Small decisions let the Bastards 2s down

Super Saturday. The day when boys become men, girls become women, and English fans continue to cry into their Guinness as they suffer another year without winning Six Nations. But there was greater tyranny to conquer that day, the Battersea Ironsides.

The Bastards were feeling fresh and rested, having been deprived of rugby for three weeks, a drought that would make California jealous. The sun was out, the men were keen, and as Nugget pulled up 30 minutes to kick-off, the boys were finally ready to begin their warm-ups and take on the challenge.

As the ref’s whistle blew, and the ball was kicked off, and the Hammers began their assault. Ollie Weaver opened up the action with a crossfield kick to Josh Daydora, an omen that the jouer gods would smile on us. The Hammers began their march up pitch with strong carries from George Bradshaw and Paddy O’Toole leaving body after body in their way. After a struggle for possession in the oppo 22, the backs spin it wide to find Louis Bielle-B-, I mean, Emile Binse who dots it down for a try. Ollie’s conversion cuts through the air and sales across the crossbar. 7-0 Hammers

But this good fortune and sexy rugby play ended much like my first time, much too soon, tearful, and with all parties disappointed, as not long after the next kick-off, the Ironsides would go on to block the Hammers’ clearance kick and score a cute consolation try. 7-7

Soon after the next kickoff, Battersea is awarded a penalty within their own 22-metre and look to get on the front foot. Unfortunately for them, Ed Wynne and Dan Ah Kuoi stand opposite them in the next scrum. Through the power of friendship and Russell Wingfield’s moustache, the Bastards’ scrum dominates and drives back the south-of-the-river pagans. The Bastards push on through the adversity of some choice penalties. Penalties are awarded back-and-forth with both teams jockeying for possession within each other’s 22-meter lines. The omnipresent Jack McGregor and Dan Perry are everywhere in open defensive play, dropping Ironsidemen with ferocious tackles.

It’s a nail-biting affair with line breaks and turnovers from both teams. Who will crack first? The Ironside 12’s ribs would answer that question as Sandy “I’m Not Gonna Fight Anyone” Duncan proceeds to send the man to the shadow realm with a spine buster of a tackle. After some short-lived argie bargie, we are back in the action with a penalty awarded to Ironside. The Bastards are marched back the standard 20 metres given after a penalty, where the Ironsides would convert a penalty kick. 10-7 Ironsides

After the next kickoff, the teams were at a stalemate with clearance kick after clearance kick from both sides. It’s a battle of titans as the evenly matched teams continue to turn the ball over from each other, but fail to finish. Andrew Martin, a Hammer who doesn’t have that problem, delivers some thunderous tackles and carries in the 13 channel to get the boys upfield. The Bastards spill the ball forward to the Ironsides, but fortunately, George can poach every ball within 10 meters of him and would proceed to put this skill on display. Finally, an opportunity presents itself as Emile breaks the line in open play to find Dylan Bilski, Josh and Sam Nursey on an overlap. The good guys’ deliver some crafty off-loading that would lead to Sam scoring the team’s second try of the day. With the conversion sailing wide, the men go into halftime up 15-10

The Hammers begin the second half with a kick chase that has Sam take the ball in the air like an AFL superstar, only to be rewarded with an interesting penalty to the Ironsides. The joy of the Ironsides is short-lived as George proceeds to win yet another penalty in the ruck (I’ve lost count at this point). After a reasonable and forgivable four penalties within the Ironsides 5-metre line, the Hammers decide to extend the lead with a penalty kick from Ollie. 18-10 Hammers

Deja Vu strikes and the Ironsides find themselves scoring directly after the Hammers again. This time the Irsonsides score through a line out trick play involving a lead blocker. An interesting choice of tactic. As they say, “ball don’t lie”, and the conversion sails wide right. 18-15 Hammers

Soon after the next kick-off, the Bastards find themselves within striking distance in the left corner after winning a much-deserved penalty. “What do we think?”, Jack asks the group of feral forwards. A leaning Ed, with hands on his thighs, looks up through his eyebrows with a shit-eating grin and whispers, “It’s maulin’ time”. We’re so back. With a dart that would make Luke Littler cry, Paddy hits a soaring George, and the boys push on for the try line. Our friendly neighbourhood forward, Sandy, proceeds to join the crushing maul and score. 25-15 Hammers

Not to be outdone, shortly after the next kickoff, the Ironsides plagiarise the entire sequence of the Hammers, catchphrase and all, and dot a maul down in the right corner (sans conversion). 25-22 Hammers

The pain would continue for the Hammers as, in the next phase of open play, the Ironside 9 would proceed to run around the entire defensive line and offload to his teammate for an 80-metre try. 25-27 Hammers

In the proceeding kickoff, Valerio “The Italian Stallion” Marcantongini and Lucas Sopher delivered some punishing hits as the Hammers looked to get back over the line again. With a penalty won through Alfie Thelwell’s textbook shithousery, a maul try looked all but certain. Unfortunately, the Hammers could not reach the promised land and the Ironsides were awarded a penalty in their 5-metre. As is normal with a penalty in the laws of the game, the Hammers were marched back 20 metres.

The Hammers would not be deterred and were determined to continue their strong defensive efforts, delivering hit after hit. The Ironsides proceed to attempt a 50-22, which fails miserably. The Hammers attempt a 50-22 of their own, but unfortunately, the ball bounces 5 metres within the opposite 22 and the Ironsides regain possession. It becomes a story of 50-22 attempts as the Ironside 9 delivers a successful 50-22 of his own, giving the Ironsides a chance to put the Bastards away for good. The Bastards do not relent and hold strong, preventing any chance of a maul try and winning a penalty in open play. The clearance from Ollie is kept in-bounds by the oppo 6 and the Ironsides are awarded a generous high tackle penalty. The Ironsides maul to kill whatever time remains and eventually kick the ball in touch. It’s so over.

Final Score – Hammersmith 25 – 27 Battersea

As the agony of defeat set in, the boys regrouped and shared pride in their efforts. The Bastards felt back. The Bastards would go on to convene at Temperance and then Belushi’s to drink, and I’m not exaggerating, one millions beers. The bastards return against Belsize Park next week. Who doesn’t love a sequel. Tune in, and get keen.

MOTM – George Bradshaw, this man was literally everywhere except the pub after 10pm
DOTD – Nugget, I’ve never seen him chop 3 pints

Try Scorers – Sandy Duncan (1), Sam Nursey (1), Emile Binse (1)
Penalties – Ollie Weaver (1)
Conversions – Ollie Weaver (2)