the Bracknell pack could not get past the iron will of Hammersmith & Fulham. This forced another chip in behind the iron curtain, however, Marshall Macleod once again snuffed out the danger, ensuring that to breach the South West London wall, will require much more than simple little poots over the top. However, the lineout was Bracknell ball, just inside the Hammers twenty two. Repeated battering rams were thrown against the Hammers line, with the tackling incessant, with every man putting his body on the line. The hammering of the Hammers (if you’ll pardon the pun) line, continued, yet each time Bracknell were repelled.  

 Alas, as even the magnificent walls of Constantinople were breached, the iron walls of Hurlingham also fell the barbarian hordes of Bracknell. After repeated heavy artillery-esque carries, the ball was swung back against the grain of play and the barbarians of Bracknell breached the sanctity of the Hammers line. The conversion successful, 12-0 Bracknell, (20). Off the restart, the Hammers managed to win a penalty, and after a kick to the corner and a successful lineout, a Douglas Haig-esque drive against a stubborn defensive line occurred with some powerful carries from the proudly Irish Eoin Baker (just look at the name spelling come on), and Turbo Tim Russell bringing the Hammers within reach of the Bracknell line. However due to an injury to a Bracknell forward, no doubt due to the intense collisions on a part of the men in red, the referee stopped the Hammers momentum, allowing a wilting defence some respite. Severa

l scrums later and with a refreshed Bracknell defence allowed some breathing space, despite the best efforts of the Hammers with some powerful Jacob Poulton carries, unfortunately the ball was knocked on, and the hammers push on Moscow came to nothing. This allowed the Bracknell attack to worm its way out from the Hammers grip and push the game back towards the half way line, with some direct running. However the tackling was ferocious, no man from Fulham even countenancing a backward step, with Scott van Berckel and Dan Hostetler putting in some car crash collisions.  

With the conditions making the ball as slippery as a bar of soap scrums were aplenty. Just approaching half time, the Hammers backline turned itself into a David Blaine tribute act and produced some magic. Sam Seymour produced a delectable chip in behind which Tim Russell, the best thing to come out of Portsmouth since Charles Dickens, beat his man to before stepping and offloading to Marshall Macleod, who in turn passed back inside to Joe Carolan, who added another notch to the bedpost with another try! This sparked ecstatic celebrations from the Hammers travelling support, with Carolan converting his own try to begin the fightback. 12-7 (37). The Hammers ended the half with the wind in their tails yet still trailing.  

The second half began with the Hammers playing down the hill, but into the wind. There was much of a back and forth momentum swing, but the half time team talk delivered by Alain Van West stilled Hammer hearts and stiffened the already near impregnable iron curtain of defence. If Shaun Edwards had been in attendance he would have shed a tear such was the commitment and ‘spirit of the blitz’ attitude of the Hammers defence every time the barbarian hordes of Bracknell approached the citadel that represented the Hammers try line.  

Bracknell came out with vicious intent, pounding away at the Hammers line yet the ferocity of the Hammers overcame all. Eventually the pressure against the Hammers told, and the referee blew for a penalty ten metres out in front of the posts. This period of sustained pressure also led the referee to somewhat harshly yellow carding the freshly subbed on Max Dugdale. After having faced brutal collisions and unbowed will, which was leading to Bracknell taking more casualties than a Russian offensive, they opted to save their bodies and kicked for goal. 15-7 (44). 

However back came the red wave, unrelenting. They surged forward after some excellent carries from the ever willing Seb Rivett, Thomas Proctor, and the veterans’ veteran (think 3 tours of ‘nam equivalent) Rogan. The Hammers were playing some excellent rugby and were approaching the Bracknell. However unfortunately after another knock on, (conditions) Bracknell managed to survive and put in to their own scrum close to their line. By this stage, Dan Hostetler had unfortunately gone off with injury, but it meant Zak Underwood A.K.A. bomb squad supremo had arrived, to combine with Rogan and Jacob Poulton to form a holy trio of destructive front row power. Against the head, they pulverised the Bracknell front row, leading to hammers ball, which was spun out to the backs with Marshall Macleod (How many mentions) crashing over in the corner. Joe Carolan nails the touchline conversion 15-14 (54).  

Back came Bracknell, but they were given nothing. Time was slowly starting to ebb towards the 80th minute and the Hammers found themselves in their own half. However, after some arm wrestling between the two sides, the Hammers recovered a Bracknell kick in their own half and after several phases some more excellent carries from Jacob Poulton (who prepared for the game by watching Masterchef) and Eoin Baker, brought the Hammers up to Bracknell’s ten metre line. There they won a penalty and despite Rogan showing some French flair and attempting a quick tap penalty, the referee called the multitalented prop back to the mark and Hammers duly kicked for touch, with Bracknell receiving a yellow card. Unfortunately, we could not capitalise in the lineout and Bracknell survived, booting the ball into the waiting arms of Max Dugdale, easily distinguishable from Ben, due to him sporting a bright neon-green thermal. The Hammers tried manfully to edge closer towards Bracknell territory however another knock on meant a Bracknell scrum. The clock ticked, full time loomed large.  3 minutes to go. 

But, the beast was yet to be unleashed. With the game on the line the Hammers scrum, led by the titans, Rogan, Zak and Mr. E.Y. Parthenon Poulton, dismantled the Bracknell scrum. The Bracknell crowd, sensing the impeding danger repeatedly bleated from the side-lines, with the odd bellowing local screaming ‘BRACKNELL’. Yet it was to no avail.

There was no mercy shown. From one scrum penalty to another, the titanic trio of the front row pushed Bracknell back and back to their own line. Penalty after penalty. The pleas from the crowd begging the all-conquering machine for relief, yet like Cesar crossing the Rubicon our boys sensed victory and pummelled the Bracknell scrum into oblivion.

The clock ticked red.

Another scrum penalty.

This time, the bedraggled Bracknell scrum managed to stay the red tide. Sam Seymour spun the ball to Max Dugdale, some excellent lines from the centres Eoin and Joe, and the ball was shifted to Marshall… Throats clenched, crowd watching on intensely…last play of the match…

Hard line by Marshall…

Cover defence scrambling…

Hammers hearts in mouths…Cue Tim Russell on wraparound….Excellent pass to weedy winger Miles O’Connor who simply touches down in corner (arguably in very effeminate matter) and Try. Cue ecstatic celebrations. Hammers win!

There are 3 inevitabilities in life: Death, Taxes and Will Bretnall putting his card behind the bar at the Christmas Lunch. However, before we get onto Sunday, let’s talk about Saturday the 2nd December…. 

The Hammers rolled in after a week off after a sobering loss against OA’S, facing a must-win stretch between now and the New Year. But as the old saying goes, “don’t-back-a-veteran-42-year-old-prop-up-against-wall” – you’ll get a response. 

Genuinely, first 25 mins was a bit of a blur. We were liquid, playing fast-flowing ruggers round-the-corner enabled by a ruck speed that left the Tunbridge Wells defensive line scrambling to keep up. The conductor of this symphony of running Rugby? Sam Seymour, directing the boys from the 10 shirt like a Christopher Nolan movie in what would prove a man-of-the-match performance, yet this wasn’t Interstellar – NAY, this was Hammers, and we were INTO THESE TUNBRIDGE MEN! 

It wasn’t long till the first of 7 tries was scored, Northerner Henry Boyd breaking his try drought with not one but two clinical finishes in the corner, the space created thanks to the Hammers’ forwards bullying their opposite pack in the set piece from everywhere. The third try – merely 15 minute in – came from yet another lethal Hammers maul, but this time the Steam Pigs were determined to finish their own good maul work and hooker Dan Hostetler crossed the white line by the posts. Your author did more running of the tee then he did with the ball, (and respectfully he wasn’t too happy about it), but the games the game. The opening stanza would be completed just the other side of the 20 minute mark when boys secured their first bonus point win of the season off the back of a Ben Dugdale try… but he later tapped and went on his own line, so net loss. 

To their credit – and after an absolute spray under the sticks not seen at Hurlingham Park since 2019-2023 seasons – Tunbridge came back into the game with their physicality and, frankly, quite intimidating number 8. Hammers repelled multiple phases but eventually leaked a try thanks to Up-the-Jumper rugby. Half time, 26-7. 

The second half saw the Hammers settle into a more composed style of play. Kicking smartly, making tackles, and doing the basics well kept the game in their control, but Tunbridge wasn’t about to lie down. They mixed up their game plan, began to run much more direct, and came at the boys. Some stella defensive sets kept the Hammers try line unsullied, but it was only when Timmy Russell reached into his handbag and pulled out an absolute vintage interception-and-try that Tunbridge’s momentum was halted. The boys could sense that something special was happening…

That “special” came off a Hammers penalty in our own half. A quick tap…slipped tackle…2 accurate passes…quick feet…and an offload later, we found ourselves in prime real estate just inside the Tunbridge 22. It was on…but how would it end…

…with wily veteran Rogan running a speculative cheat line to the blind side of the ruck. Quick ball, and some slick hands from Marshall saw Rogan dot down in the corner! The crowd went utterly wild! To put this in perspective, the last time our 42 year old, father-of-2, 141 cap loose head prop Andrew Rogan scored a try:

• The Fire Fest documentary came out
• Everyone played Flappy Bird. 
• Bitcoin was worth £5k.
• The Red Wedding Aired.

It was a beautiful moment for the team and well deserved. There was little else to report on from that point until full time aside from their replacement prop getting a red card for a shocking shoulder charge clear out on Josh AA’s big brother, Ben Dugdale. 

The Hammers won, up to 9th. The rest of the night was filled with Temperance, Kings Arms (Sleep), The Mitre, Kings Arms AGAIN & The Mitre AGAIN. Talk about a good old fashioned weekend!

Bracknell away next week, Lambrini beckoning. 

Into these Red Men.

The day began with a somber and reflective mood, most certainly due to this match being played on remembrance weekend which was respected by both sides and supporters with a minute’s silence prior to kick off.

What ensued afterwards was a real back-and-forth of a game, an arm wrestle – as some would refer to it – but a fantastic display of attritional rugby and grit in the first instalment of the ‘Dan Hostetler Cup’ (Named after the hooker who recently transferred to Hammers from Maidenhead, who also happens to have written this report…oops). 

In the first minutes of the game it was clear Maidenhead, a team higher in the table, had come with some venom to attempt to assert the dominance their league position suggested they deserved. This was, however, not on the agenda for Hammersmith & Fulham who viewed this as a must-win game after not being on the positive side of a series of results since the first game of the season. 

There early parts of the game were, as you’d expect, a cagey affair, with some handling errors and the majority of play in between the 22’s, other than the odd kick-and-chase scare for both teams. However, what was already apparent, 10 minutes in, was the Hammers dominance at the scrum… more on this later. 

Uncharacteristic Hammersmith errors led to a couple of penalties which Maidenhead looked to put into the corner and drive over. However, some inside knowledge on this meant they were not successful in this area paid dividends, with the Hammersmith jumpers Harry Scarr (6) and Tom Proctor (5) running great aerial interference. Maidenhead did put the first points on the board just before the 20th minute with a strike from their fullback. 0-3 to the visitors. 

Moving on and Hammersmith regather their composure post kick to pressure Maidenheads defence, forcing the visitors to commit a series of penalties which leads to the first try of the game.  A perfectly thrown ball to the tail of the lineout allowed for the driving line-out maul – a reliable try source this season- to set and go, allowing tackle machine Marcus McNeil to drop over the line safely. Extras are added, 7-3. Game on… 

…only for Hammersmith get caught offside a couple of minutes after kick off, the Maidenhead fullback puts it through the posts, 7-6. 

What ensued for the remainder of the first half were errors in defence leading to penalties but neither team able to take the initiative and trouble the scoreboard further. Hammersmith threatened to add 3 to the tally with the best opportunity thanks to a scrum penalty, (credit to the Ferraris of the team for this one (Front 5)) but unfortunately the kick sailed just wide. Maidenhead came closest to a try but the valiant Hammers defence stopped any such thing, holding it up on the line. HT 7-6 

We came back from the HT break, both teams hydrated, rested and ready for action. Excellent, smart rugby from the home-team back line allows for Hammers pressure to be consistently applied to the visitors, keeping them down in their own half.  

This is where the real fun began. From early in the second half, the Hammers scrum displayed a feat of pure dominance, the Maidenhead loosehead quite literally bending over backwards to meet Ed Wynne’s need for forward direction of travel at scrum time. It really was a thing of beauty and set the tone for the second half. 

This penalty led to a lineout, for which the maul was subdued on this occasion, with the Hammers hooker breaking off to not go backwards but found himself in space about 20 metres out from the line. It is a fair assumption, he did not make it but ball was recycled and the ensuing phases left Hammersmith with a fantastic attacking position which was unfortunately not capitalised on and led to an away penalty. So close…

Once possession was regained, the backline continued their fine job of keeping Maidenhead under pressure and playing in their half. The ball was turned over at lineout which led to Hammer’s own crossing the line…but a definite travesty resulted as it was called held up  Nevertheless, pressure continued and Hammers added points from the tee, 10-6. 

After clearing their lines from kick off Hammers fullback Max Dugdale unfortunately receives a yellow card for a high tackle, thankfully both players were okay. This however leaves Hammers under pressure for the next 10 minutes – time to dig deep, time for the beauty’s (front row) to turn into beasts. 

Maidenhead looked to make use of the extra man on the pitch, especially out wide with a couple of rapid wingers, consistently looking to quick tap penalties but could not keep the phases together… leading to scrums, which Hammers were more than happy with. Even a untimely injury to talisman Marcus McNeil who, after finding himself on the wrong side of a collision and had to be removed from the field of play, couldn’t hold back the boys. We wish him well in his recovery. 

Finally, Hammersmith’s scrum dominance led to the sin-binning of Maidenheads tighthead prop, who had a tough day at the office but was a bit unlucky to earn the referee’s gaze (I wouldn’t want to come up against 139 year old 42 cap Andrew Rogan either).  Dugdale now back on the pitch, goes on to add the 3 points and make it 13-6. 

Maidenhead, to their credit, kept fight, and – energised by being a man down – finally were able to string together the phases they are known for and shift the ball wide to their pace men, eventually scoring and making it 13-11, hitting the post with the conversion. With 7- minutes down on the clock, the question now was would that prove costly? 

The final 10 minutes were frantic, both teams wanting to secure the result with a try, which actually led to some of the most entertaining rugby of the afternoon (other than the scrums, which are always entertaining). Hammersmith however took the opportunity to make it 16-11 deep into the second half following yet another scrum penalty to give themselves some breathing room. 

Some close calls almost led to Maidenhead stealing the win but consistent pressure from Hammersmith’s brilliant backline in defence and Hammersmith’s dominance at scrum time saw them fought off. The whistle goes and Hammer’s get the W, with the full time score 16-11 and Rogan securing man-of-the-match on behalf of the front row.

Bring on next week! 

Heart.

It was on display in abundance for the 1^st XV’s game against Camberley, a tough match against a tough opposition employing a game plan that played to their strengths, helped in no small part by Mother Nature dumping rain on the boys as they left the changing room. Thickening up the already-heavy pitch, Camberley’s direct, everything-through-the-forwards-like-its-2007 style of Rugby was made for this dark October today, their strong maul and short pitch leading to any infraction by the boys being punished with a penalty kick to the corner followed by a grinding maul. Four times this happened in the first 20 minutes, the boys vainly throwing their bodies in front of the Camberley maul like Karens at Josh AA in a Benidorm nightclub. Unlike Fulham’s one-man heart-breaker, it was in vain.

At the end of the first quarter the boys found themselves on the losing end of healthy lead, not helped by a Camberly scrum which punished a Hammers forward pack built for speed, skills and looks. Spanish bullfighting champion Alexandro Lopez (3) had his handful against his opposite man, unable to employ his flamenco “feet-of-flames” under the grey October sky Surrey clay, whilst Dan Hostler (2) and Rogan (1) were subject to more angles than a high-school protractor. Soon joined by Zak Underwood*, and backed up by Irish Josh (5) and captain Tom Proctor (4) the boys stayed in the fight until the end, but it was not an easy day to be a tight 5.

It was also not a good day to be a Camberley shoulder. Despite the pressure, the boys threw themselves into tackle-after-tackle, Marcus McNeil (13) showing a willingness to put his body on the line in a way that would serve him very well a few hours later on the Fez’s dance floor. Josh AA (6), his body ravaged by diseases caught from Karens in Benidorm nightclubs and showing the same utter disregard for his personal safety, destroyed several cocky Camberley carriers, whilst Eoin Baker (13) reminded the Camberley prop as to why he was better off playing inside their 10.  And Irish Josh Norton? For the second time this season, our tall Irish man showed pure heart to chase down a Camberley line-break and tackle an supposedly “quicker” back mere meters from the line to save a try. The result? No less than 3 of Camberley’s players retiring hurt, their limping forms a reminder that no matter what the score, Hammers never, ever give up.

Buoyed by these examples of pure heart, the Hammers regained composure and began to employ their structure and hands.  Multiple phases, ace calls and runs into the Camberley half saw the boys come agonizingly close, culminating with Harry Boyd (11) scoring wide.  It was a reminder that this team is improving every single week, learning from the tough games against the top 5 teams in the competition, no matter what the result.

Victories as these are, wars are not won by tackles alone. Full credit to Camberley, their game management proved superior. Lost possession, especially in their half, was punished by accurate kicking and a strong kick-chase that constantly pressured the Hammers back 3 of Max (15), Harry (14) and Tim Russell (11).  Effective line-out jumping by Harry Scarr (7) and Tom Proctor did not lead to the 25 meter maul-tries of previous games due to continuity problems in the Hammers maul but also effective Camberley defence, and finally, grim conditions left the Hammers ruck speed just a tad too slow at key times. The end result was a score line reminiscent of a Max Dugdale golf game and one that no one wanted to repeat.

Hammers pride was stung, for despite pride in having fought until the end and trying to play expansive Rugby, these boys play to win, and in that we fell short. Taking that pain, and shaping it into a weapon to be employed against a range of teams after the break, will not be difficult. The lessons of these last few games will make them into a force to be reakoned with. The Ws will come, and it will start on the 9^th November.

*Denotes international appearances (any form of Rugby. Even not real countries)

Captain’s Log: Star date 12.10.24. The Hammersmith Enterprise has discovered a new club deep in Womble territory. Backline resources are as thin as Harry Scarr’s hair. First impressions are of a sloped landscape and temperamental weather system. Lieutenant Marshall has already proposed we hold out for firmer ground. We dragged Rogan out of his party in the holodeck, set our phasers to kill, beamed down and took to the field.

With what would soon become a recurring theme for the day, the kick off was dropped by the opposition and the first scrum was called. About 3 seconds later we packed down for our second. This time, with a drive as wonky as Rogan’s stomach was feeling, we conceded a penalty. Wimbledon booted it up the park and we were defending our first lineout. Some aggressive line speed and great tackling forced yet another knock on…. A great clearance saw us back deep into the Wimbledon 22, where they opted to throw a forward pass. A few phases later saw us awarded a penalty for offside and a kick at goal was selected. Unfortunately their deflector shields were up and the ball bounced off the upright.

A little rally of kick tennis gave us our first attacking lineout, unsurprisingly ending with another scrum in midfield. A little later an attempted clearance went out on the full and we were defending a lineout just outside our own 22. With the fearsome Wombleonian reputation for set piece, the order was to divert all power to the shields. The plan worked and we eventually forced a turnover and cleared the lines, only for them to set straight back to returning fire. A not releasing penalty put them back in the corner on our 5m. Those shields held out however, forcing a goal line drop out. Yet still the attack persisted. Security Officer Marcus McNeil was having none of it and led the line who all fearlessly repelled the enemy. Unfortunately the Galactic Council appointed referee had spotted another infringement and brought it back for Wimbledon to once again stick it in the corner. This time a quick peel from the maul found the smallest of gaps in our defences and a try was awarded. No conversion so it was left at 5-0 on the 20 minute mark.

This time the kick off was collected and after dropping the return kick, we gave Wimbledon a scrum on the halfway. An early engage gave away a free kick and thus began a long period of more defence. Through pure dog we drove the line backwards and eventually forced a kick. After finally getting the clearance away, it was a Wimbledon lineout on the 22. Another gap eventually appeared in the shields but we were let off by the slippery ball and had a scrum on our 5m; another chance to relieve the pressure. Not the most relief however as Wimbledon were back with another lineout on our 22. Some more stalwart defending and another scrum was forced. This time a proper clearance put play back into the Wimbledon half. The remaining 10 minutes saw yet more excellent defensive manoeuvres but never really getting a chance to turn on the offensive.

The second half saw Wimbledon launch a direct attack with an early turnover from the kick off. Some more solid defending forced a fumble and a great bounce off the winger’s leg gave us a lineout on halfway. Another weapons malfunction led to a Wimbledon scrum and ultimately resulted in a penalty. Wimbledon’s drive for the corner was again met with the steely shoulders of the defence and the line was cleared. A brief strafing run from our Ace Pilot Tim Russell ended when he was struck down fiercely by the opposition centre. We did however win a penalty at the ruck. Another penalty off the following play put us about 30m out with an attacking lineout. The ball was collected and the forwards took the maul formation. After diverting all power the thrusters, the pack started to shift and continued to accelerate! Aided by the massive combined weight of Dugdale and Weaver we managed to get the over that final meter and bag a well-earned try! Dan Hostetler eventually touching it down. The conversion followed to make it 5-7.

We recovered the ball easily from the kick off and went for the old up and under. A great chase saw now newly promoted, ‘Head of Security’, Marcus bring down the catcher. Unfortunately Wimbledon managed to get an offload away and launch a counterattack. They broke well into our backfield and looked like they were in. However, the tactical deployment of a Mark AA. Josh anti Womble missile saw them brought down just before the line. Alas, a couple of pick and go’s later they managed to breach the line once more. A missed conversion left it 10-7.

Wimbledon then turned on overdrive and started piling into every ruck, competing for every ball. This increased pressure eventually resulted in a Wimbledon lineout on our 22. Although competed fiercely, with our very own Cabin Boy Harry Scarr taking quite the knock and some time in sick bay, Wimbledon managed to find a small gap in the midfield defences. They went over for their third and an under the post conversion made it 17-7.

Straight back into the fray with a series of attacks, we won a penalty putting us in the Wimbledon half. A slight misfire at the lineout was compounded by another misfire at the next one. I must remember to conduct that performance review with Technical Officer Swaino. A brief time later, a pass to Chief Medical Officer Dr John was met head on head by the opposition prop. Fair to say the iron skull of Dr John came off on top, but in a tragic miscarriage of intergalactic law, the collision was ruled accidental and the game restarted with a scrum. Mere moments later Lieutenant Marshall was brutally decapitated by the enemy chieftain. Space justice is a fickle thing but this time a yellow card was given. Marshall left the field with great dignity after declaring his outburst at the decision didn’t count as he was clearly concussed. Another strong maul pushed hard into the corner before unleashing the backs who just couldn’t quite get over the line on the opposite side of the pitch. Must add 3 v 1 training to the backs’ to do list…..

A series of back and fro between attack and defence saw the ball spend a good 10 minutes between the two 10m lines. However, the penalty count was certainly in our favour as we found ourselves once again with a lineout on the Wimbledon 22. Another supercharged weapons spree charged the pack towards the line with Darts Expert Dan breaking away at the end to score his second try of the day. A missed conversion left it at 17-12.

The final 7 minutes was a masterclass in defensive prowess to keep Wimbledon out and deny them the bonus point. It was very frustrating to not get an opportunity to steal the game, but an absolute powerhouse of a performance from the crew and one very proud captain.

Next week we boldly go where no team has gone before; and attempt to steal a victory from London Welsh.