Hi. How are you? Take a seat. Also, what have you been up to? I’ve just recovered consciousness from a significant night of post-rugby celebrations (disclaimer* this may impact the subsequent report). Anyways, do you ever wonder about the meaning of life? Well, I do. Even if there is reincarnation, the earth will be consumed by the sun in six billion years, and even if we find another galaxy to inhabit, the ‘Big Bang’ will subsequently lead to our universe imploding back in on itself: the way I see it- what’s the point?

So, it was with this in mind that we created the temporary buffer between our inexorable and relentless march towards death by playing rugby for the Hammersmith and Fulham fours on Saturday. This therefore lead to us playing against the men from Wasps in a highly anticipated and season-defining top of the table clash.

I don’t know about you, but I sure appreciate a strong hand. Currently led on the field by Stephen Danby, 22, Secondary-school owner and James Mitchell, 39, Pharmacy Technician, it was self-reported they had been brought within an inch of their lives during the week by player-manager, Nick Turner over their need to inject increased expression of emotion and passion within the team. It was this and the intense pre-game talks that therefore took us to the field with a mild sense of shame and self-loathing.

Despite this hurdle, the game started well with territory firmly camped in the opposition 22 metres. Persistent Forwards pressure combined with sending the ball wide worked brilliantly. It was rumoured they were threatened with being sent back down the coal-mines and so frequent runs from Drysdale and Draper carved the opposition to threads. It seemed as if the only thing that stood in our way was the touch-judge. After an initial break-through across the try-line (which excessive celebration has inhibited the recollection of), a subsequent sudden rampage across the line by Ali Johnston saw a further touch-down and consolidation of an early Hammers lead (the try-scorer’s legality status however remains yet to be ratified by WADA officials).

A solid lead was subsequently built, however a stern come-back via Wasps opportune scores in the second half brought the game to within touching distance. However, still fresh from winning second and third places respectively in a beauty contest, the brothers Mitchell charged over the try line in close proximity to collect timely points: Jack charged through the middle as if his Uncle’s horses depended on it, while James crashed over viciously through the waiting defenders. Young Dixie was noted for making several piercing runs from the back of the ruck while Dan Serf stole some much needed lineout ball and Antoine France later made some heavy tackles.

Have you ever seen human pain and suffering? Well if you answered yes, then you will have been firmly in your element- broken noses (and hearts) were the order of the day- Scott Ireland was left with scars and stitches indelibly etched on his face for the rest of life while Leon (noted for a couple of trademark hammering tackles and great try) was rewarded with a rearranged nose for his valiant efforts. Hammers held on to win 29-17 and remain in pole-position for season promotion.

This was a great team performance where backs and forwards integrated formidably. As a result the level of team shared love/passion rose from a 4.2 to 6 by game-end.

To finish with: while you may be sitting there thinking rugby is the ‘be-all and end-all,’ remember: the clock is ticking. Reading this article has brought you several minutes closer to your inevitable demise.

Tell them that you love them. Tell them to delete your browsing history. Choose meaning. Choose happiness. Choose KFC

Accompanied by Mark ‘Lead sideline Baritone’ Jackson the Hammers 1^st XV knew that the coach journey north would be one that both tested their mental fortitude as a team but also their resilience to ignore the palpable family tension between an alleged father and a certain recently single bench warming son.

After some playful and sometimes cutting verbal jousting, the Hammer’s indulged in an annual tradition with a spot of Trivia. Enter stage right, James ‘Megaboss’ Lo the seasoned host to guide the team of 2 through the 3^rd annual ‘If you aren’t from the UK good luck’ Megaquiz (formally known as the Megaboss’ Megaquiz). The team stacked with copious antipodean talent received a swift education on a variety of UK centric trivia from ranging categories. Interesting and a little take home price for those playing at home ‘The Great Fire of London’ of 1666 emanated from Pudding Lane and it is believed to have been started by a full time Baker with a commendable small time hobby.

Arriving on ground,  the matchday conditions presented complications for all of those who dealt with the ball higher than their chest, a strong westerly gale sweeping across the ground. Accompanying this the gradient of the pitch was in short…noticeable. Nevertheless following a delayed commencement to warm up, the Hammer’s were ready to receive the kick off.

The first 10 minutes saw a somewhat see sawing engagement with the prevailing headwind and dogged Letchworth defense making progress slow going. After toiling away for a number of phases Hammersmith earned a penalty and with the knowledge the safety of his precious mobile home was only a short distance away Joel Caravan punched an into the corner. A precise rolling maul ensued and after much jubilation it was concluded a shared forward’s try would be accepted. The only known was it was certainly not scored by Jacob ‘Secret Son in Cardiff’ Poulton. The prop who has been seen frequenting the 5m channel, reliving a previous success that is by all accounts unfathomable by any human brain.

The Hammer’s left the Letchworth half claiming the 5 points on offer, a result ensured by the trusted inaccuracy of Mr. Caravans boot.

Off the following kick off Letchworth wasted no time returning fire and with some heavy forward running found themselves with a scrum positioned inside the Hammer’s 22. It was from this scrum that it was confirmed the Hammer’s had contracted Turnstyledefensitis (patent pending). A condition which manifests itself through extreme softness of the scapula, clavicle and humorous (refer Steve ‘Do you know I am a Doctor’ John if symptoms persist).  Letchworth were in next to the sticks and added the extras, 7-5 Letchworth. Upon return of the kick off solid gameplay and grinding forward carries lead Letchworth to field position within the Hammer’s half and as a result knocked over a penalty, extending their lead 10-5.

In an instance of Déjà vu, through structure and gameplay which could be best described as untrained Hammersmith found themselves on the Letchworth 22 with an attacking lineout. Step 1 Setup rolling maul. Step 2 Rumble over. Step 3 Collect Jacob Poulten from swanning position and return to halfway. The score 10-10.

Turnstyledefensitis (patent still pending) has been confirmed as extremely contagious and was spreading like an uncontrollable global pandemic, infecting all Hammer’s present on the day. The following 10 minutes of defensive efforts were likened to that of a shared toilet after a teamwide bout of gastro. Letchworth captialised and bullied their way across the line, adding the extra’s with 10 minutes to go in the first half. Letchworth 17-10

It was at this stage that aspiring Irish Opera singer and Head Coach, Mark Jackson released a ballard that registered seismic activity across the greater Garden City area. Eyewitnesses claim that his booming voice was akin to that of the great Pavarotti. This impromptu recital was no louder than in the listening gear of Samuel James Purvis stunning him like some form of improvised flash bang explosive. When approached on Monday morning for comment Sam confessed ‘my sight has only just returned and my ears are still ringing with Jackson’s diverse vocal range’.

The Hammer’s keen to enter the half time break in touching distance of Letchworth and spurred on by Mark’s dulcet tones, worked a blindside play off the back of a scrum. Up stepped blue boots salemans Taylor Williams (link in his bio). A slick outside line, fend and dummy to the still disoriented Samuel James Purvis and he coasted to the line untouched.  17-15 to Letchworth.

Adjourning for halftime the Hammer’s appreciated that although the scoreline was not in their favour they remained well and truly in the game. Mark, exasperated from his 20minute serenade of his team and the crowd, advised he had once cured a severe case of Armtacklesious by requesting the players administer a mental cup of concrete. He firmly encouraged the team to give it a go. Steve ‘could study through a cyclone’ John later confirmed that this was in fact the only known cure for Turnstyledefensitis according to the leading Medical Rugby research body the Health Agency for Rugby Devotees Enforcing the Nobility of Union Players (HARDENUP).

With the wind and prevailing slope at their back the Hammer’s kicked off the second half and through what can only be described as pure class were in again via an intercept for debutant and slowest man on earth Tyler ‘Broken Seal’ Stacey. In a sudden plot twist shocking  players and spectators alike the conversion was successful and the Hammer’s were up 22-17.

Following this gift, the Hammer’s forwards began to graft some inroads in the Letchworth defense. Zac ‘Straya’ Halliday through obvious deformity to his face however schemed against success and forgot the team mantra ‘Do your Job’. He employed his best efforts to lose the hard fought field position by losing 2 scrum feeds against the head. Despite pursuing all opportunities to avoid the outcome over the next 5 minutes Hammersmith eventually settled inside the Letchworth half.

Mark who had had a skinful by this point cleared the benches. Phil ‘John Deer’ Lord, Ash ‘He’s me dad and he’s me best mate’ Mitchell and Ben ‘Eternally Single’ Hatton stormed the field in an effort to bring the Hammers home strong. After playing their structure for what seemed like the first time in the game, Steve ‘See nicknames above’ John collected a saucy inside ball from the back window of Joel’s caravan and with some sparkly footwork and dominant leg drive was able to power over the line. To further complicate the Hammer’s ability to count in multiples of 5, Joe/l slotted the conversion and Hammersmith was up 29-17.

A struggle ensued through the midfield as Hammersmith displayed improved structural integrity of their shoulders, Zander Stephen the promising specimen, showing glimpses of making a full recovery. A bruising 10 minutes followed where Letchworth threw the kitchen sink at the Hammers defensive line, which bent into some compromising positions but ultimately did not break. Letchworth chasing alternative means of breaking the line swung the ball wide.  The ball squirted out the side of the breakdown and onto the blue boot of none other than Taylor Williams.  With blistering pace which can only be explained by the energetically coloured footwear, he soccered (Australian for football) it and with the gradient of the slope in his favour collected the ball to score.

With feedback amongst the group being that maximum points made the game to easy, the boys enjoyed a return to regular programming and the conversion was missed. Score 34-17 to Hammersmith.

As clock would down and regular time ceased to exist, Ross ‘Finn Russell’s mate’ Anderson knocked the ball into touch and the game drew to a close. FT score 34-17.

Many thanks to Letchworth for their hospitality and post match entertainment which included a jovial recital of some rugby classics and a spontaneous ‘Rumble in The Garden City’ main event with honorary referee Ash ‘The Letchworth Local’ Mitchell adjudicating a fight between his best mate and his date.

In summary ‘It means nothing we go again Tuesday with Ian’.  The profound words of chipper Scotsman a week before Hogg dropped not only the ball but also the dreams of a nation over the line.

Man of the Match : James ‘Megaboss’ Lo

Tin Man: Samuel ‘Banjo’ James Purvis

And so it was to pass that the Hammers 3XV would be defending fortress hurlingham alongside the 1^st XV in a crunch weekend on the 25^th January knowing only a victory stood against 2 big opponents in their way of an evening on the (pub) golf course….

We all know the story behind the 1^st XVs sensational victory against our local rivals Chis-wick and so it is here where we pick up our 3^rd XVs round…..

The driving range was good, energy and focus appeared to be in abundance except for the late arrival of a one Sebastian “DALY” Money…… the team hoped he would make up for it with his accuracy from the tee.

The game teed off with a nice lob wedge where the hammers gained some good territory early on. Mike “Bjorn” Cook making a great break, like a nice 7 iron in from 170 yards, only to knock the ball forward, the rugby equivalent of a 4 putt.

25/30 minutes passed with both teams battling hard, with the Hammers gaining most of the territory but with little reward, until a young Magnus “Mcilroy” Barber broke free down the right wing to touch down. Stephen “Rose” Harris missed the conversion, chipping his approach straight into a ditch.

Not long later a try from Alex “Poulter” Kwan added to the score following some good work by Rob “Stenson” Fox.

Half time Hammers were 2UP (12-0)

The 2^nd round (half) started very much like the first with a lot of level Par play with Hammers gaining a lot of territory without much reward.

This was until a hooked drive (clearing kick) was gathered by the Hammers four ball treating the Par 5 on offer like it was merely a Par 3…. Harris to Fox to Cook to Billy to go over in the corner. A superb score crafted brilliantly by all those involved.

The game continued with some heavy drives and hits being made throughout by Barber aka Mcilroy and Fox aka Stenson, both would be happy with this round.

Then the introduction of James “Tiger woods” Cramp, bringing the subtlety of a boozed up and affair laden player, his first touch was to simply gift the opposition a try…. Maybe bringing back this washed up player for his cameo was a mistake.

The opposition were clearly Buoyed by this and desperate defence and pure grit kept them at bay on the 17^th only for them to cross again in the corner with the last play of the game.

Not the prettiest round the Hammers 3XV will partake in this season, however a win is a win!!

Hammers won 3 and 2 – 17-10.

The away fixture at Hampstead provided the usual pre-match game of ‘where the f**k are their changing rooms’. Head coach Mark Jackson struggled with the search in particular, walking around the mansions of Hampstead aimlessly following dud directions from his senior players. He wouldn’t have been so late were he not slowed down by many of the residences’ security guards intervening, fearing the tracksuited Irishman was scouting out his next burglary target.

The early drama and reduced warm-up time helped to sharpen Hammersmith & Fulham’s focus, and the clinical warm-up that followed proved to be an early indicator of things to come.

So. First half.

Things didn’t get off to the best of starts, with one or the worst kick-offs in rugby history after Joel Carolan had given it the big “going deep” chat instead dribbling meekly over the 10 metre line –but this was soon forgotten as the Hammers got into attacking gear quickly. A period of early possession and slick handling meant prop Jacob Poulton found himself with ball in hand out wide in a strong attacking position in the opposition half. Recollections of the exact distance from the try line vary widely, but one thing that isn’t up for debate was the efficiency with which he put away his try. Dummy to Will Smith thrown, afterburners on, he ate up the 10-45m quickly to turn in the first try. Alex Hart was quick to point out after the game that he was on hand to finish the effort, if required. Joe Carolan missed the conversion, obviously. 0-5

Overconfident after their initial success, Hammersmith let their opposition back into the game. The Hampstead no 4, who would carrying well all game, found and broke through a gap in the Hammersmith back line before putting his number 13 into space to go under the sticks. 7-5

Momentary blip forgotten, Hammersmith returned to their attacking ways. A few phases of forwards ball followed by a slick out-the-back move put number 13 James Lo onto the ball just inside his own half. Bouncing out of a double tackle, he carved up the remaining Hampstead defenders like a well-cooked Sunday roast and made his way through the bog to the try line – his Friday morning bi’s-and-tri’s gym session really showed as he held off a tackler to go over the white wash. Joe Carolan didn’t add the extras, naturally. 7-10

The following period of Hammersmith attacking dominance in the opposition half brought two penalties within kicking range. As both were right in front of the sticks, Joe Carolan finally got his points tally underway and took his side into the half time break comfortably up. 7-16

Hampstead rallied at the start of the second half, using the downhill slope to their advantage to earn a deserved try through their forward pack. The Hampstead kicker, having swapped tips with Joe C at half time, missed the conversion. 12-16

This proved to be the second half kick-up-the arse Hammersmith needed. A foray up the slope into the opposition half got Hammers within striking distance and their pack, bit between their teeth, did the rest. Big carrying and slick offloading out the tackle from the forwards – Jacob P to Josh McClean, Josh to Lachy – saw the men in red go over at serious pace. Alex Hart was quick to point out after the game that he could easily have pulled off a similar pass, were he not miles away from the action. With only mouldies on, Joe Carolan slipped in his run up and kicked the extra two points. 12-23

The next 10 minutes proved to be a real turning point in the game, where Hammersmith would distance themselves from their opponents and prove to all watching what serious promotion contenders they really are…

Keen to not let the Hammers pull away further, Hampstead rallied hard and mounted a sustained attack in search of a try. Their efforts, however, were to no avail as the Hammers saw off wave after wave of attack, not letting their determined opponents into their 22. Whilst Steve John and Angus Lean stood out in particularly during this passage of play, it was surprisingly veteran prop Andrew Rogan who would get the turn-over that formally ended the Hampstead effort. Asked about this uncharacteristic jackal after the game, Rogan confessed that he had actually stopped for a breather and bent over to tie his shoelaces when play caught up with him and the ball fell into his hands.

It was during this Hampstead period of attack that soon-to-be super sub Cillian Waldron, replacing the soft shouldered inside centre Will Smith (DM me about gym, mate), sustained a knock to the head that would awaken the beast…

After forcing their way into the Hampstead 22 courtesy of some impressive carrying, the Hammersmith pack let the pretty boys do the rest. Scrum half Ross Anderson planted a sweet seed, like a carrot farmer in Spring, into the hands of Waldron who threw a dummy pass to Sam Purvis before crashing over himself for the bonus point try. Carolan added nothing extra, of course. Hampstead picked up a yellow card for repeated defensive infringements in the build-up. 12-28.

A relatively quiet 5 minute period ensued, with nothing coming of a few Hampstead efforts. The only real highlight for the spectators came courtesy of Sam Purvis. Defending one-on-one against the Hampstead winger, he confidently pointed to the space on his inside, inviting him to take the space; the Hampstead winger accepted the invitation, turning Purv inside out in the process. This washing machine motion was probably the main reason Purv’s match shirt was so clean at the end of the game. Fortunately, a Hampstead knock-on spared any further blushes.

Hammersmith then went back on the offensive, backs and forwards combining well under the stewardship of Joe C. The pressure ultimately proved too much for Hampstead, as they went down to 13 men after a second yellow card for a shoulder charge to the head of fullback Taylor Williams. Alex Hart was quick to point out after the game that he could quite easily have been high tackled also.

Playing against only thirteen men and with their opposition tiring, the Hammers turned up the heat, adding a penalty (12-31) and going in search of a fifth try deep in the opposition half. Josh McClean, improvising at scrum half, fed James Lo who basketball passed it to Joe C, who put Cillian Waldron through for his second try of the game. At the time of writing, Cillian had just finished putting the ball down. 12-36

The dying moments of the game saw ever-lively scrum half Ross Anderson try to extend the lead further, running through an enormous gap towards the try line. Unfortunately, his ego was writing cheques his wheels couldn’t cash and he was quickly closed down by their tighthead prop to bring the game to a close. The contest finished 12-36.

All in all, an impressive showing from Hammersmith & Fulham who now have 8 wins from 9 games, keeping the pressure on London Welsh at the top of the table.

All eyes on their next game against Chiswick at Hurlingham Park…

MOM: Josh McClean
Tin Man: Also Josh
Ben Hatton: Still single