Saturday 4^th December. The skies were clear, the temperature was brisk and Hammers boys were frantically brushing their teeth to mask the smell of their work Christmas party from the night before. At the meet, the atmosphere was relaxed. Maybe a little too relaxed as no one had been assigned to pick up the kit.  Nevertheless, the boys got out and executed a great warm up. Talks of the setting being perfect to play our fast and expansive game were in the air. Everyone was feeling good, and the shirts arrived just in time for kick off.

Horsham were our opposition for the day and they’d been in fine form of late. They had been really unlucky to lose a few of their games by only a few points and so were looking to change that. They started strong from the whistle and were looking to secure some points from a lineout on the Hammers 5m line. In steps the master of the line out. Our resident Scottish sensei was already in their heads and intercepted their line out using only his mind (and his go-go gadget arms). Unfortunately, our part time scrum half/full time DOD was not on the same wavelength. His head wanted him to kick from our own try zone, his legs did not, and he dropped the ball for Horsham to pounce on. The try was converted from an impressive kick from the side line and you could hear our Head Coach grinding his teeth.

Hammers needed to bounce back and as a captain should, Joe Carolan lead by example. Horsham looked to kick from their 10m line but could not get the ball over the huge stature of our captain who stands at a huge 5”11 according to his Hinge profile. Some close control with his feet and Joe went over near the posts before slotting his conversion. A few minutes after, Hammers found themselves playing their usual fast free-flowing rugby with the ball going wide to our most capped player J-Lo who used some dancing feet to get on the outside of his winger before executing a perfect chip and chase over the full back. Converted again by our captain.

Even though the score would suggest Hammers were starting to control the game, it would shortly become present that Hammers were being carried by a few individuals.

Mistakes again cost the home team. A misplaced box kick with a poor chase gave Horsham an opportunity to counterattack which they executed and scored near the sticks. With 10 minutes until half time, the opposition scored 2 more tries. One in the forwards from a lineout, the other a breakaway try from their 10m line due to a terrible pass off our own scrum from yours truly. You could see steam coming out of Marks ears. 2 of the 3 conversions were made making the score 26-17 at half time.

After receiving the hairdryer treatment from the coaches and some tactical changes for the team, Hammers started the second half fiercely. Debutant Huw Parks going through a gap on the oppositions 10m that parted like the red sea and scoring under the sticks with Joe converting again. The next 20 minutes saw some good play from both teams that resulted in 2 converted penalties for Horsham but also a yellow card. Even though the comms through the hammers team was to stop giving silly offloads, we continued to give silly offloads and butcher a lot of chances. Not the fast and expansive game we had discussed.

With 10 minutes to go, Joe Carolan stepped up again to lead by example scoring off a good backs move after Angus and Zander had linked up again in the lineout. 32-28 to Horsham with only minutes left.

Some people say that good things come from the unlikeliest sources. Others say that they come in small packages. I think both are applicable here. Now playing at 15 and with his DOD free pint secured, Ben Dugdale decided he wants to help the team secure the win with a try from a well worked backs move that AGAIN came from the forwards dominating their line out. Carolan’s 5^th and final kick was also slotted making the final score 35-32. A great come back for the Hammers to keep pressure on the top spots. A great couple of bonus points for our opposition too who were unlucky to lose out at the end.

Man of the Match: Joe Carolan

DOD: Ben Dugdale

The Hammers 2XV travelled away to 5^th in the league Rosslyn Park Bs on a cold and blustery Saturday morning. Off the back of an excellent win against league title contenders London Welsh 2XV, the boys were feeling confident for back-to-back wins on the fast Rosslyn Park artificial turf. With Hammersmith playing with the wind in the first half, the game remained a tight affair for the majority of the first 40 minutes. The hammersmith scrum was on top form with the forward pack dominating Rosslyn Park at set piece, utilising this advantage in the dying minutes of the half, the boys opted to take a scrum penalty 5 metres from the Rosslyn Park line. Unable to handle the Hammersmith power, and with some excellent control at the base of the scrum, number 8 Ainsley Howard walked the ball over the line and doted down for the first and only try of the game. The try was smoothly converted by captain Huw Parks, despite the difficult windy conditions.

The second half turned out to be a cagey affair, with penalties and territory being traded backwards and forwards. The first points of the half came from the delightful penalty kick from Parks far out on the left-hand side of pitch against the wind. Parks call for a shot at goal seemed to be an audacious one. Undeterred by the wind, he stepped up and slotted the kick through the uprights, settling Hammersmith in to the second 40 minutes. Hammersmith then came under a period of pressure from Rosslyn Park camped within the 22, but stout defence from the entire team kept the Rosslyn Park team away from the line. Good game management by the boys and a further two penalty kick by Parks settled the game, which finished 3-16 to Hammersmith. Man of the Match was awarded to Huw Parks for his flawless kicking performance from the tee and steadfast management of the game from the centre of the field. This win solidified the teams position at the top of the league with one more game remaining before the Christmas break.

Special shout out to Mitch Lewis, who adorned the Hammers jersey for the final time this weekend before heading home to Australia. Following a solid hammers career, his final game was no different. He controlled the game from fly half putting in some sublime passes and subtle kicks, keeping the Rosslyn Park team constantly guessing. He left the field in true gladiatorial fashion sustaining a nasty cut above his right eye, leaving the UK with a nice souvenir to remember us by. Best of luck Mitch.

It was a clear dry day, with a slightly stiff breeze as both sides arrived at Hurlingham Park with pints being poured, burgers on the grill and a reasonable crowd gathering.

London Welsh kicked off into the wind, and quickly put Hammers under pressure as perhaps the size of the occasion had gotten to some of the boys and nervous errors crept in. Deep in our own 22, someone needed to rise to the occasion and lead the way and rising highest was the long-haired heartbreaker Tim ‘Le Scooby-Snack’ Russell. Spying an opportunity, he plucked a floated pass out of the air and pinned his ears back for the full 90 metres to continue his prolific try-scoring form.
7-0 to the Hammers, five minutes gone.

Top of the table after 8 games doesn’t come by accident however, and Welsh showed their quality by coming back hard with some serious forward pressure. Ill discipline was costly and penalty kicks to touch allowed Welsh to set up their driving maul, and from this platform they scored thrice in quick succession to leave the score looking far less rosy from a Hammers perspective, 7-21 after 30 minutes.

Up until this point it would be fair to say that Hammers had shown a little too much respect to their opposition, and it took a yellow card from a dangerous high tackle from the Welsh Captain to provide a bit of spark. For the last five minutes of the half Hammers had the bit between their teeth and went into the break disappointed that they had let the score line get away from them.

Hammers began the second half strongly, a scrum on the halfway line led to a set piece move in which centre Peter Bicknell blasted his way through the Welsh midfield and around the cover defence to score in the corner. The conversion was just pushed wide, leaving the score at 12-21 with 35 minutes of rugby left to play.

Frenetic would be a fair description of the next period of the game. Hammers spent long periods in the Welsh 22 but struggled to find that crucial breakthrough. After some quick hands through the backs released substitute winger Bryce into the corner, Hammers were incensed that the reckless dive from the Welsh covering tackler led to naught due to the ref’s view being blocked. This energy led to a score not long after, with flyhalf Pete Morris wriggling through the defence and reaching out to place the ball on the scoreline. With Captain Carolan knocking over the extras it was a two point game with ten minutes to go.

When reattaching Bryce’s head some of the wires must’ve got crossed, and his ‘over exuberant celebration’ after Morris’s try led to Welsh having a penalty from the halfway line instead of the usual restart. Welsh once again showed their fortitude by using this platform to launch an attack which saw them score an unconverted try and gain a little bit of breathing space on the scoreboard, as well as the bonus point. 26-19 after 72 minutes.

After the ensuing restart and a good clearance kick, the Hammers fullback Marshall MacLeod decided to do his best Marionette impression after taking contact and being held up by the Welsh defence. From this scrum in the middle of the park Welsh again launched deep into Hammers territory, eventually scoring in the corner. At this point there was a translation error, with the thick Scots accent of Hammers 9 Ross Anderson being mistaken for naked outrage by the referee, who showed him a yellow and told him to take an early shower.

For the last five minutes Hammers showed some serious fight, and launched attack after attack in the Welsh 22, only being stopped by repeated blatant infringements at the offside line and ruck, giving the referee no choice but to pull the card out of his pocket once again for the Welsh openside flanker. With the final play of the game Hammers finally crossed the line, to earn two bonus points and a final score of 26-31 to London Welsh.

Man of the Match was awarded to Peter Bicknell for his tireless efforts punching holes in the midfield and giving front foot ball. Dick of the Day was reserved for Ross Anderson, there will be a collection at the next home game to provide him with some elocution lessons.

Final Score:
Hammersmith and Fulham 26 – London Welsh 31

Try Scorers:
Tim Russell
Peter Morris
Peter Bicknell
Joe Carolan

Rome vs Carthage. Sparta vs Troy. Colin vs Cuthbert. Rivalry is a common theme throughout history going back to the dawn of time. This Saturday past produced yet another epic encounter. A match to determine which team would wear the crown of Best South West London 1 South Club Located Around the River and Not Too Far Out of the City.

Hammersmith & Fulham vs Battersea.

It was a fierce mild day for rugby. Like Caesar himself crossing the Rubicon, Hammers crossed the Thames into Battersea territory. ‘Alea iacta erat.’ The die was cast. Hammers had every reason to be confident. A BP win against Chichester the week before had put us on a four game win streak. The augurs portended poor omens however when much of the team struggled to locate the field of battle, with many including the author relying on the navigation skills of consul Joe Caravan to steer us through enemy territory.

The warm-up was sharp. The forwards rumbled through their set-piece, building their maul, line-out and scrum like the great siege engines of old. The backs meanwhile, consubstantial in mindset, practised their moves seeking to expose chinks in the Battersea defence. The winds calmed. The stage was set. The gods waited with bated breath. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

Despite promising preparations, Battersea drew first blood soon after kick-off. Having quickly made it into Hammers’ half, their scrum-half, displaying artful chicanery, embarked on a daring raid of the Hammers’ defence. Having found space where none thought possible, he found his supporting man who charged over Hammers’ line. The conversion duly missed, the score read 5-0 Battersea.

This was the wake-up call Hammers needed and bearing an upright zeal, and great fortitude of character, the 15 men descended upon the Battersea defence. James Lo’s inspirational words of ‘lads these boys all work in the city with us, this game has serious bragging rights’ ringing in our ears. The attack, renewed with great vigour, advanced deep in Battersea territory, halting only briefly when Alex Hart threw a pass where he looked not, drawing great wrath from the sideline. Hammers had a new resolve. ‘Aut cum scuto aut in scuto.’

Stealing the ball from their lineout like a thief in the night, the ball found its way into the hands of Pete Bicknell who punched through the Battersea defence like Moses parting the Red Sea, offloading to his comrades before Pete Morris touched down. Consul Caravan added the extras to put Hammers ahead 7-5.

This foray was followed in quick succession by another, this time, some excellent line-out work marshalled by Zander Stephens gave the backs the platform they needed. Then, in the manner of Hannibal at the Battle of Cannae, Hammers’ backs once again pincered the Battersea defence leaving none other than magnanimous Mitch Lewis to score. Hammers led 12-5.

Not content to rest on their laurels, Hammers once again made a break for Battersea’s line, earning penalty after penalty five metres out. Settling for a scrum, the Hammers pack heaved Battersea backwards, front row Rogan, Gus, and Poulton leading the charge, and some clean-cut passing from the backs put James Lo over in the corner. Consul Caravan added the extras to see Hammers into halftime 19-5 up.

Even in classical times, the gods were oft reluctant to involve themselves in mortal affairs. However, the sheer incredulity of Hammers’ fourth try leaves nothing other than divine intervention as an explanation. With Hammers quickly regaining possession, Mike ‘Lav’ Laverly threw an audacious miss pass along the winds of time themselves. This was quickly followed by a cross-field kick which was, in turn, caught and kicked forward for a waiting Tim ‘le Snack’ Russell to pounce over the line. The Bonus point had been secured.

To their credit, Battersea quickly responded with a score of their own, leaving the score 26-12. However, that would be the last time the ball would cross the whitewash. Other notable occasions included Rosco continuing the team’s black eye tradition. Much like Achilles taking an arrow to the ankle, scrum-half Rosco was punched in the face. Somewhat less poetic sure but no less of a mighty sacrifice to the Hammers cause. Content with his miss pass and having secured the bonus point, Lav duly smashed their 12 off their ball and left the field, having been shown some cheese.

When the final whistle blew, it was Hammers who triumphed in the South West Derby. Man of the match was awarded to Angus ‘Gus’ Brown, a man forged in the sands of the Colosseum, who was decisive in Hammers’ set-piece coming out on top. With five wins in a row, attention now turned to London Welsh at Fortress Hurlingham.

(It should also be noted that the author was not allowed to submit this report unless he included how, in the dying minutes of the game, he was utterly melted by their biggest bloke. Think David vs Goliath but instead of using a slingshot, David just runs into Goliath. That sort of thing.)

The Hammers came into Saturday in buoyant mood, having previously dispatched the ‘Wild Geese’ convincingly in their last outing and bolstered by the return of London’s premier Doctor, Steve John, and Mykonos’s favourite beanpole, Alex Hart. In some further changes, club veteran Rogan was asked to carry the water, offering a first start to a man half his age, Ricky Drewitt, at loosehead, whilst Joe Crawley was set to make his debut off the bench after some strong performances for the 2s. The challenge this week lay in the form of Farnham, a side who were marooned near the foot of the table. Nevertheless, closer inspection of results unveiled important nuance – their defeats have all been by tight margins and they pushed table-toppers Welsh close. The warm-up was sharp, and Coach ‘Jacko’ may even have displayed a minor smile across his pursed lips, which should have been a warning sign.

The Hammers got off to a delightful start. A clean kick-off return (not a common feature thus far this season), preceded a fluent period of possession. Playing our attacking shape, the forwards made some dynamic carries, before Joel Caravan played a flat miss pass out to ‘Le Snack’ Russell who kindly returned the egg to the Caravan via the delicate, sun-kissed hands of Hart.

15 minutes later, and it was 14-0 to the Hammers. The combination of Caravan and Russell striking again, with the former making an electric line break before feeding the gas to finish. The Hammers were in control, and with Hart having been yanked on his return midway through the half, they could have had more. Some intense harrying work by the back row titans, John and McMahon, made Farnham cough up possession and our nippy 9, Rossco looked set to score his first ever Hammers try. Sadly, raw pace is not something our Tartan warrior is known for, and a panicked offload found turf rather than the expectant stick-mitts.

As the second half arrived, the portents were rather less promising. Early on, Joel Caravan, drawing inspiration from the burgeoning centre partnership of Lavery and Bicknell, won a brave turnover in the middle of the park, which he soon ruined by booting the ball sideways and straight out. In times gone by, Bicknell would have engaged death stare mode and lessons would be learnt. Sadly, with his fellow Kray twin, Harry Scarr, missing with a sore hand, the aura has faded and he would now struggle to scare a kitten.

Sure enough, Farnham came back into the game, putting the Hammers under pressure. They controlled both possession and territory convincingly during the second half but strong defence kept them at bay barring a single penalty which the Farnham 10 knocked over for some stats-padding. With Farnham knocking at the door, the resolve of the boys was tested further due to a number of injuries. Poulton (back), Bennett (wrist) and John (head) all trudged onto the sidelines with the game in the balance.

However, against the run of play, the Hammers struck to put the game to bed. A penalty provided the opportunity for some territory, however, not for the first time, Lavery missed touch. Fortunately the ball was kicked back to the Caravan himself who manufactured a 3 on 2. Russell showed everyone he has power to go with his raw pace and burst through a double tackle, offloading to Morris who dummied and made it to the line.

The last throes of the game saw a return to the pattern of the second half, with Farnham asking difficult questions in the Hammers 22. Questions which were mostly answered, until they went over with the last play in the game to deliver a final scoreline of 19-10. We wish Farnham well for the rest of the season and look forward to our away trip to Guildford.

MoM: Tim ‘Le Snack’ Russell.

Tin Man: A very unscary Peter Bicknell for impacting the operational capacity of South West London’s emergency NHS services by knocking out Dr Steve John.