Hammers 1s set phasers to “kill”

Captain’s Log: Star date 12.10.24. The Hammersmith Enterprise has discovered a new club deep in Womble territory. Backline resources are as thin as Harry Scarr’s hair. First impressions are of a sloped landscape and temperamental weather system. Lieutenant Marshall has already proposed we hold out for firmer ground. We dragged Rogan out of his party in the holodeck, set our phasers to kill, beamed down and took to the field.

With what would soon become a recurring theme for the day, the kick off was dropped by the opposition and the first scrum was called. About 3 seconds later we packed down for our second. This time, with a drive as wonky as Rogan’s stomach was feeling, we conceded a penalty. Wimbledon booted it up the park and we were defending our first lineout. Some aggressive line speed and great tackling forced yet another knock on…. A great clearance saw us back deep into the Wimbledon 22, where they opted to throw a forward pass. A few phases later saw us awarded a penalty for offside and a kick at goal was selected. Unfortunately their deflector shields were up and the ball bounced off the upright.

A little rally of kick tennis gave us our first attacking lineout, unsurprisingly ending with another scrum in midfield. A little later an attempted clearance went out on the full and we were defending a lineout just outside our own 22. With the fearsome Wombleonian reputation for set piece, the order was to divert all power to the shields. The plan worked and we eventually forced a turnover and cleared the lines, only for them to set straight back to returning fire. A not releasing penalty put them back in the corner on our 5m. Those shields held out however, forcing a goal line drop out. Yet still the attack persisted. Security Officer Marcus McNeil was having none of it and led the line who all fearlessly repelled the enemy. Unfortunately the Galactic Council appointed referee had spotted another infringement and brought it back for Wimbledon to once again stick it in the corner. This time a quick peel from the maul found the smallest of gaps in our defences and a try was awarded. No conversion so it was left at 5-0 on the 20 minute mark.

This time the kick off was collected and after dropping the return kick, we gave Wimbledon a scrum on the halfway. An early engage gave away a free kick and thus began a long period of more defence. Through pure dog we drove the line backwards and eventually forced a kick. After finally getting the clearance away, it was a Wimbledon lineout on the 22. Another gap eventually appeared in the shields but we were let off by the slippery ball and had a scrum on our 5m; another chance to relieve the pressure. Not the most relief however as Wimbledon were back with another lineout on our 22. Some more stalwart defending and another scrum was forced. This time a proper clearance put play back into the Wimbledon half. The remaining 10 minutes saw yet more excellent defensive manoeuvres but never really getting a chance to turn on the offensive.

The second half saw Wimbledon launch a direct attack with an early turnover from the kick off. Some more solid defending forced a fumble and a great bounce off the winger’s leg gave us a lineout on halfway. Another weapons malfunction led to a Wimbledon scrum and ultimately resulted in a penalty. Wimbledon’s drive for the corner was again met with the steely shoulders of the defence and the line was cleared. A brief strafing run from our Ace Pilot Tim Russell ended when he was struck down fiercely by the opposition centre. We did however win a penalty at the ruck. Another penalty off the following play put us about 30m out with an attacking lineout. The ball was collected and the forwards took the maul formation. After diverting all power the thrusters, the pack started to shift and continued to accelerate! Aided by the massive combined weight of Dugdale and Weaver we managed to get the over that final meter and bag a well-earned try! Dan Hostetler eventually touching it down. The conversion followed to make it 5-7.

We recovered the ball easily from the kick off and went for the old up and under. A great chase saw now newly promoted, ‘Head of Security’, Marcus bring down the catcher. Unfortunately Wimbledon managed to get an offload away and launch a counterattack. They broke well into our backfield and looked like they were in. However, the tactical deployment of a Mark AA. Josh anti Womble missile saw them brought down just before the line. Alas, a couple of pick and go’s later they managed to breach the line once more. A missed conversion left it 10-7.

Wimbledon then turned on overdrive and started piling into every ruck, competing for every ball. This increased pressure eventually resulted in a Wimbledon lineout on our 22. Although competed fiercely, with our very own Cabin Boy Harry Scarr taking quite the knock and some time in sick bay, Wimbledon managed to find a small gap in the midfield defences. They went over for their third and an under the post conversion made it 17-7.

Straight back into the fray with a series of attacks, we won a penalty putting us in the Wimbledon half. A slight misfire at the lineout was compounded by another misfire at the next one. I must remember to conduct that performance review with Technical Officer Swaino. A brief time later, a pass to Chief Medical Officer Dr John was met head on head by the opposition prop. Fair to say the iron skull of Dr John came off on top, but in a tragic miscarriage of intergalactic law, the collision was ruled accidental and the game restarted with a scrum. Mere moments later Lieutenant Marshall was brutally decapitated by the enemy chieftain. Space justice is a fickle thing but this time a yellow card was given. Marshall left the field with great dignity after declaring his outburst at the decision didn’t count as he was clearly concussed. Another strong maul pushed hard into the corner before unleashing the backs who just couldn’t quite get over the line on the opposite side of the pitch. Must add 3 v 1 training to the backs’ to do list…..

A series of back and fro between attack and defence saw the ball spend a good 10 minutes between the two 10m lines. However, the penalty count was certainly in our favour as we found ourselves once again with a lineout on the Wimbledon 22. Another supercharged weapons spree charged the pack towards the line with Darts Expert Dan breaking away at the end to score his second try of the day. A missed conversion left it at 17-12.

The final 7 minutes was a masterclass in defensive prowess to keep Wimbledon out and deny them the bonus point. It was very frustrating to not get an opportunity to steal the game, but an absolute powerhouse of a performance from the crew and one very proud captain.

Next week we boldly go where no team has gone before; and attempt to steal a victory from London Welsh.