Hammersmith & Fulham vs Windsor – 03.09.2022

After 133 purposeless days, 18 Saturdays of pretending to have fun watching live music/playing golf/bottomless brunching etc. and 2 months of getting to know a certain red tree intimately well, Jackson’s Journeymen finally returned to the hallowed turf of SW6’s premier public park, raising the curtain on the 22/23 season.

Fulham’s Finest had certainly read the script and delivered a drama-filled performance at fortress Hurlingham, smashing records to run in 13 tries and secure their highest ever winning margin at this level.

Anyone who has followed last year’s storyline would have sensed the inevitability of the opening scene to Act 1 edition 22/23.

Tired of guarding lives all summer, Tim Russell left his opposite number for dead to open his account for the season. That our resident honey badger was once again putting the “TR” in hat-trick was a surprise to no one. The only surprise was that it took him almost 80 minutes to do so. In between this he generously allowed others in the backline to share the spotlight as Killeen, Morris, and Carolan all played their part, scoring within the first 30 minutes from all corners of the park/meadow.

However, it wasn’t all 80 metre counter-attacks, or first-phase magic being woven from the wand of the Weaver. A scrum penalty followed by an intricate line-out move straight off the training dust bowl left Alex “the Money” Spicer striding down the wing with the try line at his mercy. Evidently the man has a sweet tooth and prefers sugared pastries to savoury meat pies as he unselfishly handed the egg to Josh Smith, to extend his doughnut streak for another game.

Ian’s interns, having spent the past two month’s learning first-hand all there is to know about lactic acid build-up, proved unrelenting in their pursuit of the whitewash and at half-time were 47-0 to the good.

The second half followed a similar script to the first and even allowed for a cameo from Alex Hart who, unlike his namesake, finally came off the all doughnut diet. There’s not a great deal of point in describing his try as it will surely be coming to every social media platform near you once the game footage gets released.

At this point in the game, just in case the watching crowd was finding the prospect of Proctor’s posse scoring from anywhere, at any time, too overwhelmingly exciting, Mr Russell thought he’d remove this needless danger/uncertainty and forewarn his fan club on the sideline that the next set piece, fresh-off the cabbage patch, would result in something special. Right on cue, Edward “cymbalhands” turned “featherhands” drew his opposition towards him like Seb “Spicer” Money to a game of Supa Fives, to put try machine Killeen under the posts. It is fair to say that Matt Killeen proved himself infinitely more adept at sidestepping moving opposition players than cycling around stationary bollards as he delivered a MoTM performance. Providing the hamstring can be kept intact, and the cycle rides home accident free, Joe Carolan’s 19 try record looks to be under threat.

JC isn’t too worried though. Just as the Copernican revolution proved the earth orbits the sun, the more recent Carolanian revolution has proven that the universe does indeed revolve around our inside centre. 27 points, 1 missed kick for touch, 1 role of the dice…a good day’s work!

A special mention must go to Steve John who, on his quarter century of league appearances, almost single-handedly took responsibility for kick-off returns and spent the rest of the match doing his utmost to increase the workload for his night shift at A&E.

A new season, a new league, but Saturday’s remain the same. H&F RFC’s opposition dread them almost as much as does Terry’s personal financial advisor.

Thanks to Windsor for agreeing to move this fixture to our place. We wish them the best of luck with their season until we meet again in March.

Final Score: Hammersmith & Fulham 87 – 5 Windsor

Scorers:

1. Killeen (x4)
2. Russell (x3)
3. Morris (x3)

Joe Carolan (x1) & 11 conversions

Josh Smith (x1)

Alex Hart (x1)

Debuts: Ollie Weaver, Ed Haynes, Scott van Burckel,

The morning of Saturday 23^rd April. 232 days of London 1 rugby; 70km of “swings and back!”; 100 Litres of Lambrini. One final bus trip. One final 80 minutes before the curtain falls…

A packed clubhouse, and glorious sunshine reflecting off a sea of pink Camberley blazers, provides our backdrop.

After 20 minutes the home side are two tries to the good and, despite having a novice prop, are beginning to assert their physical dominance at scrum-time. The spectating flamboyance of the flamingos can therefore be forgiven for expecting a victory procession. Too bad flamingos have little sense of smell as there is definitely something in the air. A midfield turnover; caution thrown to the wind; a Matt Newman half-break and offload; a Pete Bicknell hard-line; the ball is spun through the backs, Tim Russell breaks the line and offloads to Joe “his arms are cold” Carolan to bring the Hammers back to within 1 score.

Three things in life are certain. Taxes, Death, and Rich Vaughan’s opposite number being the largest human on the field. The home side require all of their 10kg per player advantage to prevent the wave after wave of red attacks breaching their defences. Ross Anderson decides this would be the opportune moment to explain the laws of our beautiful game to the referee for which he is rewarded with an extra 10 minutes to prepare his halftime Braveheart-esque speech.

However, even the loss of their talismanic no. 10 cannot slow the tide of Rogan’s Reds. Alex “Money” Spicer, spotting the Co-op logo adorning the Camberley post protectors, flicks a switch and makes a charge down the left touchline. Only an infringement prevents a certain try but the next score is inevitable. Joe Carolan runs over some poor soul, offloading to a flying Vaughan. The ball is recycled and thrown wide to another honey badger, who puts in the “el ganzo” step, to score under the posts.

14-14.

“Marry me Timmy Russell?!” pierces the otherwise deafening silence.

Despite Ross Anderson’s well-rehearsed motivational TED talk, the second half begins much like the first. Camberley pressure leads to an infringement and loss of territory for Carolan’s Congregation (it is after all his world we are all living in). Camberley effectively deploy their battering ram and lead by 7.

However Terry’s Troops aren’t going quietly and minutes later release their own devastating secret weapon (months in-development) and execute the perfect rolling maul. El jugador del partido, Señor Angus “El Ganzo” Marrón emerges con balón to restore parity. Alex “the Big Issue” Spicer emerges with a yellow card for attempting to save his knee from dislocation.

From the resulting penalty/kick-off the home side do what they do best, crashing over from short range. Another quick score provides some breathing room and the watching flamingos exhale…

There are certain, albeit rare, moments in life when three Scotsmen are better than one. Head Coach Jackson felt that this is precisely one of those moments, throwing on McCloud and Anderson, to join future club captain Stephen, with the instruction that “now we run everything”.  This tactical masterstroke is rewarded instantly as first Ross, with a poacher’s finish so outrageous it would be illegal within 50 miles of a game reserve, then Marshall cross the whitewash to bring Bicknell’s Brethren back to within touching distance.

The final 10 minutes sees Surrey Heath become Harlem, N.Y. as El Ganzo’s Globetrotters attempt to keep the ball more alive than the hills are with the sound of music…Ultimately living by the sword, can mean dying by the sword, and two long-range Camberley tries close out the game.

Congratulations to Camberley for an almost perfect season and best of luck for next year in Nat 3.

This was truly a David vs Goliath encounter, in more ways than one. Today Goliath had his revenge. However David’s time will come; he will be crowned; Jackson’s Journeymen will be back!

Scorers:

• Carolan
• Russell
• Brown
• Anderson
• McCloud

The day was Saturday the 23^rd of April year of our lord 2022, it was a warm April day dry and about 20 degrees at Ruislip RFC where this titanic season decider was to take place. The warm weather was fuelling the high spirits, Nugget had even ditched his formal evening Merrell hiking boots for a more mobile blue running shoe, and Lorne was already looking for sun cream.

Despite Lorne’s best impression of a lobster the excitement was building, run throughs were looking sharp and limbs were loose for some running rugby! Mike Cook gave a rousing talk to get the boys in the mood, his hair was also looking lovely having spent an hour getting it perfect for finals day.

The game kicked off at 15:21:23 GMT, and the ferocity and physicality early on depicted what type of game this will be. The game was moving fast, and so were the outside backs, moving like a cluster of antelopes and lots of meters being made in the wide channels, but ball retention and ruck speed letting ultimately us down. The wind against us was proving an issue, with a few of kicks to touch going backwards.

The first half was a tight contest and only an exchange of penalties from the reliable boot of Max Dugdale the scores were tied at 6-6. Despite this his brother Ben was still giving him abuse.

A few silly penalties allowed HAC into our 22, and after several phases of defence HAC, eventually, broke down the Hammers defence to score. A questionable knock on may have preceded the try, but hey, there were three officials so they wouldn’t miss that right? Conversion missed leaving the score 11-6 to HAC.

Fluids were taking on and spirits were high, the wind was going to be at our backs in this half, , but unfortunately we were also running up hill. So it was a bit of a catch 22.  Anyway the second half kicked off in the same manner as the first. Aggressive defence from both sides saw a few penalties from both sides. The ref pulled the captains over and warned that he was going to start to look towards a yellow for anymore cynical play. Now, I was performing my duties as hydration manager at this point, but I know that HAC scored, I just have no idea what happened. Anyway the conversion was missed taking the scores to 16 – 6 to HAC.

HAC could smell blood, and their tails were up. Hammers were guilty of trying to play out of their own half and conceded another penalty at the breakdown. Some strong running from the HAC forwards gave space for HAC back to score in the corner. Conversion missed again 21-6.

Hammersmith rallied, strong caring from Jordan Abbott put hammers on the front foot, quick ball saw the fleet footed Ed Haynes stride over the try line from the 22. Dugdale slotted a peach of a conversion from out wide. 21 – 13. Hope renewed for the Hammers.

You could see the rejuvenated sense of hope in the Hammers play, strong carrying and the ball sticking to hands almost like something out of the 1997 classic Flubber (What a film). In steps James Laylor. Now he had been tackling with his face most of the second half and it was beginning to show, as Laylor came in as the arrowhead of the Jack in the Hammers 22, to then preceded to pass the ball out of the back to no one. HAC defenders were quick to pounce on the loose ball and go over for a try under the sticks. Conversion made 28-13 to HAC.

After seeing this Sandy Duncan could not let James Laylor DOD beat his. Sandy was after an award of any sorts. Now there are questions over what actually happened but with less than 10 minutes remaining after entering a breakdown Sandy Duncan left it with a yellow card. What happened will be discussed for many moons.

After several strong attacking phases from the Hammersmith an unfortunate knock on saw the full time whistle blow. With HAC victorious this year. Heads held high the Hammers left the pitch and won the boat race (which was the only thing that mattered).

Final Score: HAC 28 – 13 Hammersmith and Fulham.

Man of the Match: Alexander Chong Kwan

DOD: James Laylor & Sandy Duncan (Both well deserved).

Wordsmith and Vice-captain of Hype: Christopher Ralph

The Hammers turned up on a glorious spring morning know they had something to prove, coming off the back on a poor result away down at Horsham, a result that was in no way a reflection of how the season had gone. On their part, Cobham arrived at Fortress Hurlingham off the back of a strong victory at home to Medway and were placed 7^th compared to the hosts 4th place.  With a big crowd down for Old Hams day, the beers and food digesting into the veins of the apprehensive crowd, the Hammers started well with an eloquent kick return from Peter ‘fleet foot’ Morris who burst through the open space of the lacklustre defence to offload out the back to Henry Martin who managed to collect the pass and dot down in the corner after 10 minutes. 5-0 to the men in red.

Cobham came back hard and fast and after some patient work, managed to power over after 16 mins, with the fly half missing his conversion. 5-5. Almost immediately from the kick off, Joe ‘Caravan’ Carolan found himself out on the left wing in acres of space to cruise past the first man in third gear before putting on the afterburners and cutting inside in 5^th to make the score 10-5. Like a well-oiled machine, the Caravan knew he had to impress, with a fleet of Caravans down to watch on the far side with a few plus 1s, wanting to show them what he was all about.

After some back and forth territory jousting, the Hammers kicked a penalty into the corner, leading to a well-constructed catch and drive maul before flinging the ball out wide. Up popped Tom Proctor with a quick pick and go, landing over the try like a flying salmon. This time the Caravan found his built-in dashboard sat nav and the Hammers took a deserved 17-5 lead.

Another excellent kick return after a lovely angle bending switch from Peter ‘snakehips’ Morris and Tim ‘Honeybadger’ Russell ended with a ball out wide, Caravan again taking the ‘goal-hanging’ plaudits, cutting inside and out again, evading the recent wave of Cobham stomach bugs with precision to dot down in the corner, another successful touchline conversion making it 24-5.

Into the second half and with a bonus point secured, it was an opportunity for the home side to really lay down one final marker in the penultimate game of the season.  However, after conceding some early penalties, Cobham managed to get their driving maul working effectively to score two well-constructed tries in quick succession. 24-15.

Back came the wave of red attacks, with Alex ‘Spice up your life’ Spicer carrying consistently well before the parting of the Cobham defence came, like Jesus parting the red sea, in the form of our very own man of God, Russell. Caravan with the conversion to take us to 31-15. Shortly after this, came a moment of madness by Prop Idol U16 candidate Jacob ‘One Blue’ Poulton, who gathered a spilled ball before launching it with his right boot towards the home fans, marginally avoiding a screaming baby. No surprises for the winner of the DOTD nomination.

Some fantastic breakdown work from a number of the Hammers men after a good Thursday night jackal session followed by a team social (but interrupted by an unnamed blond), and things were looking positive for a strong finish. Again, however, Cobham were only really interested in playing like that tight friend who never buys you a drink at the bar, and went over with another catch and drive maul, much to the disappointment of the fans who had come out on a lovely sunny spring day expecting some running rugby from both sides. 31-20.

More patient play from the men in red followed, before Matt ‘Knome’ Newman ran a lovely ‘Gregan’ line with the skipper extraordinaire who burst through the gap, carrying a couple of defenders with him before dotting down next to the posts. Another conversion taking the game to 38-20 and a very happy Caravan lady friend on the touchline. Some more nice play down the short side followed, again with Russell and Caravan combining before Newman received the offload and dotted down over the whitewash to take the score to 45-20.

The opposition then scored 14 unanswered points, but I think they were all from lineout mauls so not much further to add. A very good evening followed, as the touring blazers of HFRFC frequented a number of the local establishments until the early hours, with one member of the club posting on the club whatsapp group the following morning about a missing house mate. You’ll be pleased to hear Mr Howe, who teaches Year 7 Geography, was found without damage.

MOTM: Tim Russell

DOTD: Jacob Poulton