Huge opening game of the season for the Hammers 1st XV

Hammersmith & Fulham vs Windsor – 03.09.2022

After 133 purposeless days, 18 Saturdays of pretending to have fun watching live music/playing golf/bottomless brunching etc. and 2 months of getting to know a certain red tree intimately well, Jackson’s Journeymen finally returned to the hallowed turf of SW6’s premier public park, raising the curtain on the 22/23 season.

Fulham’s Finest had certainly read the script and delivered a drama-filled performance at fortress Hurlingham, smashing records to run in 13 tries and secure their highest ever winning margin at this level.

Anyone who has followed last year’s storyline would have sensed the inevitability of the opening scene to Act 1 edition 22/23.

Tired of guarding lives all summer, Tim Russell left his opposite number for dead to open his account for the season. That our resident honey badger was once again putting the “TR” in hat-trick was a surprise to no one. The only surprise was that it took him almost 80 minutes to do so. In between this he generously allowed others in the backline to share the spotlight as Killeen, Morris, and Carolan all played their part, scoring within the first 30 minutes from all corners of the park/meadow.

However, it wasn’t all 80 metre counter-attacks, or first-phase magic being woven from the wand of the Weaver. A scrum penalty followed by an intricate line-out move straight off the training dust bowl left Alex “the Money” Spicer striding down the wing with the try line at his mercy. Evidently the man has a sweet tooth and prefers sugared pastries to savoury meat pies as he unselfishly handed the egg to Josh Smith, to extend his doughnut streak for another game.

Ian’s interns, having spent the past two month’s learning first-hand all there is to know about lactic acid build-up, proved unrelenting in their pursuit of the whitewash and at half-time were 47-0 to the good.

The second half followed a similar script to the first and even allowed for a cameo from Alex Hart who, unlike his namesake, finally came off the all doughnut diet. There’s not a great deal of point in describing his try as it will surely be coming to every social media platform near you once the game footage gets released.

At this point in the game, just in case the watching crowd was finding the prospect of Proctor’s posse scoring from anywhere, at any time, too overwhelmingly exciting, Mr Russell thought he’d remove this needless danger/uncertainty and forewarn his fan club on the sideline that the next set piece, fresh-off the cabbage patch, would result in something special. Right on cue, Edward “cymbalhands” turned “featherhands” drew his opposition towards him like Seb “Spicer” Money to a game of Supa Fives, to put try machine Killeen under the posts. It is fair to say that Matt Killeen proved himself infinitely more adept at sidestepping moving opposition players than cycling around stationary bollards as he delivered a MoTM performance. Providing the hamstring can be kept intact, and the cycle rides home accident free, Joe Carolan’s 19 try record looks to be under threat.

JC isn’t too worried though. Just as the Copernican revolution proved the earth orbits the sun, the more recent Carolanian revolution has proven that the universe does indeed revolve around our inside centre. 27 points, 1 missed kick for touch, 1 role of the dice…a good day’s work!

A special mention must go to Steve John who, on his quarter century of league appearances, almost single-handedly took responsibility for kick-off returns and spent the rest of the match doing his utmost to increase the workload for his night shift at A&E.

A new season, a new league, but Saturday’s remain the same. H&F RFC’s opposition dread them almost as much as does Terry’s personal financial advisor.

Thanks to Windsor for agreeing to move this fixture to our place. We wish them the best of luck with their season until we meet again in March.

Final Score: Hammersmith & Fulham 87 – 5 Windsor

Scorers:

1. Killeen (x4)
2. Russell (x3)
3. Morris (x3)

Joe Carolan (x1) & 11 conversions

Josh Smith (x1)

Alex Hart (x1)

Debuts: Ollie Weaver, Ed Haynes, Scott van Burckel,