They say pressure makes diamonds, but on Saturday 8^th March, it mostly made a group of red-and-white-clad lunatics wonder if they were ever going to make it to the pitch. With survival on the line, Hammersmith & Fulham faced Tunbridge Wells knowing that a bonus point win would keep them at Level 5 for another season. But before we could even think about the match, we had to survive the journey there…

Jacob Poulton puts in a big tackle

A straightforward away trip? Not on our bus driver’s watch. What should have been a simple bus trip along mainly the M25, turned into a sightseeing tour of the Kent countryside, as our driver seemingly swore a personal oath to avoid all main roads at any cost. With every winding lane, unexpected detour and bursting bladder, our warm-up time dwindled and by the time we finally arrived – just 45 minutes before kick-off – our legs were as stiff as the opposition’s defence. The journey was shaky, our performance was anything but. Running on adrenaline, frustration, and the sheer terror of having to commit to a bar crawl around Tunbridge Wells after losing, Hammers dug deep, threw everything at it, and secured another year at Level 5 in style.

Fate has a funny way of scripting rugby matches, and on this occasion, it decided to throw in a Hollywood-style subplot. This was the last dance for our very own Sam Seymour, who is swapping the muddy pitches of England for the land of oversized sodas and unsolicited “Let’s go, Chad” chants. But before he jets off to the USA, he had one final score to settle – because, as if by divine comedy, our opponents were none other than his old club, Tunbridge Wells. With the kind of emotional turmoil usually reserved for reality TV, he spent 80 minutes tearing into his former teammates like they still owed him a plane tickets worth of fines. Proving that while he may be America-bound, his loyalty (for one last game at least) was firmly with the men in red. Safe travels, mate – just don’t start calling it football.

Kick-off – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch. Scott van Berckel, who had dusted off his old hooker’s jersey for a nostalgic cameo while Dan Hostetler was still somewhere over the English Channel, presumably regretting that last après-ski Aperol Spritz. The throw was on the money straight into Seb Rivett’s hands and within moments, Timmy Russell and Marcus McNeil were charging through Tunbridge defenders like they were trying to catch the rush hour tube home. A little nudge from Joe Carolan forced the opposition full-back into panic mode, and his clearance kick was as well-placed as our bus driver’s route that morning. With an attacking lineout just 15 meters out, we had our chance. The Tunbridge pack defended the maul well, forcing us to rethink, but one brutal crash from Eoin Baker gave us the perfect platform to go wide, where Timmy Russell finished what he started, diving over in the corner for the opening score. Carolan slotting the kick from about as wide as a conversion could be taken. Hammers up, Hostetler still MIA, and the perfect start to a survival showdown.

Kickoff again – Receiving the ball cleanly, we were immediately gifted a penalty, which Ben Dugdale gleefully sent to touch, wait – no, sorry – Marshall MacLeod decided to take quickly. Catching the opposition off guard (and some of his own teammates), Hammers were once again on the front foot. Before we knew it, we had another attacking lineout in the same spot. It was like Deja-Vu, you can just go back and re-read the previous paragraph to see how the buildup unfolded. However, this time seeing his name in lights and thinking of his next social media post, Ben Dugdale decided to crash over the line himself, leaving Timmy Russell outside him with his hands as empty as if Dugdale had just nicked his pint. Carolan kicked the conversion, yeah yeah same story boring….

Kickoff again – this time a little scrappier, and we were giving Tunbridge a chance to show off their attacking flair. However, just as we thought things were getting a bit too dicey, Seymour stepped in with a clearance kick so well-executed it probably deserves a spot in an instructional video somewhere. Suddenly it was Tunbridge who found themselves with an attacking lineout. They took it cleanly, but as fate would have it, their next move was to run straight into Seymour, who pinched the ball out of their hands with the kind of precision that could only be matched by a Swiss watch. Josh AA swooped in, picked up the loose ball, and proceeded to flatten two Tunbridge defenders like they were just speed bumps on his road to glory. After a 40-meter sprint he found himself with a 2-on-1 against the Tunbridge full-back. Would he do his best Ben Dugdale impression? No – instead selflessly passing to Timmy Russell, who scampered in for his second under the sticks. Carolan converts again yada yada yada…

Bloody hell – 12 minutes played and Hammers are up 21 points to zip. Maybe we should arrive 45 minutes before kick-off every week.

The next 20 minutes were a bit more like your average rugby game – Hammers, seemingly catching their breath and Tunbridge finally realising they were in a game. It was all Tunbridge, battering our line like it was the high street in Maidstone on market day – plenty of hustle, but no way through. Then, with an attacking scrum on our 5-meter line, on came Dan Hostetler. With his plane finally landed, he stepped onto the pitch like a man who’d just received a “Steady the ship” memo. For the next 15 minutes, we defended like our lives depended on it, with Steve John and Seb Rivett delivering a masterclass on disciplined yet aggressive defence. After what felt like an eternity parked on our try line, Tunbridge finally found their opening and snuck over for their first points of the match. Tunbridge 7 : 21 Hammers.

This time, it was Tunbridge’s turn for a little déjà vu. Camped in our 22 again for the next 10 minutes, they threw everything at us in the hopes of getting their second score. But it seemed the Hammers Defence had been switched to “brick wall mode.” Tunbridge knocked it on, and Hammers had possession of the ball with a scrum on their own 22-meter line. A scrummaging effort from Rogan & Poulton, boots locked into the ground and sights firmly set on not moving an inch, the ball went in, the ball came out, and after 1, 2, 3 slick passes, it ended up in Timmy Russell’s hands. A man on a mission, he went from one 22 to the other. The Tunbridge full-back managed to drag him down, however just as the signs of relief echoed from the home fans, he popped the ball up to his flatmate, Marshall MacLeod, who jogged in under the sticks for a Hammers bonus-point try. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carolan converts. A brutal end to the half for Tunbridge who found themselves 28 – 7 down at the halfway mark.

The second half kicked off with the same energy as the first, except this time, the scoreboard operators had a quiet few minutes, able to enjoy their touchline pints. Hammers won a penalty and instead of looking for a lineout, decided on 3 points – though some spectators (who may or may not have had a few too many pre-match pints) questioned whether it passed through the posts or just around them.

Once again, it was all Tunbridge, camped on our try line like a group of scouts settling in for a long night of roasting marshmallows. However, just when it looked like we might have to pitch our own tent under the posts for another post-conceding teamtalk, Joe Carolan pulled off a textbook interception (negating the need to tackle) and sent the ball down the other end of the pitch. High-tempo defence from the Hammers forced another penalty right in front of the posts, and once again, Carolan added 3 more. I’m sick of typing his name now.

Tunbridge 7 : 34 Hammers

The boys celebrating their season-winning result

From here on, it seemed like Hammers had already started thinking about the post-match celebrations, with one eye on the scoreboard and the other on the nearest pint. Tunbridge took advantage, scoring two tries in the space of 10 minutes, but both conversions were missed, with one even bouncing off the upright – perhaps a gentle reminder that kicking under pressure isn’t as easy as it looks. I hear the sales of ‘How to Kick a Rugby Ball 101’ spiked in the South East on Sunday morning.

Tunbridge 17 : 34 Hammers.

Was a comeback on the cards? Both sides now realising that another try for Tunbridge would give them a try bonus point, Tunbridge revisited their previous camping spot on our try line and battered away like a group of scouts at the tuck shop after realising they had run out of marshmallows. They were over! Cheers rang out from the home fans, and for a moment, Hammers looked and felt like they’d let themselves down. But wait – what’s that? A red scrum cap-bearing man (Steve John) was at the bottom of the heap of bodies on the try line, the ref signalled that the try was held up! A monumental defensive shift, and a warning to Hammers that they needed to up their game.

Even with the try saved, Hammers still couldn’t seem to get out of their own half, but their defensive resolve held firm, and the clock ran out with the final score reading 17-34. A hard-fought battle, and a victory that tee’d up the celebrations perfectly.