The Hammers were in buoyant mood ahead of this week’s fixture against Luton after securing 3 bonus point wins on the trot. Following on from their recent appointment as the UK’s worst large airport, things weren’t looking so bright for Luton RFC, marooned as they were at the foot of the London 2 NW runway. Nonetheless, with a big pack in damp, if not quite wet, conditions, they were an obstacle that needed to be overcome.

Faced with some unavailability, the Hammers backline took on a changed look. Jack Davies came to compose the orchestra at 10, Ross Anderson played his second fiddle at 12, and there was a return to the side after his McGettigans’ tantrum for Alex Gee on the wing.

The men in red got off to a flying start. Kick-off was received and a strong exit accomplished. A poor kick return from Luton gave the Hammers time and space to counter-attack. Alex Gee was looking dangerous with ball-in-hand, probably the reason why his visa was denied. Once up into the 22, Waldron hit a lovely line and reached out foe the whitewash.

Perhaps even more pleasing was the control on proceedings the Hammers established over the next quarter. Defence was tight and organised, led by the back-row titan of Steve John, who had stopped saving lives for a few minutes to make some hits, and the menace that is Cillian Waldron. In attack, the pack moved into their patterns nicely to great effect. The pressure soon paid off with a well-executed maul, Jordan Abbot the beneficiary.

A third try followed quickly. A nice nudge over the top was chased enthusiastically by James Lo, and some deft handling by Steve John and Jacob Poulton led to the ball being returned to Lo who dived in at the corner. The game would have been put out of sight within 30 minutes had Ben Hatton not shanked a penalty from in front of the sticks after a rampaging maul was moved 30 metres up the park. Still the half-time oranges tasted sweet with the score 19-0 and the boys claiming there was plenty left in the tank.

Sadly, the second half was not more of the same. After conceding some careless breakdown penalties, Jordan Abbot did his best sleeping lion impression at one ruck too many and was shown a slice of Cornish cheddar. The heavy Luton pack used this as motivation to have an impact and started applying pressure particularly at the scrum. Andrew ‘the human hinge’ Rogan spent one scrum like a duck in water – neck bent over and feet off the ground paddling hard. Despite this, some excellent defensive work forced a turnover against the run of play and Elliot Purvis got over in the corner.

However, quickly it was backs against the walls. A lack of ball coupled with some cheap penalties gave Luton territory to force themselves over and onto the scoreboard. When they visited the 22 again, the referee deemed James Lo to have done something wrong and sent him to the bin. The situation called for calm heads. The Hammers looked to their captain to set the tone. Josh McClean responded by getting himself a yellow card. Thanks skip. 13 men on their own line held out two 5m scrums before Luton broke through.

At this stage the Hammers focused on closing the game out. Luton were looking to play more expansively and from their own 22 found an overlap to send their winger into the corner. Squeeky bum time. Coach Mark was readying his inner Alex Ferguson regardless of how it went from here. The Hammers secured possessed in Luton’s 22 and looked to look after the pill, despite the best efforts of the newly-single Sam White who thought now was the time for loopy tip-ons. Penalty secured. 2.5 minutes to go. Posts indicated. Missed. Ball regathered. Penalty secured. 1 minute to go. Posts indicated. Final whistle blown before kick taken (which is definitely not a thing). Bonus point win but it didn’t much feel like it.

The boys returned to the comfort of the sheds for their hairdryers and an evening of super fives. We go again next week.

The 3^rd XV travelled to a cold, wet and windy Regents Park on the first weekend of November to take on Belsize Park, a club which recalling victories in recent memory has proven hard for a host of Hammers sides.

However, having gone five from five so far in the league, the boys welcomed the prospect of looking to extend their undefeated run against a formidable opposition.

The pre-game chat from Steve “I thought he’d stepped down as Captain?” Harris (15) about how the game was going to be a physical arm wrestle proved telling. The wet ball and muddy surface saw Belsize trying to outmuscle their physically smaller opposition through their forward pack both at set-piece and around the park. However, despite the size difference, the Hammers refused to be intimidated and the beginning of what would become one of the best defensive performances was sparked into life by a colossal hit on the Belsize number 8 by Nick “Tweed is my favourite colour” Dunn (2).

With Belsize unable to break the red, blue and white wall that faced them they were forced to kicking possession to the Hammers backs who, led by Marshall “Tennents is the nectar of the gods” MacLeod (10) at fly-half, caused problems with ball in hand all day.

With 15 minutes played the match was scoreless, but despite Hammers set-piece being under pressure, the boys felt they had the upper hand and knew a mistake from Belsize was coming. Two minutes later, after the Belsize forwards managed to carry into Hammers territory, great defensive line speed saw the Belsize park fly-half forced a telegraphed miss pass which Tyler “proving all Aussie’s are not as bad a Rylance” Stacey (13) gladly took and sprinted the length of the pitch to score. Harris converted making it 0 – 7 to Hammers after 20mins.

Five minutes later Hammers were over the line again thanks to two cheeky piece of play from Nick “no fighting on tour” Emmet (9), firstly calling for, and receiving, an off-load from the Belsize scum-half as he ran into contact, then proceeding to run around the ruck and then dummy and fend off the Belsize full back, who he met on his recent tour to Japan, to run giggling out-loud, over the line. Harris converted making it 0-14 to Hammers after 25mins.

Belsize didn’t take kindly to this score and showed why they have been a thorn to recent Hammers sides, upping their accuracy and physicality, moving possession deep into the Hammers 22.

For the next 10 minutes Belsize threw everything at Hammers, but the defence refused to buckle. Every man in a red jersey refused to concede yards, with front row Jack “you missed a spot” Williams (1) and Dougy “Aye, Tennents is the nectar of the gods” Maxwell (3) leading from the front alongside Simon “L for left, R for right” Irwin (6) and James “love an off-load” Lalor (8). However, with less the last play of the half Hammers unfortunately switched off for a split second and that was all Belsize’s skipper needed to hit a soft shoulder and score.

Half time score 7-14 to Hammers.

The chat at half-time was clear, the defence had been brilliant but Hammers should not think that this alone would be enough to secure the victory. Knowing the threat that a resurgent Belsize Park could pose the team agreed to the target of scoring the first points of the second half and to try hold onto the ball as much as possible in attack.

With this clear in their mind the second half got under way but the conditions tried their best to ruin the game. As the wind and rain got worse more mistakes from both sides crept into the game and it became more stop/start.  Twenty minutes went past with no side scoring points, however with the scrum and line-out now being competitive from Hammers, and strong carriers still being offered by Tom “Sit down!” Mohan (5) and Hammers created chances but that final pass eluded what could have been a nerve settling score.

With the bench emptied and Dave “Benjamin button” Buchanan (20) now marshalling the forwards from scrum half, Hammers tightened up their accuracy and increased the tempo. Unable to live with the increased speed of ball, Belsize gave away a penalty bang in front of the sticks, just outside their 22 which Steve Harris signalled from the bench should be taken. However, with no recognised kicker on the pitch Marko “25mins late is early for him” Ravic (18) boldly stood forward and, saw his ugly looking kick just make it over the crossbar to make the score 7-17 to Hammers with 10 mins left to play.

Knowing they had to score twice Belsize threw everything at Hammers but, as had been the case for most of the game, couldn’t break down the resolute defence, epitomised by Sean “house party at mine” Burke (16) shooting out of the line and tackling the Belsize first receiver man and ball to kill what would have been a 4-on-2 overlap.

Full time 7 – 17 to Hammers, the boys’ sixth consecutive victory!

Next week it’s the turn of long-time rivals Ruislip to try and ruin the party, but a rare victory against Belsize will go a long way in boosting confidence.

Tries:

Stacey

Emmet

Con:

Harris x2

Pen:

Ravic x1

MOM: Dougy Maxwell – full 80mins, scrum improved throughout the game and led by example in ‘body on the line’ defence.

DOD: Nick Emmet – for ‘fighting’ with the Belsize full-back, who he skinned in this game, the night before the World Cup final in a bar in Tokyo.

 

 

Someone’s ‘0’ has got to go. Fortunately for the boys in red it wasn’t us, as the team remains unbeaten, after a well-deserved 13-5 victory.

The boys arrived at the Wasps’ ground to the sight of the opposition already warming up, and with their 1s not having a game it looked as if a few ringers had been roped in.

The first half was dominated by resolute defence from both sides, Wasps taking the lead 5-0 at half time. This could have been so different if self-proclaimed ‘heart beat’ of the team – James Mitchell – wasn’t deemed to have thrown a forward pass to Dan Serfontein. The referee was 30 metres behind the play but due to many of their players screaming at him he blew up.

Half time proved to be the turning point as the Red Wall stayed strong, typified by Paul and Jamie in the centres tackling anything in a black shirt, and a monumental performance from radio Dj Scott Mills all around the park.

After some good phase play sucked in defenders, Draper snuck over the white line in the corner. Draper showing he can sniff a try out on a regular basis.

Stephen and Harry continued to keep the scoreboard ticking over, Wasps were strangled out the game from then on in…this was until after 5 minutes on the pitch I decided to inform the referee of an offside player stood where our 10 should have been, thus resulting in a yellow card (for back-chat) and a lovely free pint as Dick of the Day. Regardless of this the 14 lads on the pitch dug in, and repelled phase after phase from the Wasps in our 22, grinding out the win.

MoM – Scott Mills

MoM – Paul Davies

DoD – Jack Mitchell

On a glorious Saturday 26^th October – after watching a terrible game of rugby (from a South African’s point of view), England decided to celebrate by providing us with cold and wet conditions to play rugby in. With the late kick off at 5:30pm under the Rosslyn Park floodlights, the team were keen to get going on the 4G pitch. Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James shouted, ‘4G is really good for my laundry.’ Normally the team would be half drunk by 4.00pm but given there was nothing to do other than to think about how shocking New Zealand played, everyone arrive on time for a change. It started off with an easy decider on Dick of the day award for Ash ‘I’m a chav’ Mitchel as he left his boots at home.

With Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies kicking off the game, it all begun. With the wind against us, pretty mild rainfall and a forward pack smaller than the opponents’ backs it looked as if all odds were against us BUT…………

Over the course of the first half a few of the boys stepped in to make crunching covering tackles and one by one we landed up with injuries. First Monty ‘Mr Lover Lover’ Lovering injured because Rosslyn apparently don’t like gingers so a tactical change from our Captain – Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies moving his 12. Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson to 9. And Chris ‘I do business – with children’ Ralph coming on. Second injury – Chris ‘I look like Tom Curry’ Aird put in a hit but landed off second best and disappeared off the field only to be found sitting with the spectators holding his shoulder, everyone confounded as we have never seen such magic from a lawyer (or have we). No choice but to bring on Jack ‘no, I look like Tom Curry’ Small.

It was a hard-fought game in the scrums between the between the forward packs, with the Hammers coming off second best. A switch of sides in the scrum between Henry ‘I speak a lot’ Oliver and Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner leaded to a slightly more stable attacking platform. A massive outburst on the wing from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany landed us in their 22 unfortunately only leading to a line out for Rosslyn park. After a big steal from Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner at the front and a few dirty phases, we got the penalty. Ross Anderson quick tap and no passing policy leading to a crushing tackle, a popped shoulder, and a knock on. He surprisingly popped it back and carried on playing, he must be Asian.

Ref called a penalty and gave Slade a warning for speaking to his captain – A very confused look came across Jack ‘golden boot’ Davies face as he didn’t even know what to tell Slade Buchner other than don’t talk at all. A demand that all players and supporters appreciated.

Rosslyn fought back to our half and had a penalty about 35 m in front of the post. They went for the posts but missed. Half time was called.

Score 0-0

A quick change with Ross coming off due to his shoulder lead to Ed James moving to scrum half and Derry ‘Honey badger’ Waldron at full back. Henry Oliver went off for Tim Williams moving Ollie ‘Penalty machine’ Rea to second row. They kicked off and we didn’t respond, luckily there was a knock on from Rosslyn otherwise it could have been the first score of the match. The Hammers led a massive fight back to Rosslyn half with some great breaks lead to a step and a step by Golden boots’ with a try right under the posts. 7 – 0 to us. Rosslyn kicked off and again another stare down between the penalty machine and Gerad ‘Keep pushing’ Rhodes lead to a bounce ball that was finally secured. A massive kick out of our half and a great chase from George ‘Run Forrest, Run’ Nellany with great pressure and amazing defence from a few forwards forced Rosslyn Park into conceding a penalty. A kick, a maul and a break through the middle of a ruck from Slade Buchner to their 5 m. A few carries later and Tim ‘Did I just score’ Williams over the chalk line. 12 – 0 to Hammers.

It all fell apart with a few missed calls from the ref. It was only the continuous defense from the hammers that kept the home team from crossing the line for 10 minutes. A quick tap and go and missed tackle lead them to crossing the chalk line. Score 12 – 5.

A massive kick from Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James pinned Rosslyn back in their 22. A lot of scrappy play and a missed call led to a penalty – Slade ‘I’m not allowed to talk’ Buchner didn’t say anything. Rosslyn with a missed kick to touch and Sam ‘I’m Blind’ Nursey caught the ball and positioned the Hammers back in Rosslyns half. Chaos ensued with bodies laying everywhere, and everyone scrambling for the ball. A second later a perfect pop straight into Davies and he dropped the best drop goal Johnny Wilkinson has ever seen, he said that Naas Botha would’ve been proud. 15 – 5 to hammers.

A hard fought Rosslyn team came back breaking a tackle and hitting a huge gap to move into the Hammers half. The defense held until the final play off the game where a quick break led to Rosslyn crossing the chalk line under the polls. The final whistle came with only a drop goal the difference between the 2 sides.

Score 15 – 12 finishing time.

Man Of The Match: Ed ‘I want to look like Beckham’ James but left early so Ross ‘I don’t have an accent’ Anderson

Tin Man: Ash ‘I’m a Chav’ Mitchell

Unfortunately, we lost the boat race

 

On a wet gloomy Saturday, the Hammers 1^st XV were on call to defend Hurlingham fortress against a Welwyn team sitting bottom of the league with something to prove. Few of the present boys were part of the squad that lost to them both times last season, and were as eager, as Mitch on a night out, to make amends.

With the rain spitting down, it was up to Ben Hatton’s little quads to get the game under way. With his first game back from injury, nerves must have been a plenty as the kick-off was fluffed. Scrum to Welwyn, middle of the pitch. Time for the boys to square off. The scrum held its own, which for some reason was a surprise to the Hammers backs, as they were split across the pitch. Welwyn ran a set piece, going straight through the formidable centre Hammer pairing of Waldron and Hooper, which led to a try under the sticks. Some say missed tackle – ‘Tomatoe/Tomato’.

Not the ideal start Hammers were looking for.

With a better restart, Hammers started to get into the game, and putting on the pressure. Welwyns game plan was evident, keep the ball down in the Hammers half. Little did they realise, Zac was throwing darts that the Ally Pally crowd would have been screaming “One Hundred and Eighty” for. The ferocious Hammers pack assembled into their trademark maul, which the opposition couldn’t handle. Penalties gave way which the Hammers did not capitalise on until, Joe was given a crack at goal, which he slotted between the posts. 3 points. Hammers were in the game.

More pressure followed and the trusted boot of Joe put Hammers in the corner. Hammer forwards assembled, and were going over the line but impeded by a side entry.  Penalty try. Hammers take the lead, and there they would stay.

Some loose kicking into the hands of our Asian-Persuasion winger JLO who was allowed counter, hand-off and make yards got Hammers good fielding position. Taylor ran some good lines, not in the direction his nose was pointing but actually in fact straight. As he made another break, with plenty of support players around him to make the easy pass, he decided to choose the harder option and grubbers one in behind, only for the young Benson to pounce on it over the line. Another try, and Hammers started to take control.

Kick off came deep and caught by the try-scorer Benson, who ran straight back at them, making good yards until he offloaded to Captain fantastic who benefited from running a superb support line. Like a scene from a safari, Josh gallivanting as graceful as a giraffe being chased down by a pack of wolves. The giraffe prevailed. Another try. Only one more try needed for the bonus.

With momentum fully on the side of Hammers, more breaks ensued, and strong carries from the likes of Steve, and Zander. Another dazzling break from Jlo creating a two on one opportunity. Man drawn, and pass given, only the try line beckoned, but ball dropped. Surely, classic Jordan was on the pitch, but it was in fact Joe the butcher.

Half time 22-7

With all the pressure mounting on the Welwyn side, they didn’t help themselves when referee had to issue Taylor’s favourite card to one of their players for a swinging arm. Hammers did not relent. Joes ‘out-of-hand’ kicking technique named the helicopter, kept the pressure on, and kept the travelling side deep down in their own half.

Hammers then forced their way into the Welwyn 22 looking for that bonus point. Whilst the backs stood there pretty as can be, screaming for the ball to come out to them, the mouldy forwards were having none of it. All their hard work, they wanted the bragging points for themselves and kept picking and going. With one final push, they managed to get over the line. Another try. Bonus point secured, and surely the total five pointer.

Hammers stamped down their authority on the game, with the human hinge, and club captain himself Rogan making carries (not yards), and being a nuisance at the breakdown. This lead to another break into Welwyn twenty-two, and another assist, in as many games, from the lion heart, Alex, as he passed out of the tackle following a quick pick and go to Ben. Five points guaranteed for Hammers but they weren’t finished just yet.

Whilst the LA Rams were in London for the weekend, Ben decided to show off his own NFL skills with a pass straight from the scrum to Jlo on the blind side, who ran, and danced his way over the line. Touchdown! Half the boys back where the scrum occurred, it was a bit of disbelief what had happened. Referee looked over at the touch-judge, but no complaints there. Brady would have been proud of that one.

Full time 44-7